Life of the Blue Jacket

The curve of your spine

2012-01-20T18:22:00.000-08:00

There is one certain place that I will always remember. At times whenever I don’t want to get wet because I can’t embrace the rain, or whenever the sun strikes too much. Right after I called it a day, and even more when I sing myself Lighthouse Family’s ‘Whatever Gets You Through the Day’.

I would simply curl my body against yours and I know that I am less alone in this world. And every time I do it like that, you will find my hands in yours and hold them closer to my heart.

The place is labeled as my utmost favorite corner. Whenever I feel to give up, or think that a big time positivity is overrated, or confess that I am weak and lonely, I would curl up and find you don’t share the same view. Because this place is warm, even if I show too much skin off. And for the reason that your eyes radiates and the way your flesh glows under the dim light. Even though I can’t see it, ‘cause my eyes are usually wide shut.

And I know that I would rate the place with five stars. Because no matter how jumpy or tired I am, there is always a bliss. And it doesn’t matter the next thing I do, whether I will smile, or cry, or simply say nothing since I only want to feel to be next to you. And whatever words come out of my mouth whether I curse the world or exaggeratedly praise the sun. You will response with, I love you more.

And you will say that everything is going to be alright. And even though I know it’s a lie because not all things turn out exactly the way I want to be, and this little demanding girl does not always get what she wants. But it feels so good to know that somebody also hopes for the same thing.

At all times the world is just too mean and the weather gets too harsh, I just want to curl up. Because right there, at the curve of your body, I believe it is the most comfortable zone on earth.

White Lies

2011-07-28T22:32:00.000-07:00

Back then I used to make banana-strawberry smoothies for breakfast and stored them in his big tall Grolsch glass. He put them in the balcony since it was colder there than in the fridge. We started to move out things from the fridge to the balcony. Chickens, fruits, veggies, my straciatella yoghurt, and mostly beers. The room did not become more spacious, but we enjoyed having the big freezer outside. Once in a while we opened the door just to feel the chillin’ breeze. I wrapped my self tighter in my red fleece blanket and yelled out half-laughing ‘Close the door, you’re killling me!’ He was reaching out for a chicken which is too far and the balcony floor was slippery . Shortly he fell flat on his butt. I laughed out loud completely and let my body slip out of the red fleece blanket.

We always stayed until late. Until too late. I love the quiet of the night while watching the falling snow. It was such a bliss to see my tiny world covered in a white blanket. All white and nothing else. ‘Look look! It’s the snow truck, it sprinkles salt onto the street.’ Again, we went out to the balcony without our winter jackets on and felt the winter breeze. Very much refreshing and I wish I had pink blushes on both of my cheeks. ‘I wanna be a snowtruck driver!’ He did not respond as if affraid to loose his balance if he open his mouth. ‘I think being a snowtruck driver is very humanist.’

Though the snow finally melts down and surely I am happy for extra sunshine, but I guess the memory of winter never fades away. The entire memory of him also stays, but to my preference, I would love to keep him as a part of my winter scenes. Only.

This time again

2011-02-26T21:37:00.000-08:00

So, this time again. We met again.

It’s been several years. As usual, you popped up in front me, out of nowhere. Then we made an appoinment somewhere in the middle of our hectic life.

We’re aging. You with your mohawk-wannabe haircut and me with my unusual long hair temporary permed. I poked your beer belly and you politely mentioned that mine is nothing compared to yours. I don’t mind.

Of course we managed to be alone. Just the two of us, embracing what can be done in such a short time. I inhaled your pheromones like crazy and noticed that you can’t take your eyes off of me.

We confessed that it’s wonderful to see each other again. I must say I’m happy, in a very precious way I can imagine. It is still the first two months of the year and I didn’t expect to be with you this soon.

We’ve been moving in a subtle way, careful and reckless at the same time. Realizing that we are not teenager again, and this is not young adult fiction scenes we’re playing parts in. But I must say I am happy, and high and bareboned crazy and everything. ‘Cause I like being with you, sharing breakfast, stroling the street with my hand in your hand, watching people and even more doing nothing with you. It’s been a great time we had, where we are a lover to each others. Personal and confidential.

And to have you in a zero distance is such a priviledge. I like the curve of your arms, the texture of your skin, the bright stars in your eyes and even more your big laughters shouted loud to my ears. And man, you don’t know how much you captivated me with the way you walk, the way you talk. I guess there’s no single thing about you that I don’t like.

But this time again, I think I prefer something to call my own.

Man in mission

2011-01-25T20:06:00.000-08:00

Imagine each line pop up in your e-mail according to the dates.

You are on board now in a new mission. Starting now.

01/07/09 Mission #1: Enroll to an Dutch institute called ITC under the major of Applied Earth Sciences. Link.

14/09/09 Mission #2: Hang around in the lobby of your dormitory. Wear your short, pretend it’s not that cold.

19/09/09 Mission #3: Pay attention to the lectures, you need to study hard at the very beginning.

23/09/09Mission #4: Find target. A girl named Dita. Small, middle length hair, turqoise blue blackpack with a bumblebee transformer keychain. She’s enrolled in a former badge than you. Link.

24/09/09 Mission #5: During coffee break time, sit with the target, sip your coffee religiously. Give compliment on her bumblebee keychain.

05/10/09 Mission #6: Attend the party at the dorm lounge, bring your DSLR camera. Spot target, stand nearby, show off your photography talent a bit. Offer her a bottle of Grolsch, then, ask her to dance with you.

07/10/09 Mission #7: Send one of the best pictures of her to her official e-mail.

08/10/09 Mission #8: She wants to copy the whole pictures, make an appointment, let her come to your room. At the very last minute, tell her you are busy and drop by at her room.

12/11/09 Mission #9: Organize an autumn photo hunting with her and her bestfriends.

14/11/09 Mission #10: Repeat Mission #7 and #8. Say yes when she invites you to drink tea at the end of the day.

17/11/09 Mission #11: Cook fried rice and do the eggs in sunny side up, invite her to dinner.

23/11/09 Mission #12: Sit with her during coffee break, ask her about earthquake and feel amazed.

03/11/09 Mission #13: Ask her to help you on your individual project about earthquake damage assessment.

05/11/09 Mission #14: Repeat Mission #11, but cook something traditional and vegetarian.

08/11/09 Mission #15: Cook her dinner more frequently.

21/11/09 Mission #16: Attend the christmas party, celebrate your individual project remarkable mark. Offer her bottles of Grolsch. Dance with her, stay all night with her. Don’t let her go home alone. Kiss her.

23/11/09 Mission #17: Organize a ski christmas holiday at Alpen with her. Have fun with the snow and always warm her.

01/01/10 Mission #18: Spend everyday with her – onward.

02/01/10 Mission #19: Spend everynight with her - onward.

17/01/10 Mission #20: Ask her to go to Paul MacCartney concert. Hug her tight during “Calico’s Sky”

20/01/10 Mission #21: Bear with her mood swing. Thesis’s been giving her a lot of pressure.

01/02/10 Mission #22: Always attend her presentation and give compliments.

02/02/10 Mission #23: Help her on the writing but don’t over critize her.

03/02/10 Mission #24: Be her shoulder to cry on

04/02/10 Mission #25: Do the weekly swimming at Aquadrome with her.

01/03/10 Mission #26: Repeat Mission #24

05/03/10 Mission #27: Celebrate an intimate graduation party for her. Feel happy but at one point look her in the eye and seriously utter “I’ll miss you.”

07/03/10 Mission #28: Help her on packing. Sweep off her so-called origami artwork and tell her you’ll keep them.

09/03/10 Mission #29: Organize a trip to Prague with her, feel like you don’t want to let her go.

01/04/10 Mission #29: Drop her at the airport. Hug her tight and kiss her short.

02/04/10 Mission #30: Text her everyday. Call her every other day. All about the lonely days in NL and how you miss her desperately.

05/04/10 Mission #31: Send her picture of cherry blossom. Write about love artistically.

01/05/10 Mission #31: Send her e-mail everyweek. Write about missing her artistically.

02/05/10 Mission #32: Encourage her to adjust with her new environment.

17/05/10 Mission #33: Reduce the call frequency.

18/05/10 Mission #34: Occasionally write blog about LDR sucks.

07/06/10 Mission #35: Tell her that summer is not fun to be spent alone.

12/06/10 Mission #36: Tell her that you are busy with group assignment.

19/07/10 Mission #37: Ask her opinion about your thesis topic options.

23/07/10 Mission #38: Tell her you are busy with thesis proposal.

18/08/10 Mission #38: Drop a line that there was a new student who remind you of her

20/08/10 Mission #39: Organize a meeting point halfway. According to your thesis fieldwork, it is Vietnam.

08/09/10 Mission #40: Enjoy the sunset at Halong Bay with her.

10/09/10 Mission #41: Be very quiet at your last day in Vietnam.

01/10/10 Mission #42: Reduce the long distance call further.

21/10/10 Mission #43: Post a picture of you and a girl in the party.

01/11/10 Mission #44: Stop sharing. But tell her you miss her.

03/11/10 Mission #45: Occasionally leave the phone unanswered when you see her name beeping on your mobile.

30/12/10 Last mission: Let a girl answer her call with strong chinesse accent with this line: “You can not speak to him anymore. I am his girlfriend now.”

Congratulations, your mission is accomplished.

Regards,

International Agency of Heartbreakers

Comparative Study on 2010

2011-01-02T10:05:00.001-08:00

Cimaja, 1st January 2011
Right. The new year day.

Last year, on the new year eve, right in the 6th floor of a dorm room in insignificant town called Karsluhe, I managed to compose a long summary note of 2009. Some people commented that the note was earthy, positive and beautiful. Thank you, for the compliments. This year, seriously, I don’t know what to write in terms of quality. But I have to force my self anyway, new year’s not only good for throwing fireworks, it’s also a good point to do some rewind.

Okay right, 2010. What’s on 2010? It’s kinda hard to make a review of 2010 without comparing it with 2009. If I haven’t live my life the way I was in 2009, maybe I would say 2010 was just another year, full with ups and downs, tide and ebb. People fell in and out of love, moved in and out of town or hang on. But in 2010 I doubted everything that life has offered me. Beforehand, I have had the year full of hard works vs. parties, grounded doing homework vs. intense traveling during holiday, breaking up vs. making up, and all that. Then it’s not overrated to say that for the upcoming year, I want the best in life as I don’t opt for mediocre one. But hey ladies, you better be watch out for over expectations.

Immediately after I finished my student life and a little trip where I fell in love with Ghent in the early 2010, I returned home and ready to face the world with such energy. Then what’s next? Nothing but a stagnant life led to a constant boredom. I’m ready to take a big leap, move somewhere far, being in an emergency, but hey chill out girl. Let’s just stay home, eat home made food and have plenty of sleep. Go get yourself a husband or wife then you can enjoy life even more. Or might be a house and a fancy car. And right there, I fell apart. I miss my 2009.

I said that 2009 was the year of learning, then supposedly in the year of 2010 I get the degree with flying marks and live happily ever after. Get a decent job that pays me well, or get married as an option. But life is designed with surprisingly twisted ending and so in 2010 I ended up with so many questions about life.

Why didn’t Billy Corgan play Cherub Rock for encore? Why on earth that I am home but can’t do what I want to do? Why the South-East Asian backpacking trip only last 3 weeks while it should have been 3 months!? Why UNEP of Kenya didn’t send me any news after the interview? Why, I declared my self as a super-tropical girl but then I miss the snow? Why Jakarta sucks but surprisingly I feel home in it? Why do I love Ron Weasley? Why do people go crazy Red and White over football and I was mooned over One Day? Why do people break people’s heart? Why aren’t you here with me tonight?

I wish there were some kind of life professor who I can turn to each time these questions pop up in my head. Or at least (s)he can give me a list of references which I can refer to. Or download and save it in my gadget, then feel save with having it though never read it anyway. Oh pardon, this scholar’s habit in me.

So I strolled days of the year, wondered and sometimes frown. Thinking back 2010, I was reunited again with people in my inner circle. Family, ten of us, the girls, elementary school mates, high-school buddies, ex-boyfriends, ex co-workers and people that have been wondering, where in the world am I? Crossing path again with them chained me up to the ground. Sharing laughter with them didn’t directly solve my problem, but surely charged me up bit by bit and realize that we are human after all. Human being that sometimes wants to do so much but God limits and in the end we can just sit back and enjoy the show.

The questions left unanswered, but as the year approached to an end I’m trying to walk the walk with chin up. I decided to have faith on my self and the life ahead in 2011. I believe in a good will. Additionally, good things which always turn to an end are indeed making an enter way to another good things. And as New Radicals said, someday we’ll know, someday I’ll know the answer of these questions with or without having to take PhD course.

And for those of you whose hearts have been badly broken and beaten up in 2010, don’t worry. I’ve been there, in and out, back and forth and I have learnt that heart grows. Even bigger, even stronger.
Welcome to the year 2011.

Note: The picture above was sunset at Halong Bay, not Cimaja. Hanoi trips was one of the few best moments of 2010.

To a sunrise

2010-12-09T21:06:00.000-08:00

I woke up at dawn this morning, unconsiously checking messages in my cellphone. Then I remember the obituary last night.

On my bed, with my eyes open and the room was still dark, I thought of you. Or more of me. Particularly when I said “I’ll make it up to you.” The promise that easier said than done, because we’re human and we always race with time.

It stroke me hard. Apparently, I don’t have all the time in the world. Then I’d rather blame this spacious world. It takes time to get me to your side. And money. And all the efforts to move this lazy bum.

I never managed to make it up to you. I didn’t try hard enough though. Part of me hesitated, are you worth the effort? Do you really want me to make it up to you?

Alone, it gets me to a deeper thinking. I do really want to make it up to you. Doesn’t matter how many times you let it down. Doesn’t matter you appear and dissappear without logic. You should be the one called by Rainbow, because rainbow doesn’t always come out after the rain. Unlike sunrise, it never fails to show after the dark night. Ah, for someone who’s been calling me the Rainbow nickname, I should beat the lazy ass.

The morning crawled in, I crawled back to bed under my fleece blanket. The noise from the nearby mosque broke in the silent. You missed the sunrise today. But I bet, where you are now is sunrise all the time.

Whose date didn't show up.

2010-12-01T04:17:00.000-08:00

She has already woken up before her alarm rang, how rare is that. Exactly 7 o’clock the alarm beeped as she was stepping out out from the shower, followed by the smell of her conditioner all over the room. Immediately she hit the ‘off’ button. Her hair was still damp as she put on her black underwear. Most of the time she wears black underwear, but this pair is special, the lacy one but not racy. Or a lot racy, maybe she needed that way.

She browsed through her wardrobe. Feeling a bit flashy today, she put on her creme dress. It is a bit too short though, but she loves showing off her legs. Badminton does it good. And there’s nothing wrong to show off some skin, isn’t it?

She looked at herself at the mirror. Okay, what to do with the face. Nothing. She learn the hardway that guys does not need inches of make up to fall in love with. But of course, for protection and treatment, she applied daycream, sun screen and a sheer of loose powder in neutral color. Hmm, let’s do something about the eyes an lips later. Later in the day, when the time is very near.

Now, the shoes. The vinyl black medium-high wedges, or the creme flats? She tried the flats first then changed to the wedges. Then finally decided to wear the flats. Height is not her signature, so no need to try hard on this one.

She grabbed her bag on the fly then off to the office, where she hardly sat still on her seat and kept on checking on her mobile. Of course, she was too distracted to think rocket science that day. But time flies, some tasks were done and let’s just put things aside for Monday morning to begin the week with. She checked on her watch it was 6 pm already and her heart beat a bit faster.

She stopped in the toilet, bursting out make-up kits from her purse. Soft purple eyeshadows were applied, mascara was spread over her lashes and pinkish blush on were dubbed into her cheekbones. She put on her blue star earrings and took a last look. Hair was ok, everything was great, beside she couldn’t take off the smile of her face.

The Germany restaurant is their favorite dining place. She loves the creamy mushroom soup and the local brewery produced the best beers in town. She sat alone and ordered the usual menu. Accross from her table was two white men talked in enthusiast about business. She didn’t pay attention at all, mostly she swept her eyes over the room, looking for a sign of someone’s present. And of course she kept on checking on her mobile again which unfortunately seemed to be disturbingly quiet. Many times, she starred at it, just to make it ring or beep as a sign that the message is coming.

Two hours have passed. The delicious light meal was finished and the smile from her face has vanished. She was fiddling with her mobile, as if she blamed the equipment of its disfunction. She didn’t dare to lift up her head, she felt ugly and didn’t want the whole world to she her in such situation. A pretty girl eating out alone, even without a book or magazine in hands. There must be something really bad going on. Beside, one of the white men kept starring at her, she can tell that he must be feeling sorry for her.

She gulped down her beer. Gosh, how she felt like she should be really drunk right now. The world doesn’t seem to understand it’s been a long awaiting and how she has dressed up for such an occassion. Such a guy.

Finally, she wrapped up her bag, took out her purse and waved to waiters, asking for the bill. Shortly the waiter arrived and handed her a paper. Her meal expense. Then, he handed her another note, and told her giggly that the note came from that guy. He appointed one of the white men accross her table. She looked at him in surprise while the guy intensely starred at her with a confident smile. The written on the paper was: ‘+628111111 Max. You look very beautiful.’

She smiled back. Took out money from her wallet, paid the bills and wrote down on the same note: ‘Thank you. But I didn’t dress up for you.’

She walked to her flat and crashed into bed with a beaten heart. For once in life she now knows how it feels.

Note on my summer sailing camp

2010-11-21T11:17:00.000-08:00

Enschede, 29 June 2009

Yesterday I went sailing at Friesland. We strolled along in the canals and roaming around the lake with our rented boats. Got my skin tanned in just about the right amount (will work on that later), and my Cities I’ve Visited map pinned with another favorite spot.

But today I feel sad. Not because yesterday was not fun or today is less fun. But just now I realized that I am so far from the things that I want to do. Well, maybe not all of my dreams, but some of them. I have just realized about things I wanna do forever. For instances, I like floating in the water on my back and watching the blue sky. I also like wearing less clothes, not because I want to be sexy (I don’t think sexyness judged by the way we dress), but because I feel energetic with more of my skin exposed. And right now, I’m enjoying the feeling of in love without being attached. It is so liberating.

While washing the dishes, I was thinking about all those things. Everything I love, lead to one highlight: freedom. I never understand why people wants to lean on and at the same time recognized my self as a weak figure. Been trying to put my feet in their shoes but I failed at times. I don’t know how to balance my steps, so I guess I’ll decide to fly. Or float. Or sail. Or stay. Or both.

On Packing

2010-09-22T04:02:00.000-07:00

Enschede, sometimes in March.

This morning I went up to my room and empty my fridge. Found a cup of straciatella yoghurt and decided to keep it for the night. It is expired though, but as usual I don't care. Yoghurt is rotten milk anyway. Last night I packed up all the things and gave away things to everybody. It is always nice to see our stuffs become useful for someone else. I did a magic call for a friend. It turned out he was very happy for inheriting old school testament, free food, free party stuffs, and the most important is stack of origami papers. We wrapped up things with beers and chips and south East Asian little party.

The first round of packing was done.

Today I woke up in a not-so-strange room and had trouble finding my toiletries in too many cardboard boxes around me. I went to university feeling a lot sleepy, but by five managed to finish the tasks for today. Then I wrapped up things and go home, had too-sweet fried noodle and immediately fell asleep.

Looking all around me, every where are cardboard boxes and semi-packed stuffs. My room mate had a terrible hang over from last night and the smooth snore is all over the room.

I have so many stuffs and looking at the two big overloaded trash bag, I can not believe how many craps and useless things I've been keeping in my room all this time. Shoe boxes, plastic forks, water bottles, shirt I never dare to wear, two size bigger pants, paper, paper, and more papers. I feel uneasy throwing them, but once I decided to get them into the trash bag, they disappear from my life. I feel relieved.

Maybe my life is similarly like that. I have too many junks crowded in. And most of the time I wish that I can easily throw them in a trash bag. Because I believe I’m better if I focus on goals and important issues. But oh how I often curse my complicated mind. And how I wish now to efficiently packing my self.

Go away bad things. Shooh shooh.

The XXs

2010-08-31T13:08:00.000-07:00

Readers are free to mix and match the paragraphs. Just make sure you do the numbers correctly.

[1] My ex boyfriend came to my town. After four years of separation without any news exchange, the universe conspired to make us meet. Physically. He texted me all of sudden, said that he was in town. A happy surprises it was though I reluctantly replied. He a bit insisted to arrange a rendezvous and the next thing was, I sat quietly in the couch of his hotel lobby.

[2] He said I look no different than the girl he dated four years ago. I took it as an insult. I wore the same kind of ripped-off t-shirt, the same over worn denim pants and exactly the same flip flops. I amazed that I didn’t dress my self up to impress him. On the other hand, he didn’t look any different either, though I managed to lock up the words in my mouth. He was still lean and tall, with his pale skin and the quizzical light in his eyes.

[2] He said I look different and I raised one of my eyebrows. He smiled and I took it as a compliment. I was sure I did not dress up, but the plain white t-shirt was enough to impress him. I guess somewhere I forget when, I heard he likes me in white. We shook hands and I can not take my eyes off of him. He looks slightly more mature though he was still the same lean and tall that I used to date. His eyes were twinkling, still.

[3] He took me, or rather I took him to a dinner in a Chinese restaurant. He enjoyed the food so much, he managed to finish them off while I eat just enough and desperately seeking for beers. Unlucky me, no beers in this Chinese restaurant. And of course we talked. A lot to cache up but we slowly chatted about general stuffs like what are we doing, and how are the friends we had back then.

[3] He took me, or rather I took him to an Italian restaurant. He said that was the best spaghetti aglio ‘olio he ever had and I bet he hasn’t taste mine. We ordered red wine though I convinced him that wine makes me sleepy. And of course we had talked. I was a little bit chatty, blame the wine. Mostly he smiled and made funny comments.

[4] Then the big questions were popped up. Are you seeing someone now? He showed me a golden ring wrapped in his left finger and I instantly rephrase my answer. I’m seeing someone now, but it’s not a long term relationship yet. Who’s the lucky guy? You don’t want to know and he kept his mouth shut about this matter.

[4] Then the big questions popped up. Are you seeing someone now? I showed him the golden ring sweetly wrapped my finger, “I’m engaged!” as I said excitedly. A little too much. He smiled oh so wide and examined the ring. I didn’t see any rings on any of his fingers and I was too afraid to ask further. He looked deeply into my eyes and I know the night shouldn’t be bothered by the question.

[5] As soon as he finished his dinner, he took me back to his hotel, and this time he directly guided me to his room. I sat on the edge of his bed, not sure what I want to do. I forced my self to watch the tv which aired some craps as usual while he was watching me. After sometimes he sat beside me and kissed my cheek. I sit silently still then he took it as a cue to kiss another part of my body. I kissed back.

[5] We skipped the coffee and get a cab. On the backseat we sat side by side, trying hard to act casual. He hugged my shoulders and I found comfort. The taxi went directly to his hotel, and we went directly into his room. He turned on the tv and we watched a documentary about

Madagascar

monkey. Next, the penguin. We were so into it and I didn’t realize he stroked my hair lightly. When I turned away from the tv I met his eyes. We kissed.

[6] One thing led to another and the next thing was I sat comfortably in the back seat of the taxi. Right after I arrived home, I hit the shower.

[6] One thing led to another and the next thing was I woke up in the morning next to him. And just like that we got together again.

…

Watch things on VCRs, with me and talk about big love
I think we're superstars, you say you think we are the best thing

VCR – the XX

Piercing Hanoi

2010-06-06T20:05:00.000-07:00

Hanoi today, 19 May 2010. We were picked up by #vn guy and his mate who then took us for a pho dinner. Pho has always been my favorite dishes even before I went to the original country. So, having the big white fat rice noodle by sitting in kindergarten-like chairs on the sidewalk, at fairly cheap price but taste at the very best, it was simply heaven. #Vn guy offered a cup of cold tea in a plastic cup, which turned out to be black color drink tasted extremely bitter. I said thank you, but thank you. I didn’t bother to remember the name because I’m sure I’m not gonna order it again. He said the drink was good to give me a good sleep and we all laughed when I said it is not for a sleepyhead person like me.

After that he took us along 1 meter narrow alley, up to the fourth floor of a decent coffee shop then enjoy the scenery from above. Something that is not written in any of the guide books. The view was amazing, Hoan Kiem lake from above along with its colorful ball-shaped lamps, the giant clock on the post office building which Vietnamese refer as their Big Ben, the old colonial buildings around us, and the illumination light from motorcycles traffic below. All of them, plus the silhouette of the young couple who made out obviously in front of us. Right. But we let it be something funny and as usual laughed it out loud.

The coffee kicks strong, and so was he. Not literally, but strong enough to fly me back thousand miles and exactly one year a go, to the days we noticed each other for the first time. Days when we were riding our bikes side by side and fooled around, crowding in our activities with sports, pictures hunting or just simply standing on my balcony. He smoked cigarette religiously while I was doing most of the talking.

Just like general of the Vietnamese, no offense, his English is not perfect. That’s why most of the time I was the talk-active being and he speaks with his eyes. I tried to read his body language, but I guess Vietnamese wasn’t built with extra expressions. With these limitations, I dared my self to read signs from his eyes.

From my eyes, #vn guy is a symbol of Asian simplicity, utterly humble yet profoundly stands on his beliefs and very well matured by his role as a father. He looks quiet and seems to think a lot. Even he has this funny tone of saying “No,” as if he thinks ten times before saying the objection. Very rare he explicitly tells a tale of his life though once it was revealed, I guess it is something to be proud of. After one year of separation, I took a look at him. Nothing changed. He is still the same decent and modest man who stole a piece of my heart. This time, I generously gave another piece.

He showed us around his over populated town. It stroke me that I wasn’t alone with him here, obviously there are more than 6.5 people in Hanoi and I silently assumed that the amount of motorcycles is at least half of it. The houses were built on small patched of land with many storey due to the awfully high rate of the land price, the third most expensive rate after New York and Tokyo. Then I silently assumed that he must have been working hard for a piece of land in outskirt of the town.

I confessed that I love the city. There’s something about the lively city. Hanoi is far from systematic and well-organized city, but it has its own charms. The freely flagging yellow communist logo on red background, bubbling streets, cozy lake and high pitch noises from motorcycle horns are parts of its signature. As an addition, the gastronomic experience is south-east asia culinairy at its best and the coffee is black, thick, bitter and kicks strong. Three sips of it are enough to made me high and all smiley. And this October, Hanoi will celebrate its 1000 anniversary and we enjoyed the festive atmosphere. Hanoi looks that old, but contented with its high spirits vibrant.

As the night was slowly vanishing at very late, I confessed that I love the city and was happy.

But I didn’t confess that it was possibly him who made the difference.

I silently assume that he read it from the light of my eyes.

"No, I'm Sid."

2010-05-22T01:59:00.000-07:00

Fine. Hate me. I don’t deserve any of your sympathy, I am an evil with human being identity. Disgust my self inside and out. My fake teeth, my crisp laughter, the way I love stuffed animals, and everything you can’t stand of. I know you dislikes all of my attached adjectives; selfish, single-minded, stranger’s lover, childish, spontaneous, thoughtless, wicked, dangerous flirtatious, heavy procrastinator, sleepyhead to the bone and all that. Call me bitch, hideous, anything. Spit out your nasty words and bad mouth me. Hate me, anyway you want to, it won’t be wrong.

Blame me. For I have destroyed your future, your hope, your dream house, and everything. For Ive been letting my heart hanging out all this time, it was too easy to be ripped out. I’m reckless, and you know I am far from flawless, I don’t belong to your world of perfect simetry. You think you have done everything you could and meanwhile I went anywhere I like and did nothing, so blame me. Slap my face and leave me feeling proud because I don’t have the rights for complain it. Forget the weatherman and let me carry all the guilt upon my shoulder.

Fine. Hate me. Do everything you want to ease yourself. But you can not control me, as you know I am numb. Again, reckless. Maybe, heartless.

You might have been skipped the movie, but I watched it 3 times already just to heart Summer.
My favorite part was:
Summer: We've been like Sid and Nancy for months now.
Tom: Summer, Sid stabbed Nancy, seven times with a kitchen knife, I mean we have some disagreements but I hardly think I'm Sid Vicious.
Summer: No I'm Sid.
(500) Days of Summer

Young Adult Friction

2010-04-28T22:27:00.000-07:00

So I back in this old place again, the place where I’ve spent more than hundred thousand nights. It feels so good now, like a simple reunion. I wish I have a decent table for doing computer or paper works, but the desk have moved since ten years ago because it only collected dust. As a replacement, more and more shelves were inserted here. The book collection is obviously growing and I feel happy thinking of it.

I re-read again my favorite books. A bit of guilty feeling is creeping inside since I know that there are still stacks of books that I haven’t finished reading. But then I can’t help it. I long to be glued to a book, and with too many books published these days, it is hard to find one that sticks to hands.

Today I decided to turn again the pages of Summer Sister by Judy Blume. And yes, in sitting of 3 hours, I have re-read one third of it. I stop now, I was trying to catch my breath when Vix, the main character of the book, is having her seventeenth birthday bash. She celebrated it in the beach, along with Caitlin, her bestfriend, or so-called summer sister, and their boyfriends. Warning, spoiler.

They were young, free, reckless and glowing. I can feel the sensation of skin against skin and the overflowing of sunshine. The heart that might skip a beat and the intention to go all the way, without hesitation. Ah, when did I have that kind of sensation? Was it a long time a go? Do I still remember? I went dizzy.

But then I remember the feeling I have had when I was reading this part for the first time. Although I was not a teenager, but I was so envied by the adventures. I remember, I made a mental note not to grow old very soon and gulp the sensation again.

This time I also made a mental note, clearly written with a mixed opinion from my brain, that this is only a young adult fiction. This only happens in young adult life or fiction. Might be strange, might be overwhelming, but this time let me go for a real thing.

"...youre taking toffee with your vicodin
something sweet to forget about him..."

Young Adult Friction - Pains Being Pure at Heart

Summer Rain

2010-04-23T10:04:00.000-07:00

I flied over thousand miles and skipped spring. I said goodbye to less than 5 degrees temperature with cool breeze and trace of snow then just daydreaming about blooming magnolia. Where I am now, it is 100% summer with over 30 degrees and sticky air. As an addition, sometimes during the day, rain falls like the earth is having shower to wash away the dirtiest dirt. Great, summer rain. No, it’s not summer rain, it’s just rain, typical tropical rain.

That sort of rain reminds me of summer rain last year. Ah, that was truly a summer rain. Big raindrops, a bit cold and lasted all day. I enjoyed it from the big windows of my room, watching the water poured quickly, a bit disappointed because I had to cancelled a lot of my plans. Though I had trustable umbrella, raincoat and waterproof boots, but some of the activities have to be let go.

Strangely somehow, I cherished it, the rainy summer days. And if I was too tired to go anywhere I silently wish it was raining. I made a cup of hot chocolate, add few baileys and tuned in to my ‘rain’ play list. The list contains ‘Rainy days and Mondays’ of Carpenters, ‘When I’m thinking about you’ of the Sundays, ‘Gravity’ of Bic Runga, randomly jazzy tunes I downloaded, and many more. Seduced by the chilly weather, the stomach always is more active. Luckily, the excellent chef was next door. He managed to serve suitable food for rainy days, like steamboat, green curry paste, and various soups that I don’t know the name but remember the yummy taste very well.

It’s funny how I remember summer days by the pouring rain. Of course I tried not too waste the chance to have fun under the sun. Many times during week days we went to the outdoor swimming pool and jumped around using the trampoline or had picnics in the park. In week ends we had barbeque parties by the lake and played in the water. I had a two days escapade and collapsed because it was steaming hot in the east Europe. And my favorite part is, sailing in the snaky rivers of Sneek. Oh, what a summer!

But still it’s funny how now I reminisce summer by rainy days where I did nothing but doing activities in my room. I guess it is the nature of me, don’t you think so? Despite all the excitement, I usually remember the most tough times and how I survive them, staying alive, healthy and happy. Sometimes it is hellish or depressing, and sometimes the constant boredom what kills me. But Hole said Live Through This and I believe that. Often the not-so-good moments become the bad memories sector of my brain and are erased unconsciously. Then, of course, the great thing stays, just like antibody. A remedy inside of me, give me verve and strength to carry on. To live through any moments, no matter worse or unbearable. Because there is sunshine after the rain, or even the rain it self is such a beautiful moment of our life.

Living on a jetlag

2010-03-29T11:28:00.001-07:00

It’s been five days and the jetlag doesn’t want to go away yet. Deep sigh. I gulped down coffee after coffee during the day and beer after beer during the night. Unfortunately, due to the traffic in the house, I have been woken up in the morning. Most of the time, it is too early before I could catch 8 hours sleep to call it enough rest.

Usually I try to be on bed around 12 at night. That is my normal bed time and generally I could not stay awake until 10 minutes after I hit the pillow. But during the jetlag period, after one hour I find my eyes are still wide awake then I try to read a book. After 30 minutes I put down the book and try to close my eyes. Instead of drifting into a sleep, my rapid eye movement is still on a high rate and my thoughts are wandering so furious. Typically, all of the things I worry about pop up and I would try my best not to sob.

Then I decided to get up. Sometimes I have supper and water after water and try to sleep again. Sometimes I try to read books again or turning on my laptop and play that stupid computer games. Most of the times I feel a bit relieved for just staying awake and admitting that I am still on a jetlag.

Tonight I find my self under the influence of different bedtime. I have been doing all the rituals, reading, playing games or just laying on a bed. The difference is, tonight I feel contented. I don’t know why. When I noticed that everybody was fast asleep while I was busy with my jetlag night ritual, I feel safe and happier. Strangely, I find a solace with the darkness all around me and a comfort in a night rhythm, buzzing sound from the fridge, the surprisingly loud tick tock from the old wooden clock, the mechanical movement noise of my brother’s cheap fan and the voice inside my head.

FYI, my boyfriend is visiting, and he is taking over my room while I moved to my brother’s room. Accordingly, all the rooms in the house are occupied and I am loosing my individual spaces. New Order might label it, a place to call my own. Normally, I never mind this. I am certainly not a solitaire person. Though I might be close to selfish, but my life is too often oriented to the people. I like moving from one person to another and am not easily disturbed by the busy crowd. But these strange times I gladly enjoy my own company during the jetlag hours. Just doing what I want to do, without someone’s spying on me, more ever make comments and ruin my day by giving me a cranky mood.

A western lifestyle has bizarrely built an individual human-being inside me, a strong one. And this one seems braver, sharper and more demanding at the same time. I suspect this is a consequence of being exposed big to the variety of people. And also due to the fact that I have been missing the people here too much. The days of the month have been tough as well, circumstances changed and mood swings uncontrollably. Maybe, just a maybe, no matter how hard I missed the lovely people here, what I often miss the most is my self. Me as my own company.

The cute mug with a little cow inside

2010-02-22T14:19:00.000-08:00

I gulped my lady grey tea slowly. Nice. First cup of tea in the morning always raise the curtains from my eyes.
Ah, but this is Sunday, no hurry at all. No assignments to go for a while, and no exam perking up on the schedule. At least, for the week ahead. I plug in the internet cable and wandering aimlessly in the cyber world. Found out the it is unsurprisingly quiet out there. In the need of some music, I tuned in to the Sundays radio. Listening to Wild Horses and Leave This City. Couldn't get any better.

I gulped the tea again then looked at my newly purchased mug. It is a medium big (how come medium be big?) in blue color with a big cow hand-painted on one side. What I like the most is, there is a little cow statue inside. (s)he is peeking up and at the moment is being drawn by the orangish brown transparent tea water.

There was this stupid game on facebook where I join sisters community and fight against other girls. Until now I don't know exactly why I joined them and although I sometimes don't touch it for long while, but I keep coming back again. Sometimes, I play the game, choose lame boyfriends and buy shiny clothes that I would not wear in my real life. In this unreal life, I have a jet plane and more than 25 high heels. It is less fun than my real life though, where I only own two old bikes, one pair of boots and countless sneakers and flip flops. And of course the real boyfriend here is not a boxer nor have a tattoo, but we can laugh and talk and dream and that all counts.

I gulped down the lady grey tea, the little cow inside the mug is not drowning anymore and largely smile at me. How cute. I looked at the big cow on the front side and incidentally came across the words written just above the cow's back. Holland.

It hurts right here.

What if I don't want the cow mugs as souvenirs?
What if, I want my life in this country back?
Can you please come home like, soonish?

2009 – I was a kaleidoscope

2010-01-05T05:57:00.000-08:00

– an executive summary

This year, I’ve been enrolled in a master course of an institute, so that made me a full-time college student. Period. My life happened between classes, assignments, exams, coffee breaks, journal readings and involved a lot of computer operations. We, students, literally have been spending our life in front of the computer screens almost more than 12 hours a day, and that means half of our student’s life. I try to have a life by squeezing in parties, music concerts, bar hopping, traveling and as normal people do in life, watch movies and read books.

Being a student, my main duty is to learn and report. And with extremely tight deadlines, I worked long hours, digested everything super fast, and the reports mostly came from spinal cord. Crazy, but I have wanted for so long to be here today, so why bother. Complain department is not exist in my student life, but we have life support formed as brilliant lecturers who made the digesting process in doable time, friends who are closer than families and a lot of love even came from strangers.

So, that’s basically is 2009 for me. Of course, many people come and go, numerous new places have been visited and enormous little things made me smile and frown. I really could not wrap up this year yet by fireworks, champagne, prost high in the air altogether with “Happy New Year” shouted out loud, as I’m still in the midst of a big work until the end of February next year. But alright, let’s take a day off, pop up the champagne cork and cheers. Say a prayer and contemplate, even just a little.

As mentioned before, for me 2009 is a year of learning. In 2009 I learn how to read and write, not just a blog but also something more serious like professional report and scientific writings. I learn how to cook, not just putting something in a microwave, but mixing ingredients to create something not too tasteless. I learn how live with sufficient money and made ends meet. I learn how to dress fashionably without showing too much skin. Sometimes face is the only skin to show off, just make it complete with a sincere smile painted on it. I learn how to take pictures with heart, not just get the camera functioning. But most of all, I learn how to love.

I learn how to love whatever the weather. I love the sunshine since a long time ago, so this year I learn how to love a day without it. I learn how to love beginning of spring when the weather is still a bit chilly, but with the smell of magnolia in the air, who would not love it? I learn to love autumn, when it is just cold and colder everyday, but with orange and yellow color of falling leaves, who would not love it? I learn to love winter, when it is just dull and literally hard to breath with sub-zero temperature, but with all white beautiful falling snow from the sky, who would not love it?

I learn how to love people. People with diverse skin colors and culture, their point of view and their flaws. I learn their ritual and their food, and as if it is matter, their biological clock. I am amazed by how our path crossed each other in 2009, and even more overwhelmed that we have to go our separate ways. Still, I love how people inspire me, in any forms. Writings, songs, books, e-mails, blog posts, a pillow talk, long and endless conversation over coffee or by only 140 characters twit.
And by all means, my greatest learning of 2009, is how I learn to love God. And that is, require a whole book or might be series to describe it. So, just keep it aside for now.

I can’t wait for 2010. I think I might fed up with student life and itch to go back to be an organizations’ slave or maybe self-employ my self. I don’t know yet. Let it be unsolved mysteries and let 2010 brings surprise answers. I am not in the mood of making any new years resolutions as well. But one certain thing is, I want to keep on learning in the upcoming years, whether I am a college student or not. Whether I am granted a degree or not.
Life is one big institution, and we are sure here to learn.

Behind and in front, that counts

2009-10-06T15:21:00.000-07:00

Last night, a friend emerged into my room and rapidly talked about his new lens. A humongous telelens, but it doesn’t work with his brand new flashy DSLR camera. He wanted to test the lens with my DSLR. I handed him the camera body then he attached the lenses. Nope. Sorry, my friend, it doesn’t work as well with mine. Instantly he thought and uttered that he was going to find another camera body to match his lens. He needed for his bird watching activity. I shrugged and said to him that I would love to have one but as of now I have to be satisfied with my semi-wide lens kit which I love to a bit. We did a bit of talk about digital camera, especially DSLR because he seemly doesn’t tolerate pocket camera. Then off he went.

Alone in my room, I look at my baby, Canon 350D. I caressed it slightly. She’s been with me since… uhm, 2007? Yes, exactly. Well, it was bought in mid 2006, but since 2007 we’ve been traveling intensively.

She’s been working very hard, I must say. Sometimes she doesn’t mind the weather and many times she was very close to ocean. One place that I know is not very good for her health. She’s been switching countries and most of the time has to adjust vigorously to the climate. I took a closer look, she seems to be old. In fact she is old, even the manufacturer decided to stop producing the model.

Do I need to change her for something new? The conversation with me and my friend flashed back. As I recall, I don’t really need new features although the LCD screen is a bit small for mw though. I caressed her black body again. That time I realized I love her so much. It feels like realizing how much you love your best friend and how great she is. I don’t care what others have as gadget buddies, as long as me and my 350D get together well and productively captured every moments of our life. I think we’re gonna stick continuously. There are always scenes to discover through my eyes and her view finder. Changing partner is not necessary because this world is so much to explore.

This is an old scratch written in my traveler journal. Inspired by a talented lady who never gives up on photography regarding the obstacles. That's what I called learning. For me, it is what is behind and in front of camera that count :) And thanks to her, me and my baby will shout to the world even louder through a surprise birthday present from her. Love it to a bit!

Question of Fate

2009-09-06T15:25:00.001-07:00

He placed a mat on the floor and all of sudden grabed the candle by the window. The candle was put on top of the table beside the mat. He looked at her and grinned, “I’m going to do my prayer.” She stared away from the book she was reading with the go-ahead look. He was going to do his prayer in his own way, as he is a buddhis, and considered himself as a lousy one. Or maybe a good one, how can she be sure. No clue for this difference practice.

The praying ritual begins with placing his forehead on the mat and then he sat on his legs. It is similar with sujud in moslem praying then istisqa. His small fingers were folded nicely on his lap and he closed his eyes. She continued to read the book, but couldn’t help noticing the notion.

That night, as she watched him praying and she was reading Rumi’s poem silently, she felt like all the candles he lighted in the room were brighter than usual. She felt like there was a chanted music playing in the room, although he has already turned off his iTunes volume. A bliss, something soothing as if her heart wrapped around by her brown polar blanket. The joy being in a little piece of diversity and united at the same time.

She could imagine, her mom would cry a river if she dared to say “Mom, I have a new and he believes in different religion than us.” And she knows exactly the reaction of the big family. The golden-girl aunties most probably would put her in a corner and preach her for days until she have enough and eventually change her mind. She never thought would cross this line somehow, as she always plays in the safe zone, never had an idea to do the twist plot, not even a bend.

But this time she couldn’t help it.

He looks so cute when he prays.

Eye Candy

2009-07-12T13:47:00.000-07:00

It is hard not to be jealous of Candy Dulfer. I like her song, For the Love of You and imagine someone's physically ordinary behind this genius song. Beauty and brain would be too much for one girl, no?

But yesterday, I got the opportunity to watch her on stage. She showed up in her sexy white dress that wiggled every time she moved, which was very often. How can someone not jealous of her? She is amazingly beautiful, with her blonde Farah Fawcett hairstyle, and her mischief smile. Her tanned skin was glowing and her hip was flowing along with her music. She clapped her hands in the air and asked the audience to dance. How could anyone say no? Her funky music was groovy, passionate and full of energy.

And when she blew the sax, oh my God, for me that's when she reveals the most of her sex appeal. I always consider someone who can play musical instruments is attractive. And Candy does it in a very subtle way. Smooth, sharp and sexy. There goes the word again. Sorry, I just can’t help it.

Sometimes she came near the microphone to sing several lines. I don't know, is it just me who was so thrilled with her image, or she has a funky voice character? I could not think twice, there she was, asking us to sing along with her.

What a night. Seeing an almost perfect image of a girl. While today I was starring at her photos which were captured by my self, I could not stop thinking. How can a girl be so picturely perfect? And how can anybody else be ordinary? Has someone ever told me about this unfair world?

Uh, no Dita no, you are now in a happiness of all-that-jazz night symptom. It is not the time to be green with envy or being bitchy for other's beauty. So, I tune on to Candy's soothing hits, and sipped my earl grey tea happily. I put on my shades because on sunset time my room usually is too blinding. The sunshine always makes my room warmer and brighter.

Yes sweetie, let people shine, and let them shine on you.

It always rains in this part of the world

2009-05-17T07:13:00.000-07:00

It’s been a fine day. I woke up late, and enjoyed the free coffee from the hostels vending machine. Considerably, I woke up quite early, because I manage to have a lazy shower and have breakfast down in the white room. The Japanese guy said hi to me, and said he was leaving Antwerp today. I smiled back and wish him good luck in his Euro trip. After that I surfed the free internet and chit chatted with friends. It is always good to exchange unessential news with your dearest persons.

Then I and my travel buddy strolled around the city. The city somewhat reminds me of my hometown and I embraced the feeling home. It has small nice places here and there. The weather was good but turned out to be dull at the end. Ouch. I sheltered under my cyan umbrella but it was raining heavily. We decided to go into a bar with loud 80ies music. He tried the local beer brand, and I ordered something called “Pintcha.”

I was really glad that we stopped at this place and uttered, “Too bad it’s raining today,” he replied with “You always complain.”

I was shocked. I don’t want to be that kind of person. The sentence with a high pitch “No, I’m not!” was on the tip of my tongue, but I kept quiet. He would have been replied with “You always argue,” and arguing is one thing that I’m not good at.

To my defense I murmured “But I hate rain.” He looked at me sharply, “Come on, that’s life.”

Yeah, I hate the he sometimes right, but that’s life. In life, I can not expect sunshine all the time. The weather is changing, the climate is changing, and what could I do except the adaptation? I got sunscreen and shades for shiny days, I got waterproof coat and umbrella for rainy days. What’s next, extra flashlight for super gloomy day? Yes, sometimes there are things you could not change, and the best is equipped our selves with prevention. Or else, move out. And can you imagine the people who are living in this country? Are they moving away? I guess not. They manage to stay in this lovely town. Where it always rains all the time.

I gulped my last pincha and he took me by the hand, “Let’s go.”

On a failed traveling

2009-05-12T22:52:00.000-07:00

So, here I am now, at one (and maybe only) open cafe at this hour. I’m pampering my self with a glass of unexpectedly too-strong Irish coffee. This gloomy weather is killing me. The clouds sucked out my energy andd the raindrops sometimes get me uncomfort. Me and my travelling buddy have been walking for hours under the grey sky and pouring rain. *deep sigh* Sometimes I wish I didn’t expect too much from a holiday, because when you expect more, you’ll often get less. Don’t even dream of romantic getaway, sunshiny day or picturesque scenes, because chances are you might get a clash, dull sky and unmatching mixed-up between historical buildings and modern architectures. When I was trying to enter the museum, it turned out the entrance-fee is not worth the sloppy artifacts inside it. When I want to have lunch in a budget Viatnemese restaurant, it’s not open yet. I’ve been drroling to sit quietly on one supersize-comfy couch in one of the cafes, then the waiter slammed its door in front of my nose. Don’t dream too high baby, unless you prepare to fall hard.

But, this is the part when booze do their job at its best. Thanks for the jam-packed bar with more than 300 beer-brands aligned. Thanks God I’m in Brussels.

I Work With Fire

2009-05-10T02:21:00.000-07:00

This end of weekend (how strange it sounds) we went to the park. There was a carnival and a fireworks show by the lake. People stand up and held their head up to the sky. Kids were running around and sometimes plugged their ears with fingers. The photographers set up their tripods and captured the show neatly. And me? I feel like living in one of my dream. The transition between day and night time made everything a bit blurry. But still, I amused my self with the company. Carnival is always about rushing your adrenalin and indulge your sugar level. Couples might love to spoil each others by winning the dolls or watched the town from the top of ferries wheel. Or probably just sit side by side, amongst the crowd watched the bright tones in the sky. Why did people invent this show? Was it inspired by the war? That night I watched the fire in a quiet close distance, and I just realized beside the big bang sound, they made a strange creepy sounds. Well, I know people were there for the visual entertainment, not to spoil their ears. On the contrary it might be damageable.

What do you think? What’s so good about fireworks? The explosion, the color or the shape? The crowd, the lens you have or someone who hold your hand when you watch the last splash?

How old I grow, how far I go

2009-04-01T14:33:00.000-07:00

It was a long time ago, but it is still crystal clear in my head. I’ve never been so loved in the correct way and the exact person than this. I was having a fever. The sympthoms were quite common during those days, high fever, sore throat followed up with muscles pain. After got home from the doctor, had a proper meal and drank up the antibiotics, I laid on my bed. I was brwosing through the tv channels while waiting for sleepy eyes. Suddenly he entered my room and sat on the edge of my bed. I have just bought Kenny Loggins albums days ago and the cassette cover was on the floor. He saw it, and recognize one of the song. Then he grabed my classic guitar which is my birthday present from him, and started to pick the strings.

“Somewhere out there, beneath the pale moonlight… Someone's thinking of me, and loving me tonight..”

I also sing softly, but before he finished the song, the sleepyhead has taken me over. I woke up a little when he kissed my warm forehead and left the room.

Eventhough I am 15 years older than I was at that time, but I know. No matter how old I grow or how far I go, I will always be that little girl. A girl who deserves a song to sing, a kiss in the forehead and an everlasting wonderful company as him.

Evolve

2009-02-03T15:04:00.000-08:00

Do you think you are the centre of the world? Think again.

O brother where art thou?

2009-01-17T02:36:00.000-08:00

I am the eldest amongst the siblings, but too many people think I’m the youngest. I admit that I do act childish and craving for attention, but I’d rather refer it to the only child characteristics. Those people have mistakenly read the lines.

I was the only child for 5, almost 6, years, then came along my brother. I was very exciting at the beginning, imagining I would have someone to play with, rather than dragged the neighbor kids to stay a while. But when the moment came, I started to realize it might take some times for him to be able to play with me. And then the way people showered him with attention get on my nerve. And it was very upsetting me how everybody let him win just because he’s younger than me. Come on man, in school they taught me about justice, but in my childhood reality it was not realistically exist.

After a while, I was more focus on schools. I’ve always been a bit obsessive about this. On the contrary, I didn’t see it from my brother side. He always seemed chill out and didn’t care about grades. He definitely chose to play with his matchbox cars collection rather than fiddling with math book. Of course, this things drove mom crazy ;)

Time flies. It always does. Right now we are standing physically far apart. It was more or less 25 years that I always had him beside me. Well, not literally beside, but most of the time, we stayed under the same roof. Maybe it’s because the miles distance between us, lately I feel that I didn’t do the elder sister role very well. Amongst these years, how well do I know him? We have never had a close conversation about personal things. Well, he met most of my ex and boyfriends, but do I know something about his personal life? Not a single part of it. But how should I know things?

When he got into education trouble, I tried to find him solutions. Was it the best? How can you be so sure? And after I had a quite satisfactory wages, I managed to spare him a little. The shopping days with him were always the best, because we shared something in common in clothes. Although I sometimes doubt everything. Wasn’t it too spoiling?

Or maybe I was just being too hard on him. After all, I just want him to be strong, struggle a lot in life and take everything responsibly. I really want him to stand tall on his beliefs, his passion, his desire or whatever he feels like doing. As long as they are positive. But then I think again, how can I define one is positive and one is not? Can I figure it out through his view?

He’s a grown up now. I believe, or probably trying hard to believe, that he is a man who head his head up high and deserves to be proud of him self. It is common that we (mom and dad and me) want him to score a goal and we’ll be on the front line, cheering up for him. But hey, let’s just not to be hard on our selves again. After all, I just want him to be his self, and, happy. In your utmost comfortable way.

Happy birthday, Dimas.

Symmetry Mood

2009-01-07T14:23:00.000-08:00

I know I must write a lot since I was in a very intense traveling in the past two weeks. I wrote some in my lovely red moleskin journal, but I could not transfer it into digital file. I don’t know why, my self just doesn’t want to do it.

Instead, today I’ve been in a very mellow mood. I am suspicious, well rather convinced then, that it is something to do with my hormonal cycle. It is about time.

And I could not listen to any other song than this.

How I’m loving the opening: I caught in a symmetry of your mind…

I'm caught in the symmetry of your mind

But I'm not happier than you

Did I really see you or was it just a dream

Dreaming that it was seamless

Not a trace of wrong words

That we have spoken

Little did we know

No bigotry no tears shed

Ohh if only

You'd try to be polite

Thinking you were right

Only to find that you're unkind

But ironically you will always be

Belle of The Ball ...at least to me

Symmetry – Mew

Yeah, I am convinced that I miss you. But I am protecting my heart so tight, not to have it wounded. Not even bruished. This long distance relationship has never been kind for me. In anyway.

Earth Exploration

2008-10-31T04:18:00.000-07:00

It’s been more than a month, and life never stops mesmerizing me as it unfolds its mysteries. Layers by layers and still there are many more. It is earth sciences that I am studying here, and although I have been breathing its air since the day I were born, still a lot of thing to discover. I stared and amazed seeing the abundant of minerals we have in earth and more amazed by the way people dig them. Aside from academic things, daily life loaded me in prosperously. From the phenomenon of 90 degrees sun rise and set, to the way we save its light by turning back the clock one hour. I watched the leaves gradually changed their color from day to day and suddenly one day they are all gone. Leaving a brown trunk and skinny twigs to have time for their own. Mother Nature always works in its wonderful ways. And still, each way is gorgeous.
New places always captivated me. And new person, is another way to grow a new brain inside my head. I usually eagerly tell a lot of tales of my self, and in return, curiously asked question about their self. What is it inside their head? Whose name printed in their heart? I try so listen to their symphony and empathy for the war in their home country. I look at their eyes and there I see other windows of the world. A new world, is waiting to discover.

You are so much to explore!

Sky has no limit

2008-09-20T22:30:00.000-07:00

Some places have the exceptional beautiful sky. Whether it is clearly blue, unique form of clouds or the height that creates illuminative wide space. I didn’t realize this until I move on from Bandung, almost 4 years ago. Bandung sky is good, although it often is rather gloomy. But after the rain falls, it becomes a transparant white paper like and sunlight warms you up.

Banda Aceh sky is one of the greatest. Although it is accompanied by the hot striking sun and in the day time it is preferably to chill under the roof. But I never forget the time I went home after long hours at the office. The sky usually turn to a mix of orange, purple and pink. All bright. A lovely combination with its elegant green hills. It was always enjoyable to walk on the street, waiting for labi-labi to come, gaze at the sky and think about the warm house at the end of the day. And, nothing can beat the enthusiasm feeling before a hot date for the night. *wink wink*

One of the hypnoticious sky I have ever seen is Jayapura sky. And in general, Jayapura landscape is top of the pop. No one would ever deny this. The color is blue, vividly clear blue, and the clouds always paint a perfect picture. It is the same case with African sky. What captivated me is the height. Yup, although it is scientifically true that atmosphere forms a ball around the earth (that means equal), I can’t help but notice that Jayapura sky is higher than average. It seems the sky has no top boundaries and there is nothing between you and the universe.

It makes me gratefully glad. I can gaze to infinitely blue sky and dream almost about everything.

If the sky has no limit, why should you limit your dreams?

Picnic in the park

2008-09-17T10:06:00.000-07:00

We're gonna have a picnic in the park.

You, and me, and all the people we love.

We're gonna have ginger ale or temulawak or anything you like.

I will walk on the sidewalk and you will hold my hand.

We're gonna stop by the ice cream parlor and taste the rum raisin flavor.

You will see a decent house and dream we are the oma opa who had the tea.

I stop by at the window of pizza restaurant and pretend we order margerita.

You stop as well, and steal a kiss.

And this is what I mean about I like to dream big.

Looking at the same moon, connecting by the same wire.

2008-08-22T00:06:00.000-07:00

It was this morning on the u fm. The announcer interviewed her friend, and then played this song accordingly.
Ah, it was still 8 o’clock in the morning, and I was in a rush to go to the office. I put on a new dress an I thought the lyrics is quite cheezy. Yes, I have been through it all, and I believe I am so much stronger now. But the tears can’t help but showed.
…

We'll be wishing on the same star / Looking at the same moon
When you're thinking of me, baby / I'll be thinking of you
And no matter where I go /I will be there with you
Wishing on the same star / Lookin at the same moon

It's not really over / Baby, it will never be
Long as you keep me in your heart / I'll be there anywhere you are
And when you feel sad / Remember all the love we shared
And when you're feelin alone / Well, just look up in the sky
Oh, and baby, so will I
...

Wishing on a Same Star - Myra

I can not believe I will do this all over again *sob*

10 Commands

2008-08-20T21:59:00.000-07:00

10 most desirable items at the moments:

1. Juno handheld GPS from Trimble. Love the yellow, love the design and love how it fits in my hand purrfectly.
2. White Nintendo DS Light stuffed with sequels of Dinner Dash, all brain teaser and yoga games.
3. Newly two front teeth.
4. SIGMA 18-200mm lens with Optical Stabilizer for Canon. I’m drooling to wet to have this.
5. Simple clean and plain white t-shirt.
6. Pairs of long john, or, regarding my body size, should we name it short john?
7. Red Karrimor 35ltr ladies rucsack.
8. 5 star hotel voucher for strike 3 nights. Swimming pool facility is a must.
9. Sets of Wayang Kulit. Pandawa Lima preferably.
10. Another pre-honeymooners trip to exotic beaches.

Now, looking at the list above, no wonder if I would get stacks of white t-shirt for the birthday.
Although books, notebooks and cds are always welcome as well. Also Gundams, Doraemon thingy, and another pairs of Tevas.
Oh well, have a nice day.

Time Machine

2008-08-06T19:12:00.000-07:00

If Doraemon were kind enough to lend me his time machine, I would probably directly go to Nobita’s room and hopped on his drawer for the journey. And if Doraemon asked me which of my age I want to revisit, the first thing comes up in my mind is when I was 17.

Oh boy, as a teenage high school girl, life was simply wonderful. Nothing much to worry about, even on a physical appearance. I was more focus on my dream job as a graphic designer, so I did a lot of drawing and designing. Posters, album cover, t-shirt, anything that needed a little touch of art. As an addition music has always been a big part of my life, and in high school it was all about Napalm Death, Shelter, Bad Religion, Ramones (well, actually I still listen to them until now, punk music has strangely set a place in my heart), Biohazard, Mighty Mighty Bosstones, and a big, no, a HUGE fans of PAS band. I was pretty stand up for this matter, as I always mocked Backstreet as boys who got no dick. The good thing about being 17 years freak, I didn’t think too much about the things I wanted to do and the action I would take. For instance, if I like a guy, then I’d just fall for him. If I want to be a drummer, I‘d straightly set up a music band and played with tom tom. Yes, I did everything based on courage, curiosity and craving for experiences.

But along this journey I though about the year in my life when life was superb, then suddenly 27 popped up in mind. When I was 27, I must have said, life was a grant. It was the year I decided to leave my life in Bandung and start a new one in Banda Aceh. And I was pretty impressed that I was doing it in a good way. Great, actually. I’ve written down some of it here.

It was about one of the greatest job I’ve ever had. And nope, it was not graphic designer, my teenage life obsession. In short way, I do maps, and I never thought mapping could be this exciting. Or, maybe it was about the organization I worked for. In the name of humanity, wasn’t it very motivational? But really, one of the greatest moments at 27 aged was when I had to map all the houses in several villages affected by tsunami. Seeing all the smiles, friendly welcome and become a part of the community replaced all exhausted feeling after walking around the village all day long, under a hot striking sun. Oh yeah, I had my skin dark tanned.

After those long working hours outdoor, I got the chance to join one of the largest humanitarian organization and to my surprise, I have been holding on for more than one year on the position. Which means, yeah I love my job. I still do mapping, and such things, and in addition they flew me up to Africa.

It was about the warmest house I’ve ever had. You might have read it here.

It was about the wonderful landscape. The elegant greenish hill, the purple sky during sunset, the ever bluest and highest sky, the comfy modest village and of course one of the most beachscape I have experienced in my life. Growing up in a one of Indonesia big city, I have never been passionate about nature before. But living in this vivid beautiful city, and witnessing the view everyday, I am pretty sure that human can never live far from its mother nature.

It was about the challenge to live on my own. I went to Banda Aceh with no clues about relatives or friends who lived in the city, but through out the year I think I successfully add the list of contacts. I met great people there. To begin with, I met this inspirational lady who tagged me to write this long. My ex boss who taught me a lot, not only technical things at work, but also essential things in life. A big sista who never fails to counter my point of view and got me into a deep thinking. My soul mate and our running away from reality trips. And last but not least, my rock star as a partner to step together into our dreams. It is always good to know that you never walk alone.

Copycatting her I will write like this:
Alue Blang 3. Sunrise. Humanitarian world. Neusu. Bike riding. Lamsenia. East coast. West coast. Sanger. Ajun Jeumpit 18B. Cows. Sunset. Jasa Ayah. Woman in mission to Mozambique. Pop corn aka borondong. Lampuu beach. Lamno and its magnificent Grue Tee. Indomie + tea + sunset (again). Seubon Ayon village. Jl Langgar. Partner to talk about everything. Lueng Bata. Training in Bangkok. My rock star. And another struggle in Jakarta.
Oh boy, 27 has offered me so much in life.

From all of the post I have read, I conclude one thing. Moving out, no matter how comfortable your place right now was, has always been a turning point of life. It is one of the physical things that influence us emotionally. It is a good way to restart your life, change your identity as you want it to be and be a better you. As you stand up by yourself and putting back the past that shape you before. Not to forget it, but to filter it, bring along the positive vibe to the road ahead. Transform yourself into a massive shape.

Now dear Doraemon, if you kindly ask me which of the years, can I do a little correction? Probably I would love to go before 27. To start the transformation sooner.

Gravity and Fall

2008-08-01T05:19:00.000-07:00

Heart of Me - Carpark North

You always take the heart of me
and leave it there it stays to be
what is it for? do you want more?

it takes a while to grasp on to
the softness of a heart anew
what is it for? why did you wrong me?

in the bus I fall all the time
my feet give up and gravity is mine
I throw myselfn from anything that's tall
and fall

I want to live and learn to love
and you're the one I put above
but what is it for? could there be more?

in the bus I fall all the time
my feet give up and gravity is mine
I throw myself
from stairs and trains
from trees and planes
as long as I can fall

So, it would be a day with this song, played over and over again.
Or, it would be you, who come over and over again.
And I, would do nothing but fall over and over again.
I guess, gravity, and your charm, casted their spell on me, again.

Miles

2008-07-22T21:42:00.000-07:00

Can I say, I miss you?
Is the phrase outplaced or should be edited?
And, if I say this mouth of glass tasted similar with your mouth, will you think I’m insane?

And It’s always times like this I think of you and wonder if you ever think of me.
Do you remember the lines? Aha, we once sang the melody together, didn’t we?
I bet you know the lyrics that followed.
‘Cause everything’s so wrong, and I don’t belong living in your precious memories.

Ouch, this thousand miles is killing me. Although after thousand miles you’ll be home.
And I wish silently in my heart, that I would be a part of it.

Or, maybe a port would do.

This beautiful

2008-07-20T20:54:00.000-07:00

A left note from last holiday. Wrote down on my cell phone note feature and decided to share it with you.

Pulau Lengkuas, May 2008

The Belitung trip is almost over. Tomorrow we will packed our backpacks and leave the island behind.
He is lying down beside me while I’m sitting cross-legged and continuously staring at the endless turquoise ocean. The wind breeze is slowly caressing my over-tanned skin and I don’t even care if my hair is such a mess.
This is one of the idyllic scenes, too good to be true. A stunning place, a great companion and a constant uplifting mood. That’s why I want to ripped of the scene from the place, glue it onto my scrapbooks and take it with me whenever I go. A piece of something real as a grant of your dreams. A point of view of hope, sometimes in your life, your day can turn out to be this beautiful.

On the positive side

2008-07-07T19:52:00.000-07:00

I really am mesmerized by the way my friends jumped up in their path of life. Let’s say, me and Lioni were together at high school time. And who might guess one day Lioni had this opportunity to experience India? Or, I might go to Jayapura? Or a friend could have an adventure roaming around Java island?

Oh, I am really damn proud of what my friends are doing out there. Some of them stumble upon pebbles and amazingly stand up. Some of them reached over milestones in a rapid speed and some walked a little by little but get there in time. Some of them are always by my side physically and some are only bad and good news come and go. But, wherever they are, and whatever they are doing now, they have touched my heart and leave footprints in it. As I watched everyting that passing by in my life and trying hard to captured every moments, I smiled. Dearest fellas, you have been given such a never ending passion and nevertheless, inspiration. And quoting her on one of a ride home, looking at my self and mirroring to her side, she believes that many great things happen in life, and more to come. Oh, isn’t life great?

Elephants Walk

2008-06-25T03:27:00.000-07:00

Trip to Saree has always been fun. Saree is located up on the hill but from certain points of view, you can manage to see the sea. A good combination though, between green grasses of the hill, blue sky with some spot of white clouds, and ever calmest ocean. The road is curly and hilly. Lots of turning right and left, mixed with ups and downs. Yeah, similar with our life at certain stages.

First stop is Saree market. Here you can find all the good things. Various of chips wrapped up in clear plastic bags and lined up in the shelves kiosk, waiting for you to hand the seller 5000 for each. Fresh turnips are delivered from fertile ground, a bit tasteless but surely a crunchy healthy fruit. Not quite sure it can make your skin fairly white though. As if it matters anyways.

But, what I love the most about Saree trip is the elephants. Yup, if you go to Saree there is one big fat chance to see elephant walks down the street. Of course, it is accompanied by its master and sometimes vehicles to block the road. Of course the vehicles are more for the other street user rather than the elephants.

To see an elephant walk is such an inspiring experience. They are big (yes, I know they are elephants), bold and massive. They sophisticatedly step their feet and wiggle their muscles. The way their swing their hips from side to side is deliberate but obviously certain. I can see courage and confidence here. Seems like there is nothing can block them in the way. Nothing can fear them, but that doesn’t mean they are proud and loud. Look deeply into their eyes and you will see sincerity shine from them. A perfect combination to allure you to hop on their back or just walk by their side to experience their journey. An open invitation from their sexy charm.

It makes me think about us, human. Is there something in the way we walk? Do we walk proud or sheepishly take small steps? Are we comfortable with our given appearances? Or do we represent our true self in every touch with the ground? A silly question sometimes pops in my head, what is it in the way we walk that attracts people around us? Well, elephants, are you answering?

Confidence is the sexiest charm one can ever have.
And I, gladly been cast spel of it.

Will upload the pictures of elephant in Saree. For the time being, please enjoy the picture my little elephant, Lola. She doesn’t do a lot of walking and like to spend most her time for sleeping or playing hide and seek. Just like me.

The Sundays Inn

2008-06-19T23:10:00.000-07:00

It is located right in front of ever calmest blue turquoise sea. Coastline of Indonesia, of course, where in the world could you have such beautiful beachscape rather in Indonesia?
I usually wake up a little late and open the curtain that temporary hides the sunlight penetrating in. Then I fold my sarong while wait for the water in a kettle boiled up.
The good thing here is always a cup of tea, first thing in the morning. Or anywhere is. But it is marvelous here, because I can enjoy it on the porch while gazing at endless blue water. Sometimes a friend or a lover accompanies me with a light chit chat. Daily news paper or a book sometimes does as well.

where's the harm in voicing a doubt
you'll find me in the lavatory

The next good thing here is jumping into the water. You can do it all day. Even all night. That is if you are afraid of the sunburn. But why would you afraid of the sun anyway? The sun is the major source of living energy on earth. Everything evolves around the sun not the other way around.

so they rode out west to the seaside
and they gladly decided to stay
after two hours wandering outside
ooh the sea air drove them away, yeah

The best thing in the day is crawling back to your cribs and having short nap. Surely you are exhaustedly tired after a long day in the water. Besides, it gives you soothing effect that makes you nodding of easily.

and what is so wrong with voicing a doubt when I'm on my own
it's perfectly fine to sleep in a chair
from Monday 'til Saturday
and what is so wrong with talking out loud when I'm all alone

The best thing in the night is lying on your sarong on white sand and gazing at the sky. The vast pitch dark sky is a huge contrast to the stars. You can see them glowing, I mean really shine, in the night. Nope, not a single significant contribution from artificial lights here.

what's so wrong with reading my stars
when I'll be in the lavatory
and what is so wrong with counting the cars when I'm all alone

The next best things are the dream pop music they play, the couch in the living room, your room with a view, the breeze in the coconut trees, free flow of internet connection, the friendly hello, your flip flops, your swimsuit and the beer.

All the best are here, in the Sundays Inn.
Or in my vivid imagination.

you're not the only one that I know
and I'm too proud to talk to you anyway

You’re Not the Only One I Know – The Sundays

Stars in His Eyes

2008-06-13T01:18:00.000-07:00

Boy: “How do you know he loves you?”
Girl: “I just knew. He has stars in his eyes everytime he looks at me”
Boy: “I see.”
Girl: “I can not lie. You can see stars in my eyes if I am a bit too excited. About something. Or someone.”
Boy: “Yeah, I see it everytime you talk about works.”
Girl: “You did?”
Boy: “Yeah, it is obvious. And do you stars when I look at you?”
Girl: “No.”
Boy: “No?”
Girl: “I see a rainbow.”

My Present

2008-05-29T02:38:00.000-07:00

’m not good at picking gifts or throwing surprises for birthdays. So friends, short text messages or a big smile accompanying sentence “Happy Birthday!” were all you get. And please noted that it was the most sincere wishes from me. At birthday parties, I like to sing the song loud in different languages. People will think I am crazy but as usual I don’t care.
But I do care about you. Although I woke you up in the middle of the night, popped up in front of your door and instead of singing multilingual happy birthday, I gave you my big grin “Happy Birthday!” It was not that I don’t care because I forgot to buy candles and instead of birthday cake, I bought you donuts. And maybe you call me crazy because after we finished the donuts I sing happy birthday in Spain, Mandarin and Sundanese. Then fell asleep as soon as possible.

I don’t know. I couldn’t think of a better idea. And you might called me naïve and selfish because my idea of greatest birthday present is my presence.

Happy birthday, Lovey. You are my heaven berry, my tira-miss-u always, my sunset sun and my cup of hot tea first thing in the morning.

I want you in my window

2008-05-22T20:28:00.000-07:00

I want you in my window
I want your big blue dramatic sky and spotted of white clouds
I want your gradually purple-pinkish color at the end of the day
I want your family reunion atmosphere soflty hugged me and lullabying me until sleep
I want your twinnings blackcurrant tea accompanying me first thing in the morning
I want your weekend rendezvous in between coffeeshop hopping
I want your perfect mix of coffee befriended with spiderman cake
I want your ever so beautiful sunset in ever so beautiful beachscape
I want your cows crowding the street I need to walk on
I want your friendly hello shouted loud from all over the compound
I want you popped up in my computer screen asking me where I have been
I want you popped up in front of me, stand tall and still
I want your eyes looking at me directly without glass within
I want you in my window

Catatan kecil dari Banda Aceh

Supposedly Stupid

2008-05-21T21:05:00.000-07:00

Taken from old post:
When you slowly stroke my hair, and I unconsciously pretended nothing happened, I knew it. This was unregretful spontaneous things I want to have back then. And when we were facing each other, I knew it. This was the missing emotion I should have back then. The young adult woman’s feeling written literally in teenlits genre novels. So eager to explore and and not afraid to try anything. To fall gracefully in love and not ashamed to cry over a heartache.

Shoud I repeat the sentence once again?
To fall gracefully in love and not ashamed to cry over a heartache.

Ah, I’m so loving young adult fiction. But there are times and places for all those things. As of now, I should stick with what I have been going through. Starting each day with a smile, and be glad to overcome obstacles. Supposedly.

The Girl Who Fell in Love with the Sea

2008-05-01T19:57:00.000-07:00

So I’ve been too much in love with you. It has been giving me a sense of dizziness in my head. And everywhere I turn too, I search for the blue. Could it be in somebody’s eyes or in the color of afternoon sky? Should I look you up on the travel magazine or national geographic ocean edition?

I feel lost in the city. As the previous story, I just want to be by your side. Kiss you on your salty lips, and treasuring the way you caressing my skin. Feel the warmth of the sun above you, as I swing my body from side to side.

The trip have ensured the feeling in my heart. This could not have been a mistake, for loving you this big. Not a mistake at all, at the moment we met eye to eye, and you hugged me with your open arms. Oh, how I love the blue in you, as well as your orangish sun. And didn’t we have fun, doing nothing as we sit next to each other? Me and my blue stripes beach towel, you were all calm and chill. Talked nothing and quiet still. What was wrong here? It was the presence that simply matters.

I’ve been too much in love with you. Or, is it just as much as an infatuation?

Here

2008-04-24T09:20:00.000-07:00

And there's nowhere else I'd rather be.
To be hypnotized by its beauty.
Unless it is your eyes.
Or the shadow of your walk.

Carpenter Addict

2008-04-22T21:06:00.000-07:00

Long ago, and, oh so far away
I fell in love with you
Before the second show
Your guitar, it sounds so sweet and clear
But you're not really here
It's just the radio

Don't you remember you told me
You loved me baby?
You said you'd be coming back
This way again baby
Baby, baby, baby, baby, oh, baby
I love you, I really do

Loneliness is such a sad affair
And I can hardly wait
To be with you again
What to say, to make you come again?
Come back to me again
And play your sad guitar

Superstar – Sonic Youth OST Juno (cover version of Carpenter)

I’ve been madly in love with the Carpenters. Maybe simply because the melody and the spontaneous lyrics. Or maybe because the hairstyles. Will stuff the songs into my MP3 player, so I can listen to them over and over. Whenever I intend to or feel like echoing the rhythm in my brain. Anywhere is.
By the sea will be perfect. By your side, wouldn’t it be overrated?

*menghitung jam menuju garis pantai berikutnya

Anyone Else But You

2008-04-17T03:20:00.001-07:00

You're a part time lover and a full time friend
The monkey on you're back is the latest trend
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train
I kiss you all starry eyed, my body's swinging from side to side
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

You know I amazed by the scene when the girl grabbed her guitar and rode her bicycle along the road. The boy is ready with his guitar on his lap then they were playing the guitar while singing the song. Not perfectly, but beautifully still. You know I like the way they met at the porch and the sun is shining on the girl’s face. And you know I instantly smitten by the song. I know by the way you smiled, that you know her bicycle is the next thing on my wish list.

What you don’t know is, having my belly bloated up like the girl, is also in my wish list.
And another thing, there was another scene that amazed me.

The girl: “I think I’m in love with you. You're like... the coolest person I've ever met and you don't even have to try.
The boy: “I try really hard actually.”

Yup, I wish I had this kind of courage to come up to you and said it aimlessly like the girl did.
Instead of writing the words down on blog like this.

You are always trying to keep it real
I'm in love with how you feel
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you

Anyone Else But You – Moldy Peaches
OST Juno

Pen Pal

2008-04-02T21:32:00.000-07:00

Pen pals. Yup, I know nowadays people use email, facsimile and they even use their cell phones as their life partner for communicating. Not only short messages, but also love letters. Recently, I haven’t been doing any post mail activities except for work related, but I was a teenager on early nineties, so this post mail activities were part of my world back then. A big part. It was an on and off hobbies. Sometimes I have 10 pen pals at the same times, sometimes it was one or two pen pals that actively sending mails back and forth.

One of the most memorable one was Wawan. He was a guy from East Nusa Tenggara who did fencing, he was an athlete and worship rock music at the same time. That was our something in common. The music part, of course, back then I even could not run properly. We shared stories about music a whole lot. He liked Dream Theatre, while I craved for Bon Jovi. We both liked Nirvana. And we both hated Tommy J Pisa. And the list went countless.
It was really exciting, the way we shared stories. I didn’t have many male pen pals, and girls rarely understood Yngwie Malmsteen. So, I always waited for a letter from him. I waited for our next discussion about the happening rock band, as well as his juicy love stories. He had a girlfriend who lived in Jakarta, while I was hopelessly in love with my junior high school crush.

I remember, I always had this fantasy about visiting his town, meet him eye to eye and then we would go on and on talking about music industry or the next rock gigs we were craving to mosh in. Probably he would tell me that he had broken up with his girlfriend and I would still be that naïve girl who was too much in love with her classmate. Probably we could have been skipped the love department and back to our main passion: music.
It was the hellluva fourteen years a go. And today, I am standing in the land of his town which he always wrote stylishly as Qoe-Punk. I strolled along a street and looked at a name written on the sign: W.J. Lalamentik, then I remember this as a street I used to write on the front of the envelopes addressed to him. I try to track down on how I imagined the city would be. Was it the picture of dusty and grayish scenery? Or was it the beautiful shoreline and greenish lontar trees? Too bad, this probably written in bad sector memories. But the experienced I had today answered a little bit of my curiosity.

Of course it was too hard to track him back, even in his hometown. He might get married already, have three children and live outside of this town. But certainly I bear him in mind, physically from the picture he sent me. More ever, the content has been existing in my mind; the stories we shared and the dreams we had. I remember a girl who always wrote eagerly explained everything from her point of view. I memorize who I once was, and gratefully smiled to be the girl I am now.

Shifting

2008-03-31T04:13:00.000-07:00

By the sea, and so I am here. They say it is such a paradise. I was once in love with this land. Well, maybe I have been in love until now, but certainly based on different reasons. Let us have a little flash back.

2000, in the name of missing beach very much, I decided to have a single adventure. And it turned out that the trip was exhausting and the vacation became surf branded stuffs shopping spree. None of the adventure here. Not to mention light weight backpacking trip, my duffel bag was filled with billa bong, rip curls, souvenirs and all the things you don’t need in survival.

Had several chances to visit this land again and but still I had the same feeling. Yes, I had declared my self that I was a teenage beach girl and despite of jumping myself to the water, I kept my self dry. Not too tanned skin, and showed off with my best beach outfit, shorts and sleeveless tee. Of course with the brand printed big on them. And this land has it all. Look at the wide beach, the international crowd, the shops lined up in front and the clubs. I was in love and a little bit amazed of my self for having traveled this far. Probably it was similar with high school love. All those shiny stuffs. And I wore them proudly as I watched the sun set in. It was lovely.
2009, and look at me now. In the same land. And guess what I am doing now? Instead of showing off with big frame sunglasses, very short shorts, and tank top, I choose to be everyday me. Just a simple t-shirt, mid-length shorts and flip flops, dragged my laptop to the closest place where I can find wireless internet connection. I have been sending email, writing reports and editing some pictures in the vacation spot. I don’t feel like enjoying holiday today, silly me. At least, this is not the way I enjoy the shore line.

So, things have been changing considerately. Ouw, pardon me, this land is still the same old story. Your best destination for holiday, where it sucks out your money like vacuum cleaner in the name of tourism. But, I feel something inside of me is shifting. Funny thing is, I was not that much smitten with this land again. I don’t like the people, the crowd in the street and I feel intimidated by the surf stores popped up in every junctions. Surely strange, I didn’t know I have to let go.

As people come and go, and destination twisted, everything changes. We might be a better person for being back, now and then. It is not the matter of the place where we stay, but it is the matter of the place where we have been. So, this afternoon I was smiling while sit quietly, as if I was watching an ex boyfriend going away in his own path. A sincere let go of a precious thing in life.

I am staring away from my computer screen a little. And suddenly I am seeing an orangish scene. Oh boy, it must be the magical sun. She is settling in. So, in a minute I will turn off my computer and autistically do the thing I love the most. Watching the sun set in. I have been in love with this kind of activity. No matter how distant I have traveled or whoever I might meet up along the way.

As people come and go, destination twisted, and everything changes, there must something left to stay at the exact space. Constantly reside here and dissolving in my soul. The biggest part of me, at all times.

And how I wish you continuosly are, lover.

City Love

2008-03-26T20:07:00.000-07:00

I could fall in love for certain cities. I really do stupid things like that. Sometimes it is a love at first sight, and sometimes it goes like the romance in Meg Ryan movies. You know that kind of thing when boy meet girl, just friends, things happen, they hate each other, but separated made them realize that they need each other, and then there they go, kissing in front of the public in the airport. It happens between me and the city.

Let’s say, I am the girl. And the cities are boy.

The case between me and Kobe (of course this is not Kobe Bryan the handsome basketball player. And FYI I don’t fall in love for those types. Ah don’t you even care. ). Ok where was I? Yes, I fell in love with Kobe, love at first sight. The moment I step my foot on the train station and saw Panda posters all over wall, I felt the tickle. And then I went around the city. I hold my breath, and felt a bunch of warm feelings all over my heart. Physically, Kobe is perfect. Not too big (I am not into big guys), not too noisy (I lurve quiet guys), and most of all located by the sea (oh yes beach boys you all have had my heart). Iche, my friend who introduced Kobe to me, told me Kobe history. And it was overwhelming. The fact that, on 1995 Kobe hit by devastating earthquake, touched me in the heart. And looking at how strong and tall Kobe is standing now, was the moment that me realize that I was falling for the right guy. Knowing one can live through rough conditions is a guarantee that he is someone to rely on. Tough guy, turns me on.

And Meg Ryan story is what happening between me and this city. Just a second, it is too soon to reveal the name here.

The first time I look at him, ouw hell. What a mess he is. Bad boy, but not the type I can easily fell in love with. Noisy, too big with a bunch of crap. He is too loud as well. It is night time, and you can still him talking. But I have to be with him, let’s say for one year ahead, so be nice to each other please. At the first place, it was awful experiences he gave me. I didn’t feel save around him, and safety is the top of the things girl should get from a guy. So, how can’t I love him?

But time flies. As we strolled around together, he taught me many things, particularly about life. About being independent, struggling, believing in the path you’ve taken and about finding home in the heart of your closest fellas. About the safety thing, he taught me indirectly, that guys should always give girls safety feeling, but girls should be aware to her surrounding and not too dependent on guys. Well, it might be imprecise, but more or less it was the lesson I have learnt. And many more. In short, I am overwhelmed by the indirect way he guides me through life and how the two of us never gave up learning about each other.
And so, after a fight (yes we have it sometimes), I took days off outside town. But just like those romantic movies and cliché phrase: you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. Sort of. I gazed at the bus window and realized, I miss Jakarta so much.

And soon, there will be scene where he and I will be kissing in front of the public at the airport. Yes, I’m going away, but for the time being I don’t mind to go home to him.

On a ride

2008-03-19T06:14:00.000-07:00

I wanna go in a date. With my lover. He is tall and skinny. And he drives the vehicle so carefully. The way he manages to hold the gear is so attempting. So I manage to hold it too. And find his hand instead. He smiled. For a while he switches the object of his glance. A warm look, eye to eye. And without any words, I know exactly what’s in his mind. I didn’t say any words as well. Yup, Let’s holding hands, dear. It will make both of us stronger.

Miss Most

2008-03-04T02:26:00.001-08:00

I would like to pop him a question “what do you miss most about UK?” And there he stood questioning me back, “What do you miss most about Banda Aceh?”

Then I would probably go on blabbering…

Of course it was the most beautiful places on earth that can be visited when the weekend comes. Lampuu beach, you have my heart in every single bit of sand, every single unit of water and every single second of sunset.
I miss the coffee. It was the perfect combination of bitter, sweet, sour, foam, milky and micro crushed grainy coffee beans. The coffee shop is where everybody knows everybody. I like it when I enter the room, every head would turn to stare at me and I found stars in their eyes.
And the temporary compound set up in the boundary between Aceh Besar and Banda Aceh. You can see red and white literally painted on the wall and some of them are hung in the air. It was an internationally local place, your ticket to see the world. From this point I gained some strengths and a rush adrenaline in my blood to give my best.
Home, is another thing I miss. Not that I don’t have home. I do have one; maybe I carry it around everywhere. But, the home I took as a postal address in Banda Aceh is really really home. It was not a big mansion or a fancy two-room apartment. Instead, it was a decent house, located in the heart of the city and filled up with everyone who can share their contagious happiness. Ah, yes so I miss the time after 10 o’clock every night where we all gathered in the living room watching local TV show (so who needs cable when we had all the fun?) and laugh uncontrollably. I usually nodded my head of while reading a book or two. Oh my God, sesak di dada nih.

And after a while, I stare at him, touting my eyebrows, “hey, I did popped the question first. What do you miss most when you were in UK?”

Unbalance smile and stars in the eyes, “You.”

Happy … uhm… let’s do the math later… Monthniversarry. 4 March 2008.

Watery Wet

2008-02-03T20:04:00.000-08:00

My best friend Q, shouted out that morning while I was having a hot (note: it’s hot, hotter than warm) bath. “Dita!!! It’s snowing outside!!” Suddenly, I grabbed my towel, wrapped it around my body then ran out to the nearest window.

There. I saw white sprinkles are falling from the sky. And from the night before, they are already there. The roof, the trees, the yard, the bicycles parked on the street side, all covered by white soft icy blanket.
Then I can almost hear the soundtrack of Oshin as a background. Kidding.

Call me a ‘villager’ or whatsoever. I don’t care. For I’ve been mesmerized by the first snow falling on Tokyo this winter. I know, it’s not the first snow on earth, but it is the first snow experience in my life.

Then we went out. In a little hurry, but I couldn’t stop my self from shouting gladly. Yes, I was so happy until I forgot to feel the chilly weather. I walked around and I like the watery sound my feet made when they stepped on the ground. I fell in love with the sound of snow hitting my umbrella as well.

This nature phenomenon is magnificent for me. The water formed flakes and once fell in the corner of my lips. I licked it. Chilly, but somehow I like the taste. On top of all, I like to feel them exist on earth, allowed us to have almost all white scenery. It is no different than the picture I had in mind here.

So, it is snow. The same water we drink everyday. Fascinated, I remember the turquoise blue sea I love with all my heart in Lampuu. Also the light rain I watched from the window class back then when I was in college. The notorious bunch fell from the rock in the height as well. And the same kind we had in Jakarta this early month as flood. And as I recall as things longing by the people in Caia.

The Almighty must have been a genius yet an artistic one to create such a various beautiful form of water.
And aren’t we, humankind, grateful enough to have respect for it?

More pictures here.

Totemo Daisuki

2008-01-21T15:56:00.000-08:00

I love you for always be there at Sunday morning at 8 o’clock sharp.
You never miss one day, for more than 15 years.

I love you for always show your witty face and make a contagious happines for the people around you.
Especially me.

I love you for being unperfect.
Even a clever robot like you needs help sometimes.

I love you for making me keep on dreaming.
You are the creature from ‘someday’ and I know a lot is happening in ‘someday’.

I love you for teaching me to keep on trying.
Even sophisticated tools sent from the future don’t always make sure everything will run smoothly.

And I love you for letting me seeing you in your hometown.
See, you are the one who always convince me, dream on and make it happen.

Silently Beautiful Sun

2008-01-17T05:08:00.001-08:00

The sun.

I always fascinated by her appearance. She can be silently beautiful, and inspire me infinitely.
And in the land of the rising sun, I found her sneaking out to the horizon, and smile at me.
So I started the day with high enthusiastism. And although I found her rather mild in this region, saw her presence but could not feel her warmth, I do sense that she is still a friend of mine. Best friend of mine.

I wanna be like you, sun. Giving your shine and be the energy. Positively.

more of her picture

River Boys

2008-01-02T17:48:00.000-08:00

I bought the book Beach Boys, written by an India author and you will have to believe that I haven’t finished it until now. Phew, it was 5 months ago. Well, the story is not disappointing, but still I haven’t managed to read it until the last page. As usual, the cover gets me into it. The picture of three dark brown skin boys, they are jumping right into the water. As, M sometimes says, a good color combination blue and brown is.

In my last trip to Marante, Tana Toraja, I had a chance to capture those dark brown skin boys, happily played by the river. Naked and innocent, so eager and not afraid of the water. As a citizen girl, I’m kind of jealous of them. They were really free and happy as can be. Ripped of their clothes, hanged by the bridge and jump right into the river. Beside the loud sound of splashing water, you can still hear their notorious laughter.

A friend once said that I am a free soul. Well, had met those river boys, you should rethink again, dear friend. As you can see me and my beib, Henny, on the bridge, loosing our balance and afraid to fall.

Sometimes it is not good to loose your balance. But once you loose it, be brave to fall gracefully, get wet, and still release a good laugh. After all, you learn how to swim. And being watery soaked is not that bad.

More picture here

That is just the way he is

2007-12-01T21:27:00.000-08:00

The best. And he is still is.

Today, I texted him, wishing to be home by Friday night, together with him. The ride with him is always fun, accompanied by smooth melody of jazz or acoustic guitar. And stopping by between the trips adds more fun, for he is the real omnivore, can eat every food and magically enjoy them all. He also likes to spend some times on cups of coffee. Hazelnut Latte, his favorite. Or just bottles of mineral water and green tea, stocked up in the dashboard drawer of the vehicle.

Catching up stories with him also can be a great thing. I can learn a whole lotta thing from him. He is a professional in his career, have traveled to many countries and read amount of books. No wonder he can throw you million opinions and you would just stare at, overwhelmed. And his witty sense of humor, spice up our conversation, do silly things in the name of fun, and made me burst out in laughter.

So, I texted him. Although he is extremely busy, for having his life between cities, but he always manages to pick up my phone or reply my text message. Plus, he puts a picture of me on my graduation day as his mobile screen saver. Isn't he sweet?

Hey, can I join you for your weekend trip to Bandung?

An hour has passed. My cell phone still lay quietly on my office table. Oh, well, maybe he is on the fly mode or hasn’t rearranged any trip yet. Never mind.
Then suddenly my ring tone was in the air, his name flashed up on the screen and I picked up the phone. “Hello...”

And I didn’t hear any answer at all. But... that was his voice! I can hear his was explaining something in front of audience who sometimes asked questions. Didn’t know exactly what the topic is, but I guess it was about water and sanitation and such stuffs. Professional in this field, and will gladly share everything about it with everyone, that’s just the way he is. And, accidentally press the wrong button of his PDA, is just the way he is as well.

An hour later, he texted me, he wouldn’t go to Bandung today. Oh, well, it’s OK. I can go to Bandung by my self and let’s just meet in Bandung after haven’t met for more than a month. See you there. And he did it again; accidentally press the wrong button so I can rely on his lecture. This time I took the offer and tried to capture it.

After listening to his ‘lecture’ I hang up the phone and trying to concentrate on my maps. It was hard, because I kept thinking about him and has this heart suddenly wrapped around by imaginary blanket after listening to the lecture. I am proud, I really am.

Even though he presses the wrong button many times, but he is the best. And still is.

Love you, Pa.

A question you should ask yourself

2007-11-29T20:00:00.000-08:00

Am I happy?
And said sadly, I’m not. There you go, tears in my cheeks. How can I be happy? I have this accute syndrome of missing my life in Aceh. And somehow I have this dream of visiting another places. Maybe not only visiting, but trying to adjust my daily life there. I don’t want to live in a skycrapper apartments, where the inhabitants barely meet each other. Instead, I want to live in a small house in Seubon Ayon, where every afternoon I can play with the kids on the blocks. Ouch, how pathetic I am.

Am I reaching my dreams? Or am I stumbling behind? What is this path I’m stepping on? It is smooth as it can be, but I’m afraid to slip on it. Am I that happy girl she used to wonder about?

Then again, I quoted Allie from Taken:

Allie Keys: When everything in your life is right on track, it's easy to believe that things happen for a reason; it's easy to have faith. But when things start to go wrong then it's very hard to hold on to that faith. It's hard not to wonder whose reasons these things happen for.

The end of the year is close. New days are waiting to come. While most of my friends tag this line: “It’s time to move on.” I convince my self again and again, back and forth: It’s time to hang on.

Are you? Happy?

Gold in the Air of Summer

2007-11-19T21:55:00.000-08:00

So, I’ve been here for days. And I’m sure you want me to be with you. I can see it in your eyes. Those twinkles.And our workload, they are nothing to compare the joy when we share the laughters. Just like old friends who haven’t seeing each others for ages. Or maybe long lost brothers and sisters that used to eat from the same plate or clashed over candies.

I didn't know if you wanted to,
when I came to pick you up.
But you didn't even hesitate,
and now you and me are on our way.
I think I've brought everything we need,
so don't look back,
don't think of the other places you should have been
it's a good thing that you came along with me.

So, I will be back in town in couple of days. And I’m sure that’s the last thing you want to face. I can see it in your eyes. They can shed a tear even if you don’t want to.
Or let me just be. And please grab your guitar then sing the song for me. And I will keep the promise for you.

Gold in the air of summer,
you'll shine like gold in the air of summer.

Gold In the Air of Summer – KoC

Will surely keep the shine on

Innocently violent

2007-11-13T21:15:00.000-08:00

They say age is just a number, and the memories proof you are old. And I’m still recalling things you said to me. Or, maybe not said directly, you used your mouth mostly for other activities.

In the dim of dawn light, I found my self as a version of teenage high school girl. Or maybe a freshman from college who wake up next to you. Innocence, yet so brave to do mature things. And you are a stranger who wakes up next to me. Tall and strong, yet so fragile when we were this close. We’ve been here for few days, with not much particular things to do. But there’s nothing more I wanted to do with you anyway.

Days like this should be put in our past. When we didn’t know each other, and busy with our sticky life. When we were young and hot and live the life with full curiosity. We were not afraid to do things we want to do. We crossed the boundaries and do everything on experimental basis. I believe you were slightly skinnier and my eyes have a lot more twinkles. We probably have the same skin tone, back and now. But, damn how we are proud of our appearances now.

When you slowly stroke my hair, and I unconsciously pretended nothing happened, I knew it. This was unregretful spontaneous things I want to have back then. And when we were facing each other, I knew it. This was the missing emotion I should have back then. The young adult woman’s feeling written literally in teenlits genre novels. So eager to explore and and not afraid to try anything. To fall gracefully in love and not ashamed to cry over a heartache.

Taken from Taken

2007-10-29T19:20:00.000-07:00

There was one moment in my life, when I was busy with my bachelor degree final project. I could not go faraway, and decided to stays at home a lot. Then I found a refreshment. Well, kinda of. I watched a lot of movies. And there was this mini series, 7 episodes, about UFO and such things. I’m not into science fiction whatsoever, I’d rather stick to festival film about daily life and absurd love story. But this Steven Spielberg fascinated me, really.

It was Taken. And since I saw the mini series, I have this disbelief about ugly green creature with long arms and big black eyes. Probably 7 times two hours shows were all it takes to explain all that out of this world phenomenon. War of the World, another Spielberg movie about UFO, can not even compete Taken movie trailer.

But it is not the UFO that I really fond of. It was Allie. The little girl character in Taken, who used to write in her diary about her life. Very innocent, yet so mature to reflect her questionaires and wonder about it all.

Here, I quoted some of them from this site:

Allie Keys: Sometimes the best way to move into the unknown is to take familiar steps, small steps. To do ordinary things to deal with something that is in no way ordinary. We're always going someplace new, all the time. Familiar things just let us pretend that we aren't moving into unfamiliar territory. You take those small familiar steps, and you try to be honest, not to live as if nothing had changed but still to go on with your life. But there are times when what you need is a piece of how things used to be.

Oh, I love Taken. Not only for showing high tech visual effects, but for Allie's thoughtful diary that gives me insight. They howed me how to see this life from different point of view, and how things can be so differentiate.

Wish You Were Here Is Not Only Written in a Postcards

2007-10-20T18:16:00.000-07:00

Pulau Peucang, 20 October 2007

Dear Babe,
Have been missing you very much. I’m here, in such a paradise, with 8 boys, and they are nothing compare to you. Uhm, most of them are my old friends, and connecting with them was like opening an old diary. Names, places and memories sometimes pop up in my head.

If I’m not mistaken, we’ve been missing each other recently. I know there will be another session of running away from reality, only time will define. But, surely, I will do that again with you, babe. We are definitely a great team when it comes to the beach. We stuff our backpack with goggles, bikinis, mosquitoes repellent, mineral water, MP3 player + portable speaker, bigframe sunglasses, teabags and of course thousand stories of our rollercoaster life.

You are one of a rare kind that can enjoy the beach exactly the way I do. Some pepole can never enjoy the beach, they say beach is too hot and sticky and nothing challenging about it. Some people can enjoy it too much by diving into it and never mind the sunset. While the rest afraid of the sun and prefer to go to the mall instead.

I don’t know what is it with me and you and beach, babe. I love blue and beige color. So the sky, the water, and the sand are perfect combination. I also enjoy the freedom of minimalist outfit to wear. A plain t-shirt, short and flip flops, that’s all you have to wear to enjoy the place. Ouw, and you know I have started a set of bikinis collection.

My friend, Blinky, once said, that the best way to enjoy the beach is to sit in a distance, not too far so you still can enjoy the breeze and the scenery, accompanied by a bottle of cold beer. For me, the best part of summer holiday is when we have cups of tea or coffee, after all afternoon of swimming and getting our skin tanned. Our hearts are still warm because of the sunset. Seems like the sun gives its shine for us before it take a rest for a while. The quiet of the evening and the sounds of our laughter. The way we manage to reach the shoreline and proof that our dark skin is still exotically attempting. Surely, I will repeat it once more. Ah, this kind of missing you is too painful, babe.

Please remind me one day, if we are old and too busy with our family life, that this kind of escapade is willing to be taken again. We couldn’t run forever babe, but at least knowing that you are exist in the world, make me realize that I’m not the only person who’s in love with the sea and worship it like crazy. Together we are strong babe. Jalesveva jayamahe. Haha.

Still the question popped up in my head, what is it with you and me and the beach, Babe?

Love, as always,

Dita

That City

2007-09-05T03:28:00.000-07:00

Hey, buddy. Sorry for not around, but I know you wouldn’t expect me to be around either. I am away from the city once again, although this time is not that far. But, the good thing is, I am in that city. Yup, THAT CITY! Maybe, you will raise your eyebrow and ask “What city?” and I will smile. That city, babe. The place we’ve ever dreamed of. Because we think the beach and the largest prostitution place will crack us up. And then you might ask again, “Did we have a plan to visit it?” And I will smile again. That means yes. Probably you wouldn’t remember anyway. But on the flight I was thinking, wait a minute; I should be here with you. Yeah, we talked about this city as our next destination while we were on our East trip. That day, I wished so much to have it come true.

And it did come true. Only, we arrived in different time. I know you’ve been here on 2004. When I was trapped in our beloved city, which we left later. I can picture you here, busy with the workshop and shop souvenirs for your mom and girlfriend. While I have been spending my per diem like crazy, and wishing so much for you to be with me.

Having you as a traveler bud is such a pleasure. Well, there were times you kept quiet and wouldn’t let me involved in your activities then I would feel left alone. Poor me. I must have not standing on your way. You will be flying all the way to your dreams. As you always fill up your daily ife with them.

In life, you are riding TS motorcycle with all your might, ready to run and jump and hit the bumpy road or whatever the obstacles might be. You don’t need to look around, you know exactly your destination is. And time, is not the limit for you to get there.

And I? Well, maybe I prefer a bicycle instead. It can be a little fast, only need extra efforts. I bring my camera along, and sometimes stop a while for a snap. Yes, I am enjoying the scenery. Direction? Destination? Yes I know, but I want a joyride until I get there. Maybe it is the same point we’re trying to reach. But surely you arrive ahead before time, and I left steps behind. But, that doesn’t matter.

Knowing we are heading the same direction is a guarantee that I am on the right path anyway. Being here today, I take it as a sign that I on the right side.

Walk on Water

2007-08-21T00:52:00.000-07:00

Recently, I found my self grew a fond of something new. Well, it might have been exist for a long time, and I’ve already know it from the Introduction of Oceanography lecture. But when the time is finally arrived, and I eventually met it, eye to eye, I can’t help but falling in love all over.

Sand dune.
It is as beautiful as it is. Stretching in the middle of the strait, connecting blue turquoise water in between and made you feel like walk on water.
Yes, meeting you, eye to eye, and dare you to say the words, would be a walk on water.

Another thing is... The sand dune is temporary. It is only available at the time of low tide. Fling mode on. Nothing last forever. And the reality just hit me right there. Even such a beautiful thing like this, will be ripped of from us anyway.

The sand dune in you, a walk on water, and then an on and off mode. Reality Bites.

Picture of Karimun Jawa Islands.

Homesick, cause I no longer know where home is

2007-08-09T22:49:00.000-07:00

I’m totally lost here. Right in the middle of skycrapper jungle. I gotta find my way back to the shore. Whereas my ship is waiting, and it is gonna take me away. Somewhere.

Where the sky is blue and every rain has a rainbow at the end. Where people greets me with a warm big smile and a friendly hello. And when the time for party comes, they’ll be all high and cheers, without getting too drunk and ruin the show. We’re gonna be intentionally festive for all day and all night long. I will be invited, and asked for a dance or two, or sing a song or two or just running around with my big fat camera. We will be in my memories, in my memory card, in my hard disk memory capacity or printed and then glued onto my scrapbook.

Where I can lay down at the end of the day, feeling too zen to jump around. Where I have a comfort corner just to stuff information and knowledge into my overloaded little brain. Where there is a window to the world just to see there is nothing between me and the sky. Or the world itself.

Where everynight, I can sit on the porch and gaze at the vast pitch black sky, and all the twinkling stars will smile back at me. They are similar like good friends, you don’t where they are or what they do in the mean time, but you know they serioulsy exist. And you won’t find any words related with loneliness here.

Oh, help me, I’m so lost at the crossroad. All the lights are blinding and no street signs available. Lend me DGPS or something technically correct to find a home. Somewhere faraway or nearby. Where it is a place to long for and a family to share hugs and kisses. Where the sky is blue and the clouds are white and fluffy. Where I can hear the gentle sound of waves crushing into the sandy beach. Where a sunset will paint a perfect picture.

so I lose some sales
and my boss won't be happy
but there's only one thing on my mind
searching boxes underneath the counter
on a chance that on a tape I'd find

a song for
someone who needs somewhere
to long for

- Homesick – Kings of Convenince -

And of course, wherever I can feel your presence in every step and every beat.

Under the Medicine and Dreaming

2007-07-25T19:21:00.000-07:00

I can’t sleep well last night. What do you call it? Insomniac? Well, maybe I am in that state of it right now. This isn’t the first time. I have experienced similar nite before. Most of them were very tiring. Usually I keep on turning my back againt and the wall or vice versa. And I try so hard to keep my eyes closed. But, rarely it happens to me. They call me sleepyhead and I am a little proud of it.

Ah, my sleep weren’t as tight as before. Couple of nites ago I remember, I was sleeping on my bed with the lights and the radio on, then woke up at about 3 am. That edge of nite. And the song played in the radio was always Secret Garden by Bruce Springsteen. Along with Dorothy’s words echoed softly in the air,
“... I love him Laurel, I love him... I love him for the man he wants to be and I love him for the man he almost is”
That melodius lyrics and the strange feeling I have in my heart. The slide show of you and shadows of your walk. The voice of your laughters and the distance between us.
And then Mr. Cruise or Mr. Maguire replied,
“You... complete... me...”

I nodded my head off. But last night, without the songs, my eyes were wide awake. I tried to read London Short Stories because the little font and that bloody accent sometimes get me down. I’m under the medicine and still I can’t sleep. While sometimes wo cups of coffee don’t affect me.

Ah, have I had my heart broken again?

She'll lead you down a path
There'll be tenderness in the air
She'll let you come just far enough
So you know she's really there
She'll look at you and smile
And her eyes will say
She's got a secret garden
Where everything you want
Where everything you need
Will always stay
A million miles away

- Secret Garden (OST Jerry Maguire) – Bruce Springsteen -

A Happy Ending Demanding

2007-07-24T05:28:00.000-07:00

For once in my life, I just want to be there.
Right in the heart of children section. I know, a fancy book store, that everytime I look at the back covers of their books, my hand will put it back on the shelves. Yup, I've seen the price tag. Regretfully.
Although I am not that wealthy enough to purchase all of their books (beside, there's no point of doing that), but I can still enjoy the services, can't I?
Because, for once in my life, I just want to be there. Surrounded by colorful books. Sitting on a comfy not too puffy carpet. And in the bliss of enjoying the sound from children running around noises. Taking books one by one from the shelves, put it on my lap and do the aaahhh-ohhhh-ahhhhh (please, do not take this as making out session) while gazing at the illustrations. Hilarious and heartwarming stories, all at once. That will set the stars in my eyes, and paint a full smile in my face.
For once in my life, I just want to be there. With you.

Not a happy ending, though.
I've come to realise. Not every happy ending stories have a heartwarming moral. And not every heartwarming stories have a happy ending.

Ahhh.. don't we all, human, want them both?

Heavy Feet

2007-07-18T19:05:00.000-07:00

Now, how can you leave such a beautiful place like this?
Well, is it the only thing to be grateful about? Said sadly, I could not list many things. Maybe that's the reason I have to step my feet again. This time it is not even lighter. My self, my body and my soul are torn apart to pieces. I came to pick up things left, and can not manage to bring it all. You know exactly what part would be left again.

Yup, home is where the heart is.

Tutorial

2007-07-16T22:57:00.000-07:00

Well, maybe this is a certificate to let me open an official kissing lesson ;)

You're an Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity
You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off
And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave
When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

A Letter for a Friend

2007-06-07T02:22:00.000-07:00

Hello, Heartache. It’s been a long time since we’ve been together. That’s why I write you this letter. Last November you were with me for our quality time. Had insomniac night, bulimic our self until my pants size get smaller, and wandered in the lonely streets of the town. Maybe it was not the best time of our life, but I must say I learn a lot from it. A lot than I could handle.

You taught me how to be patience, Heartache. You showed me how emotion can trigger some of physical symptoms and how we can physically suffer from our emotionally intentions. It is the thing I remember the most. I begin to familiarize my self with a thing called sadness and tears without teardrop. I still remember, how we were together in the night, the clock was ticking very slowly while you and I sit next to each other, counting every minutes before sunrise. Sometimes I was very afraid to have you near me, so I chose another companion. And you just sorted everything out, creating a new friend list. It is how sweet of you, heartache, to show me companions.

People say they do crazy things for love, ouw, hello? Don’t you realize the hidden power in you, heartache? Yup, you are the wheel of insanity action and powerful effort. And no matter how hard I tried to reach for love, in the end I know, I was helpless. And then you showed how to pray, and the magic of our beliefs. Aha! You made me believe that Up Above, He has been listening for all this time. But still, you were surprised when I show you that yoga could bring the wave of joy over you. Funny, indeed.

I said goodbye to you on the airport. I moved. Not very far, Heartache. But I have to go on. Not only to find that I can stand on my own, but in general I decided to fight for life for a while, give up on love. And voila! I realize that it is the one that fight for me. Sorry, dear friend, it is not that I don’t need you, but I really don’t want to take advantage of you anymore. Enough is enough, Heartache.

And now as I am writing this letter to you, I smiled. I said hello, not to invite you over to my place (I know you hate traveling), but just to let you that I am fine and Ok, here. And more or less to say, I wouldn’t been here if it wasn’t because of you. You were one of those killer teachers, for giving me such a difficult and hard lesson. But you know I would survive, as I did. Within the short period of test, you labeled me as your remarkable student. So, thank you, Heartache.

Regards,

Dita A.
November 2006

Amphidromic Point

2007-05-11T00:55:00.000-07:00

Last night we talked about tide. Yup, the one I learn back then at college. Proudly to say, the professor gave me an A. And I explained happily and unstoppable about how moon and earth attract each other and resulting the movement of water mass in the world. The force is greater as the distance becomes closer. You need parties here, the moon and the earth. How they evolve around each other, lighten by the sun and become one universe. At some point and some time we have flood tide or ebb tide. And at some extreme points, there are neap tide and spring tide. Ah, you don’t want to know the details here. Although, I will explain it with a great excitement if you ask. My pleasure.
This is interesting, ya? The idea of the earth and the moon attract each other gave me a wishful thinking. This is analogically how we affect each other. I touched someone and he reached for mine and together we create a universe. Altogether with twinkling stars and softy doff orange sun. I don’t mind if you correct me, because the sun is a star after all.
Aaahh... science is always fascinating me. Overwhelmed by its certainty, which constructed a map in mind. Head over heels by its way of logically thinking and how it just won’t tolerate emotionally behavior. See? Even science hasn’t discovered a label for this kind of sickness yet. But, someday science might reveal what we had for so long.

For example, this map of amphidromic point of tides. They have exist since the first beginning of the earth rotation, although this model was discovered long after that.

...
Someday, baby. Someday when the distance is closer, and the force is greater, our brain will do the math, and our heart will answer each other's questions. And we will smile gratefully about the what we've been through. And we won't sing this song with joy, because at least we understand the first sentence. *smile to you*

How tides control the sea, and what becomes of me
How little things can slip out of your hands
How often people change, no two remain the same
Why things don't always turn out as you plan

Things I Don't Understand - Coldplay