Forgiveness

That every single moment in our life left emotional bruises or maybe scars in our cells. They eventually are healed and invisible, but you can feel they exist. And you think you have shaken them off, washed the wound and moved on with life. But sometimes the tiny particles remains and you have been dragging the guilt all around.
I have never realized this until I unconsciously checked my facebook timeline. He has just changed his cover photo. I don’t remember what the picture it used to be, but now his page has this banner where in the picture he was playing in an endless puddle of mud with a piece of board. Looking all playful and cute.
Then my brain suddenly worked in a speed mode. My cells yearn and I have this vivid memory of me and him again. I wasn’t there bracing the mud with him. That day I believe I was busy climbing mountain with my bulky differential GPS and we were miles away. During those times, we also had a burden in connection. My cellphone worked on roaming so I had limited a call reception and of course clumsy him, his cellphone fell of the muddy water. But that time, we were together.
Even almost three years since our moment has passed, the feelings remains. It seems like the muscles of my heart vibrated. Affection, attachment, longing, sharing, our mutual fondness to each other and many more. All these sweetness eventually were tangled in distance, confusion, rejection, hurts and a world apart. We ended up in a different path.
I always thought that it will be best to keep the memory alive. Sure. And I can live on with these things, because like it or not, they are a part of me and shaped who I am today. Of course I am proudly shout I have over him. Over over over him. I have fallen in and out love many times after afterward, and if you ask me would I want him back? I would utter NO without thinking twice.
But why do the feelings linger? Why does the hurt still hurts, and the sweetness makes me smile? Can I keep my self neutral or ratherly flat towards him? I am a girl with many emotions, let me be alive with my past. No?
I let go a heavy sigh. I guess, no matter how strong I am or at least I want to be, I need to do something about my past. Something brainwash and the like, remember Lacuna.inc? The universe conspire me to practice forgiveness and I am fumbling back and forth on this. What should I do to forgive him? I thought I already did.
I checked on his facebook banner once again. He or whoever wants to join, can play forever in a puddle of mud. Because though it is dirty, it is still fun anyway. But I guess not me, and  it is not because I don’t like playing with dirt. But this time, I’m gonna grab my scrub body wash and striped towel then take a long deep thoroughly hot shower instead.

counting the days

This is what winter is all about.

“Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.”  ~Rumi