Young Adult Friction

So I back in this old place again, the place where I’ve spent more than hundred thousand nights. It feels so good now, like a simple reunion. I wish I have a decent table for doing computer or paper works, but the desk have moved since ten years ago because it only collected dust. As a replacement, more and more shelves were inserted here. The book collection is obviously growing and I feel happy thinking of it.

I re-read again my favorite books. A bit of guilty feeling is creeping inside since I know that there are still stacks of books that I haven’t finished reading. But then I can’t help it. I long to be glued to a book, and with too many books published these days, it is hard to find one that sticks to hands.

Today I decided to turn again the pages of Summer Sister by Judy Blume. And yes, in sitting of 3 hours, I have re-read one third of it. I stop now, I was trying to catch my breath when Vix, the main character of the book, is having her seventeenth birthday bash. She celebrated it in the beach, along with Caitlin, her bestfriend, or so-called summer sister, and their boyfriends. Warning, spoiler.

They were young, free, reckless and glowing. I can feel the sensation of skin against skin and the overflowing of sunshine. The heart that might skip a beat and the intention to go all the way, without hesitation. Ah, when did I have that kind of sensation? Was it a long time a go? Do I still remember? I went dizzy.

But then I remember the feeling I have had when I was reading this part for the first time. Although I was not a teenager, but I was so envied by the adventures. I remember, I made a mental note not to grow old very soon and gulp the sensation again.

This time I also made a mental note, clearly written with a mixed opinion from my brain, that this is only a young adult fiction. This only happens in young adult life or fiction. Might be strange, might be overwhelming, but this time let me go for a real thing.


 

"...youre taking toffee with your vicodin
something sweet to forget about him..."

Young Adult Friction - Pains Being Pure at Heart

Summer Rain

I flied over thousand miles and skipped spring. I said goodbye to less than 5 degrees temperature with cool breeze and trace of snow then just daydreaming about blooming magnolia. Where I am now, it is 100% summer with over 30 degrees and sticky air. As an addition, sometimes during the day, rain falls like the earth is having shower to wash away the dirtiest dirt. Great, summer rain. No, it’s not summer rain, it’s just rain, typical tropical rain. 

That sort of rain reminds me of summer rain last year. Ah, that was truly a summer rain. Big raindrops, a bit cold and lasted all day. I enjoyed it from the big windows of my room, watching the water poured quickly, a bit disappointed because I had to cancelled a lot of my plans. Though I had trustable umbrella, raincoat and waterproof boots, but some of the activities have to be let go.  

Strangely somehow, I cherished it, the rainy summer days. And if I was too tired to go anywhere I silently wish it was raining. I made a cup of hot chocolate, add few baileys and tuned in to my ‘rain’ play list. The list contains ‘Rainy days and Mondays’ of Carpenters, ‘When I’m thinking about you’ of the Sundays, ‘Gravity’ of Bic Runga, randomly jazzy tunes I downloaded, and many more. Seduced by the chilly weather, the stomach always is more active. Luckily, the excellent chef was next door. He managed to serve suitable food for rainy days, like steamboat, green curry paste, and various soups that I don’t know the name but remember the yummy taste very well.

It’s funny how I remember summer days by the pouring rain. Of course I tried not too waste the chance to have fun under the sun. Many times during week days we went to the outdoor swimming pool and jumped around using the trampoline or had picnics in the park. In week ends we had barbeque parties by the lake and played in the water. I had a two days escapade and collapsed because it was steaming hot in the east Europe. And my favorite part is, sailing in the snaky rivers of Sneek. Oh, what a summer!

But still it’s funny how now I reminisce summer by rainy days where I did nothing but doing activities in my room. I guess it is the nature of me, don’t you think so? Despite all the excitement, I usually remember the most tough times and how I survive them, staying alive, healthy and happy. Sometimes it is hellish or depressing, and sometimes the constant boredom what kills me. But Hole said Live Through This and I believe that. Often the not-so-good moments become the bad memories sector of my brain and are erased unconsciously. Then, of course, the great thing stays, just like antibody. A remedy inside of me, give me verve and strength to carry on. To live through any moments, no matter worse or unbearable. Because there is sunshine after the rain, or even the rain it self is such a beautiful moment of our life. 

Living on a jetlag

It’s been five days and the jetlag doesn’t want to go away yet. Deep sigh. I gulped down coffee after coffee during the day and beer after beer during the night. Unfortunately, due to the traffic in the house, I have been woken up in the morning. Most of the time, it is too early before I could catch 8 hours sleep to call it enough rest.

            Usually I try to be on bed around 12 at night. That is my normal bed time and generally I could not stay awake until 10 minutes after I hit the pillow. But during the jetlag period, after one hour I find my eyes are still wide awake then I try to read a book. After 30 minutes I put down the book and try to close my eyes. Instead of drifting into a sleep, my rapid eye movement is still on a high rate and my thoughts are wandering so furious. Typically, all of the things I worry about pop up and I would try my best not to sob.

            Then I decided to get up. Sometimes I have supper and water after water and try to sleep again. Sometimes I try to read books again or turning on my laptop and play that stupid computer games. Most of the times I feel a bit relieved for just staying awake and admitting that I am still on a jetlag.

            Tonight I find my self under the influence of different bedtime. I have been doing all the rituals, reading, playing games or just laying on a bed. The difference is, tonight I feel contented. I don’t know why. When I noticed that everybody was fast asleep while I was busy with my jetlag night ritual, I feel safe and happier. Strangely, I find a solace with the darkness all around me and a comfort in a night rhythm, buzzing sound from the fridge, the surprisingly loud tick tock from the old wooden clock, the mechanical movement noise of my brother’s cheap fan and the voice inside my head.

            FYI, my boyfriend is visiting, and he is taking over my room while I moved to my brother’s room. Accordingly, all the rooms in the house are occupied and I am loosing my individual spaces. New Order might label it, a place to call my own. Normally, I never mind this. I am certainly not a solitaire person. Though I might be close to selfish, but my life is too often oriented to the people. I like moving from one person to another and am not easily disturbed by the busy crowd. But these strange times I gladly enjoy my own company during the jetlag hours. Just doing what I want to do, without someone’s spying on me, more ever make comments and ruin my day by giving me a cranky mood.

            A western lifestyle has bizarrely built an individual human-being inside me, a strong one. And this one seems braver, sharper and more demanding at the same time. I suspect this is a consequence of being exposed big to the variety of people. And also due to the fact that I have been missing the people here too much. The days of the month have been tough as well, circumstances changed and mood swings uncontrollably. Maybe, just a maybe, no matter how hard I missed the lovely people here, what I often miss the most is my self. Me as my own company.

The cute mug with a little cow inside

I gulped my lady grey tea slowly. Nice. First cup of tea in the morning always raise the curtains from my eyes.
Ah, but this is Sunday, no hurry at all. No assignments to go for a while, and no exam perking up on the schedule. At least, for the week ahead. I plug in the internet cable and wandering aimlessly in the cyber world. Found out the it is unsurprisingly quiet out there. In the need of some music, I tuned in to the Sundays radio. Listening to Wild Horses and Leave This City. Couldn't get any better.
I gulped the tea again then looked at my newly purchased mug. It is a medium big (how come medium be big?) in blue color with a big cow hand-painted on one side. What I like the most is, there is a little cow statue inside. (s)he is peeking up and at the moment is being drawn by the orangish brown transparent tea water.
There was this stupid game on facebook where I join sisters community and fight against other girls. Until now I don't know exactly why I joined them and although I sometimes don't touch it for long while, but I keep coming back again. Sometimes, I play the game, choose lame boyfriends and buy shiny clothes that I would not wear in my real life. In this unreal life, I have a jet plane and more than 25 high heels. It is less fun than my real life though, where I only own two old bikes, one pair of boots and countless sneakers and flip flops. And of course the real boyfriend here is not a boxer nor have a tattoo, but we can laugh and talk and dream and that all counts.
I gulped down the lady grey tea, the little cow inside the mug is not drowning anymore and largely smile at me. How cute. I looked at the big cow on the front side and incidentally came across the words written just above the cow's back. Holland.
It hurts right here.


What if I don't want the cow mugs as souvenirs?
What if, I want my life in this country back?
Can you please come home like, soonish?

2009 – I was a kaleidoscope

This year, I’ve been enrolled in a master course of an institute, so that made me a full-time college student. Period. My life happened between classes, assignments, exams, coffee breaks, journal readings and involved a lot of computer operations. We, students, literally have been spending our life in front of the computer screens almost more than 12 hours a day, and that means half of our student’s life. I try to have a life by squeezing in parties, music concerts, bar hopping, traveling and as normal people do in life, watch movies and read books.


Being a student, my main duty is to learn and report. And with extremely tight deadlines, I worked long hours, digested everything super fast, and the reports mostly came from spinal cord. Crazy, but I have wanted for so long to be here today, so why bother. Complain department is not exist in my student life, but we have life support formed as brilliant lecturers who made the digesting process in doable time, friends who are closer than families and a lot of love even came from strangers.


So, that’s basically is 2009 for me. Of course, many people come and go, numerous new places have been visited and enormous little things made me smile and frown. I really could not wrap up this year yet by fireworks, champagne, prost high in the air altogether with “Happy New Year” shouted out loud, as I’m still in the midst of a big work until the end of February next year. But alright, let’s take a day off, pop up the champagne cork and cheers. Say a prayer and contemplate, even just a little.

As mentioned before, for me 2009 is a year of learning. In 2009 I learn how to read and write, not just a blog but also something more serious like professional report and scientific writings. I learn how to cook, not just putting something in a microwave, but mixing ingredients to create something not too tasteless. I learn how live with sufficient money and made ends meet. I learn how to dress fashionably without showing too much skin. Sometimes face is the only skin to show off, just make it complete with a sincere smile painted on it. I learn how to take pictures with heart, not just get the camera functioning. But most of all, I learn how to love.

I learn how to love whatever the weather. I love the sunshine since a long time ago, so this year I learn how to love a day without it. I learn how to love beginning of spring when the weather is still a bit chilly, but with the smell of magnolia in the air, who would not love it? I learn to love autumn, when it is just cold and colder everyday, but with orange and yellow color of falling leaves, who would not love it? I learn to love winter, when it is just dull and literally hard to breath with sub-zero temperature, but with all white beautiful falling snow from the sky, who would not love it?


I learn how to love people. People with diverse skin colors and culture, their point of view and their flaws. I learn their ritual and their food, and as if it is matter, their biological clock. I am amazed by how our path crossed each other in 2009, and even more overwhelmed that we have to go our separate ways. Still, I love how people inspire me, in any forms. Writings, songs, books, e-mails, blog posts, a pillow talk, long and endless conversation over coffee or by only 140 characters twit.
And by all means, my greatest learning of 2009, is how I learn to love God. And that is, require a whole book or might be series to describe it. So, just keep it aside for now.



I can’t wait for 2010. I think I might fed up with student life and itch to go back to be an organizations’ slave or maybe self-employ my self. I don’t know yet. Let it be unsolved mysteries and let 2010 brings surprise answers. I am not in the mood of making any new years resolutions as well. But one certain thing is, I want to keep on learning in the upcoming years, whether I am a college student or not. Whether I am granted a degree or not.
Life is one big institution, and we are sure here to learn.

Behind and in front, that counts

Last night, a friend emerged into my room and rapidly talked about his new lens. A humongous telelens, but it doesn’t work with his brand new flashy DSLR camera. He wanted to test the lens with my DSLR. I handed him the camera body then he attached the lenses. Nope. Sorry, my friend, it doesn’t work as well with mine. Instantly he thought and uttered that he was going to find another camera body to match his lens. He needed for his bird watching activity. I shrugged and said to him that I would love to have one but as of now I have to be satisfied with my semi-wide lens kit which I love to a bit. We did a bit of talk about digital camera, especially DSLR because he seemly doesn’t tolerate pocket camera. Then off he went.

Alone in my room, I look at my baby, Canon 350D. I caressed it slightly. She’s been with me since… uhm, 2007? Yes, exactly. Well, it was bought in mid 2006, but since 2007 we’ve been traveling intensively.

She’s been working very hard, I must say. Sometimes she doesn’t mind the weather and many times she was very close to ocean. One place that I know is not very good for her health. She’s been switching countries and most of the time has to adjust vigorously to the climate. I took a closer look, she seems to be old. In fact she is old, even the manufacturer decided to stop producing the model.

Do I need to change her for something new? The conversation with me and my friend flashed back. As I recall, I don’t really need new features although the LCD screen is a bit small for mw though. I caressed her black body again. That time I realized I love her so much. It feels like realizing how much you love your best friend and how great she is. I don’t care what others have as gadget buddies, as long as me and my 350D get together well and productively captured every moments of our life. I think we’re gonna stick continuously. There are always scenes to discover through my eyes and her view finder. Changing partner is not necessary because this world is so much to explore.

This is an old scratch written in my traveler journal. Inspired by a talented lady who never gives up on photography regarding the obstacles. That's what I called learning. For me, it is what is behind and in front of camera that count :) And thanks to her, me and my baby will shout to the world even louder through a surprise birthday present from her. Love it to a bit!

Question of Fate

He placed a mat on the floor and all of sudden grabed the candle by the window. The candle was put on top of the table beside the mat. He looked at her and grinned, “I’m going to do my prayer.” She stared away from the book she was reading with the go-ahead look. He was going to do his prayer in his own way, as he is a buddhis, and considered himself as a lousy one. Or maybe a good one, how can she be sure. No clue for this difference practice.

The praying ritual begins with placing his forehead on the mat and then he sat on his legs. It is similar with sujud in moslem praying then istisqa. His small fingers were folded nicely on his lap and he closed his eyes. She continued to read the book, but couldn’t help noticing the notion.

That night, as she watched him praying and she was reading Rumi’s poem silently, she felt like all the candles he lighted in the room were brighter than usual. She felt like there was a chanted music playing in the room, although he has already turned off his iTunes volume. A bliss, something soothing as if her heart wrapped around by her brown polar blanket. The joy being in a little piece of diversity and united at the same time.

She could imagine, her mom would cry a river if she dared to say “Mom, I have a new and he believes in different religion than us.” And she knows exactly the reaction of the big family. The golden-girl aunties most probably would put her in a corner and preach her for days until she have enough and eventually change her mind. She never thought would cross this line somehow, as she always plays in the safe zone, never had an idea to do the twist plot, not even a bend.

But this time she couldn’t help it.

He looks so cute when he prays.