Comparative Study on 2010

Cimaja, 1st January 2011
Right. The new year day.

Last year, on the new year eve, right in the 6th floor of a dorm room in insignificant town called Karsluhe, I managed to compose a long summary note of 2009. Some people commented that the note was earthy, positive and beautiful. Thank you, for the compliments. This year, seriously, I don’t know what to write in terms of quality. But I have to force my self anyway, new year’s not only good for throwing fireworks, it’s also a good point to do some rewind.

Okay right, 2010. What’s on 2010? It’s kinda hard to make a review of 2010 without comparing it with 2009. If I haven’t live my life the way I was in 2009, maybe I would say 2010 was just another year, full with ups and downs, tide and ebb. People fell in and out of love, moved in and out of town or hang on. But in 2010 I doubted everything that life has offered me. Beforehand, I have had the year full of hard works vs. parties, grounded doing homework vs. intense traveling during holiday, breaking up vs. making up, and all that. Then it’s not overrated to say that for the upcoming year, I want the best in life as I don’t opt for mediocre one. But hey ladies, you better be watch out for over expectations.

Immediately after I finished my student life and a little trip where I fell in love with Ghent in the early 2010, I returned home and ready to face the world with such energy. Then what’s next? Nothing but a stagnant life led to a constant boredom. I’m ready to take a big leap, move somewhere far, being in an emergency, but hey chill out girl. Let’s just stay home, eat home made food and have plenty of sleep. Go get yourself a husband or wife then you can enjoy life even more. Or might be a house and a fancy car. And right there, I fell apart. I miss my 2009.

I said that 2009 was the year of learning, then supposedly in the year of 2010 I get the degree with flying marks and live happily ever after. Get a decent job that pays me well, or get married as an option. But life is designed with surprisingly twisted ending and so in 2010 I ended up with so many questions about life.

Why didn’t Billy Corgan play Cherub Rock for encore? Why on earth that I am home but can’t do what I want to do? Why the South-East Asian backpacking trip only last 3 weeks while it should have been 3 months!? Why UNEP of Kenya didn’t send me any news after the interview? Why, I declared my self as a super-tropical girl but then I miss the snow? Why Jakarta sucks but surprisingly I feel home in it? Why do I love Ron Weasley? Why do people go crazy Red and White over football and I was mooned over One Day? Why do people break people’s heart? Why aren’t you here with me tonight?

I wish there were some kind of life professor who I can turn to each time these questions pop up in my head. Or at least (s)he can give me a list of references which I can refer to. Or download and save it in my gadget, then feel save with having it though never read it anyway. Oh pardon, this scholar’s habit in me.

So I strolled days of the year, wondered and sometimes frown. Thinking back 2010, I was reunited again with people in my inner circle. Family, ten of us, the girls, elementary school mates, high-school buddies, ex-boyfriends, ex co-workers and people that have been wondering, where in the world am I? Crossing path again with them chained me up to the ground. Sharing laughter with them didn’t directly solve my problem, but surely charged me up bit by bit and realize that we are human after all. Human being that sometimes wants to do so much but God limits and in the end we can just sit back and enjoy the show.

The questions left unanswered, but as the year approached to an end I’m trying to walk the walk with chin up. I decided to have faith on my self and the life ahead in 2011. I believe in a good will. Additionally, good things which always turn to an end are indeed making an enter way to another good things. And as New Radicals said, someday we’ll know, someday I’ll know the answer of these questions with or without having to take PhD course.

And for those of you whose hearts have been badly broken and beaten up in 2010, don’t worry. I’ve been there, in and out, back and forth and I have learnt that heart grows. Even bigger, even stronger.
Welcome to the year 2011.

Note: The picture above was sunset at Halong Bay, not Cimaja. Hanoi trips was one of the few best moments of 2010.

To a sunrise

I woke up at dawn this morning, unconsiously checking messages in my cellphone. Then I remember the obituary last night.

On my bed, with my eyes open and the room was still dark, I thought of you. Or more of me. Particularly when I said “I’ll make it up to you.” The promise that easier said than done, because we’re human and we always race with time.

It stroke me hard. Apparently, I don’t have all the time in the world. Then I’d rather blame this spacious world. It takes time to get me to your side. And money. And all the efforts to move this lazy bum.

I never managed to make it up to you. I didn’t try hard enough though. Part of me hesitated, are you worth the effort? Do you really want me to make it up to you?

Alone, it gets me to a deeper thinking. I do really want to make it up to you. Doesn’t matter how many times you let it down. Doesn’t matter you appear and dissappear without logic. You should be the one called by Rainbow, because rainbow doesn’t always come out after the rain. Unlike sunrise, it never fails to show after the dark night. Ah, for someone who’s been calling me the Rainbow nickname, I should beat the lazy ass.

The morning crawled in, I crawled back to bed under my fleece blanket. The noise from the nearby mosque broke in the silent. You missed the sunrise today. But I bet, where you are now is sunrise all the time.

Whose date didn't show up.

She has already woken up before her alarm rang, how rare is that. Exactly 7 o’clock the alarm beeped as she was stepping out out from the shower, followed by the smell of her conditioner all over the room. Immediately she hit the ‘off’ button. Her hair was still damp as she put on her black underwear. Most of the time she wears black underwear, but this pair is special, the lacy one but not racy. Or a lot racy, maybe she needed that way.

She browsed through her wardrobe. Feeling a bit flashy today, she put on her creme dress. It is a bit too short though, but she loves showing off her legs. Badminton does it good. And there’s nothing wrong to show off some skin, isn’t it?

She looked at herself at the mirror. Okay, what to do with the face. Nothing. She learn the hardway that guys does not need inches of make up to fall in love with. But of course, for protection and treatment, she applied daycream, sun screen and a sheer of loose powder in neutral color. Hmm, let’s do something about the eyes an lips later. Later in the day, when the time is very near.

Now, the shoes. The vinyl black medium-high wedges, or the creme flats? She tried the flats first then changed to the wedges. Then finally decided to wear the flats. Height is not her signature, so no need to try hard on this one.

She grabbed her bag on the fly then off to the office, where she hardly sat still on her seat and kept on checking on her mobile. Of course, she was too distracted to think rocket science that day. But time flies, some tasks were done and let’s just put things aside for Monday morning to begin the week with. She checked on her watch it was 6 pm already and her heart beat a bit faster.

She stopped in the toilet, bursting out make-up kits from her purse. Soft purple eyeshadows were applied, mascara was spread over her lashes and pinkish blush on were dubbed into her cheekbones. She put on her blue star earrings and took a last look. Hair was ok, everything was great, beside she couldn’t take off the smile of her face.

The Germany restaurant is their favorite dining place. She loves the creamy mushroom soup and the local brewery produced the best beers in town. She sat alone and ordered the usual menu. Accross from her table was two white men talked in enthusiast about business. She didn’t pay attention at all, mostly she swept her eyes over the room, looking for a sign of someone’s present. And of course she kept on checking on her mobile again which unfortunately seemed to be disturbingly quiet. Many times, she starred at it, just to make it ring or beep as a sign that the message is coming.

Two hours have passed. The delicious light meal was finished and the smile from her face has vanished. She was fiddling with her mobile, as if she blamed the equipment of its disfunction. She didn’t dare to lift up her head, she felt ugly and didn’t want the whole world to she her in such situation. A pretty girl eating out alone, even without a book or magazine in hands. There must be something really bad going on. Beside, one of the white men kept starring at her, she can tell that he must be feeling sorry for her.

She gulped down her beer. Gosh, how she felt like she should be really drunk right now. The world doesn’t seem to understand it’s been a long awaiting and how she has dressed up for such an occassion. Such a guy.

Finally, she wrapped up her bag, took out her purse and waved to waiters, asking for the bill. Shortly the waiter arrived and handed her a paper. Her meal expense. Then, he handed her another note, and told her giggly that the note came from that guy. He appointed one of the white men accross her table. She looked at him in surprise while the guy intensely starred at her with a confident smile. The written on the paper was: ‘+628111111 Max. You look very beautiful.’

She smiled back. Took out money from her wallet, paid the bills and wrote down on the same note: ‘Thank you. But I didn’t dress up for you.’

She walked to her flat and crashed into bed with a beaten heart. For once in life she now knows how it feels.

Note on my summer sailing camp

Enschede, 29 June 2009

Yesterday I went sailing at Friesland. We strolled along in the canals and roaming around the lake with our rented boats. Got my skin tanned in just about the right amount (will work on that later), and my Cities I’ve Visited map pinned with another favorite spot.

But today I feel sad. Not because yesterday was not fun or today is less fun. But just now I realized that I am so far from the things that I want to do. Well, maybe not all of my dreams, but some of them. I have just realized about things I wanna do forever. For instances, I like floating in the water on my back and watching the blue sky. I also like wearing less clothes, not because I want to be sexy (I don’t think sexyness judged by the way we dress), but because I feel energetic with more of my skin exposed. And right now, I’m enjoying the feeling of in love without being attached. It is so liberating.

While washing the dishes, I was thinking about all those things. Everything I love, lead to one highlight: freedom. I never understand why people wants to lean on and at the same time recognized my self as a weak figure. Been trying to put my feet in their shoes but I failed at times. I don’t know how to balance my steps, so I guess I’ll decide to fly. Or float. Or sail. Or stay. Or both.

On Packing

Enschede, sometimes in March.

This morning I went up to my room and empty my fridge. Found a cup of straciatella yoghurt and decided to keep it for the night. It is expired though, but as usual I don't care. Yoghurt is rotten milk anyway. Last night I packed up all the things and gave away things to everybody. It is always nice to see our stuffs become useful for someone else. I did a magic call for a friend. It turned out he was very happy for inheriting old school testament, free food, free party stuffs, and the most important is stack of origami papers. We wrapped up things with beers and chips and south East Asian little party.

The first round of packing was done.

Today I woke up in a not-so-strange room and had trouble finding my toiletries in too many cardboard boxes around me. I went to university feeling a lot sleepy, but by five managed to finish the tasks for today. Then I wrapped up things and go home, had too-sweet fried noodle and immediately fell asleep.

Looking all around me, every where are cardboard boxes and semi-packed stuffs. My room mate had a terrible hang over from last night and the smooth snore is all over the room.

I have so many stuffs and looking at the two big overloaded trash bag, I can not believe how many craps and useless things I've been keeping in my room all this time. Shoe boxes, plastic forks, water bottles, shirt I never dare to wear, two size bigger pants, paper, paper, and more papers. I feel uneasy throwing them, but once I decided to get them into the trash bag, they disappear from my life. I feel relieved.

Maybe my life is similarly like that. I have too many junks crowded in. And most of the time I wish that I can easily throw them in a trash bag. Because I believe I’m better if I focus on goals and important issues. But oh how I often curse my complicated mind. And how I wish now to efficiently packing my self.

Go away bad things. Shooh shooh.

The XXs

Readers are free to mix and match the paragraphs. Just make sure you do the numbers correctly.

[1] My ex boyfriend came to my town. After four years of separation without any news exchange, the universe conspired to make us meet. Physically. He texted me all of sudden, said that he was in town. A happy surprises it was though I reluctantly replied. He a bit insisted to arrange a rendezvous and the next thing was, I sat quietly in the couch of his hotel lobby.


[2] He said I look no different than the girl he dated four years ago. I took it as an insult. I wore the same kind of ripped-off t-shirt, the same over worn denim pants and exactly the same flip flops. I amazed that I didn’t dress my self up to impress him. On the other hand, he didn’t look any different either, though I managed to lock up the words in my mouth. He was still lean and tall, with his pale skin and the quizzical light in his eyes.

[2] He said I look different and I raised one of my eyebrows. He smiled and I took it as a compliment. I was sure I did not dress up, but the plain white t-shirt was enough to impress him. I guess somewhere I forget when, I heard he likes me in white. We shook hands and I can not take my eyes off of him. He looks slightly more mature though he was still the same lean and tall that I used to date. His eyes were twinkling, still.


[3] He took me, or rather I took him to a dinner in a Chinese restaurant. He enjoyed the food so much, he managed to finish them off while I eat just enough and desperately seeking for beers. Unlucky me, no beers in this Chinese restaurant. And of course we talked. A lot to cache up but we slowly chatted about general stuffs like what are we doing, and how are the friends we had back then.

[3] He took me, or rather I took him to an Italian restaurant. He said that was the best spaghetti aglio ‘olio he ever had and I bet he hasn’t taste mine. We ordered red wine though I convinced him that wine makes me sleepy. And of course we had talked. I was a little bit chatty, blame the wine. Mostly he smiled and made funny comments.


[4] Then the big questions were popped up. Are you seeing someone now? He showed me a golden ring wrapped in his left finger and I instantly rephrase my answer. I’m seeing someone now, but it’s not a long term relationship yet. Who’s the lucky guy? You don’t want to know and he kept his mouth shut about this matter.

[4] Then the big questions popped up. Are you seeing someone now? I showed him the golden ring sweetly wrapped my finger, “I’m engaged!” as I said excitedly. A little too much. He smiled oh so wide and examined the ring. I didn’t see any rings on any of his fingers and I was too afraid to ask further. He looked deeply into my eyes and I know the night shouldn’t be bothered by the question.


[5] As soon as he finished his dinner, he took me back to his hotel, and this time he directly guided me to his room. I sat on the edge of his bed, not sure what I want to do. I forced my self to watch the tv which aired some craps as usual while he was watching me. After sometimes he sat beside me and kissed my cheek. I sit silently still then he took it as a cue to kiss another part of my body. I kissed back.

[5] We skipped the coffee and get a cab. On the backseat we sat side by side, trying hard to act casual. He hugged my shoulders and I found comfort. The taxi went directly to his hotel, and we went directly into his room. He turned on the tv and we watched a documentary about Madagascar monkey. Next, the penguin. We were so into it and I didn’t realize he stroked my hair lightly. When I turned away from the tv I met his eyes. We kissed.


[6] One thing led to another and the next thing was I sat comfortably in the back seat of the taxi. Right after I arrived home, I hit the shower.

[6] One thing led to another and the next thing was I woke up in the morning next to him. And just like that we got together again.

…

Watch things on VCRs, with me and talk about big love
I think we're superstars, you say you think we are the best thing


VCR – the XX

Piercing Hanoi

Hanoi today, 19 May 2010. We were picked up by #vn guy and his mate who then took us for a pho dinner. Pho has always been my favorite dishes even before I went to the original country. So, having the big white fat rice noodle by sitting in kindergarten-like chairs on the sidewalk, at fairly cheap price but taste at the very best, it was simply heaven. #Vn guy offered a cup of cold tea in a plastic cup, which turned out to be black color drink tasted extremely bitter. I said thank you, but thank you. I didn’t bother to remember the name because I’m sure I’m not gonna order it again. He said the drink was good to give me a good sleep and we all laughed when I said it is not for a sleepyhead person like me.



After that he took us along 1 meter narrow alley, up to the fourth floor of a decent coffee shop then enjoy the scenery from above. Something that is not written in any of the guide books. The view was amazing, Hoan Kiem lake from above along with its colorful ball-shaped lamps, the giant clock on the post office building which Vietnamese refer as their Big Ben, the old colonial buildings around us, and the illumination light from motorcycles traffic below. All of them, plus the silhouette of the young couple who made out obviously in front of us. Right. But we let it be something funny and as usual laughed it out loud.

The coffee kicks strong, and so was he. Not literally, but strong enough to fly me back thousand miles and exactly one year a go, to the days we noticed each other for the first time. Days when we were riding our bikes side by side and fooled around, crowding in our activities with sports, pictures hunting or just simply standing on my balcony. He smoked cigarette religiously while I was doing most of the talking.

Just like general of the Vietnamese, no offense, his English is not perfect. That’s why most of the time I was the talk-active being and he speaks with his eyes. I tried to read his body language, but I guess Vietnamese wasn’t built with extra expressions. With these limitations, I dared my self to read signs from his eyes.

From my eyes, #vn guy is a symbol of Asian simplicity, utterly humble yet profoundly stands on his beliefs and very well matured by his role as a father. He looks quiet and seems to think a lot. Even he has this funny tone of saying “No,” as if he thinks ten times before saying the objection. Very rare he explicitly tells a tale of his life though once it was revealed, I guess it is something to be proud of. After one year of separation, I took a look at him. Nothing changed. He is still the same decent and modest man who stole a piece of my heart. This time, I generously gave another piece.

He showed us around his over populated town. It stroke me that I wasn’t alone with him here, obviously there are more than 6.5 people in Hanoi and I silently assumed that the amount of motorcycles is at least half of it. The houses were built on small patched of land with many storey due to the awfully high rate of the land price, the third most expensive rate after New York and Tokyo. Then I silently assumed that he must have been working hard for a piece of land in outskirt of the town.

I confessed that I love the city. There’s something about the lively city. Hanoi is far from systematic and well-organized city, but it has its own charms. The freely flagging yellow communist logo on red background, bubbling streets, cozy lake and high pitch noises from motorcycle horns are parts of its signature. As an addition, the gastronomic experience is south-east asia culinairy at its best and the coffee is black, thick, bitter and kicks strong. Three sips of it are enough to made me high and all smiley. And this October, Hanoi will celebrate its 1000 anniversary and we enjoyed the festive atmosphere. Hanoi looks that old, but contented with its high spirits vibrant.

As the night was slowly vanishing at very late, I confessed that I love the city and was happy.


But I didn’t confess that it was possibly him who made the difference.
I silently assume that he read it from the light of my eyes.