Your reason for living is your reason for leaving

This is a recycle piece that I wrote for my best buddy project: 52wednesday of Lioni Beatrix. Check the blog out, it's a nice participatory project where you will find that you are not alone.


It’s been months. I confessed that I’m fine, slowly getting there. Getting to the zone where there is only me, and never you. And I thought I was doing it great. But out of the blue, I woke up to a disturbing dream. Of course, it was always about you, and never about me. The dream crept in between the morning haze and the weight of my eyelids. And the weight of you on my shoulders which I realized never had been lifted.
In the dream, it was early in the morning. The autumn sky was grey and the air was a bit chilly. But under the duvet, I can feel the warmth of your skin and the crispy sound of the bedsheet. I woke up next to you, in my blue halter neck t-shirt on and you were in your blue short. We were too sleepy to open our eyes, but I noticed that I was content. Was too happy that I woke up to someone so familiar, so close. You put on your glasses and I hug you loosely. I love you so much, my heart wants to explode. Then I kissed your cheek. I guess I stayed that way for a minute or two. I can still remember the softness of your face, the cold against my lips and my cheeks. And oh, the smell of skin, a scent of baby bath soap, I inhaled a little too much. You did not moved an inch and utterly quiet, as usual.


We made out, under the dim light of the dawn. Soft butterly kisses and tingles were everywhere. We responded slowly and exhaled the air with sighs.  Suddenly, you shouted at me. Your voice was high in the air, ‘We should stop this, our deadline is very near. In August we have to submit our report.’ Then I watched you getting dress in speed and off to work. I was still in my blue halter neck t-shirt with my sleepy eyes. I sit sheepishly at our full size bed, tugging my cold feet under the blanket. I stare at the door and empty space where you tied the strings of your field boots and left off. What’s wrong with you?

In the day, this is not a dream, I managed to gather some concentration and worked on some job applications. Those blohdy long forms I have to fill in with flowery words.  Some questions make no sense but I need to rewrite the answers. Again and again.
Position: Project Officer. From: May 2009 – March 2010. Duty:  Supporting program manager in delivering goals, taking part in community participation, and assissting monitoring and evaluation manager in collecting data. Achievements: Successfully engaged in writing the first term of project proposal, taking lead in community participation, engaged community in the program and delivered the report in timely manner. Reasons for leaving:

What was your reason for leaving? I left the white box still in blank. Empty and hollow.  

White Lies

Back then I used to make banana-strawberry smoothies for breakfast and stored them in his big tall Grolsch glass. He put them in the balcony since it was colder there than in the fridge. We started to move out things from the fridge to the balcony. Chickens, fruits, veggies, my straciatella yoghurt, and mostly beers. The room did not become more spacious, but we enjoyed having the big freezer outside. Once in a while we opened the door just to feel the chillin’ breeze. I wrapped my self tighter in my red fleece blanket and yelled out half-laughing ‘Close the door, you’re killling me!’ He was reaching out for a chicken which is too far and the balcony floor was slippery . Shortly he fell flat on his butt. I laughed out loud completely and let my body slip out of the red fleece blanket.

We always stayed until late. Until too late. I love the quiet of the night while watching the falling snow. It was such a bliss to see my tiny world covered in a white blanket. All white and nothing else. ‘Look look! It’s the snow truck, it sprinkles salt onto the street.’ Again, we went out to the balcony without our winter jackets  on and felt the winter breeze. Very much refreshing and I wish I had pink blushes on both of my cheeks. ‘I wanna be a snowtruck driver!’ He did not respond as if affraid to loose his balance if he open his mouth. ‘I think being a snowtruck driver is very humanist.’

Though the snow finally melts down and surely I am happy for extra sunshine, but I guess the memory of winter never fades away. The entire memory of him also stays, but to my preference, I would love to keep him as a part of my winter scenes.  Only.

This time again

So, this time again. We met again.

It’s been several years. As usual, you popped up in front me, out of nowhere. Then we made an appoinment somewhere in the middle of our hectic life.

We’re aging. You with your mohawk-wannabe haircut and me with my unusual long hair temporary permed. I poked your beer belly and you politely mentioned that mine is nothing compared to yours. I don’t mind.

Of course we managed to be alone. Just the two of us, embracing what can be done in such a short time. I inhaled your pheromones like crazy and noticed that you can’t take your eyes off of me.

We confessed that it’s wonderful to see each other again. I must say I’m happy, in a very precious way I can imagine. It is still the first two months of the year and I didn’t expect to be with you this soon.

We’ve been moving in a subtle way, careful and reckless at the same time. Realizing that we are not teenager again, and this is not young adult fiction scenes we’re playing parts in. But I must say I am happy, and high and bareboned crazy and everything. ‘Cause I like being with you, sharing breakfast, stroling the street with my hand in your hand, watching people and even more doing nothing with you. It’s been a great time we had, where we are a lover to each others. Personal and confidential.

And to have you in a zero distance is such a priviledge. I like the curve of your arms, the texture of your skin, the bright stars in your eyes and even more your big laughters shouted loud to my ears. And man, you don’t know how much you captivated me with the way you walk, the way you talk. I guess there’s no single thing about you that I don’t like.

But this time again, I think I prefer something to call my own.

Man in mission

Imagine each line pop up in your e-mail according to the dates.You are on board now in a new mission. Starting now.
01/07/09 Mission #1: Enroll to an Dutch institute called ITC under the major of Applied Earth Sciences.
14/09/09 Mission #2: Hang around in the lobby of your dormitory. Wear your short, pretend it’s not that cold.
19/09/09 Mission #3: Pay attention to the lectures, you need to study hard at the very beginning.
23/09/09Mission #4: Find target. A girl named Dita. Small, middle length hair, turqoise blue blackpack with a bumblebee transformer keychain. She’s enrolled in a former badge than you. 
24/09/09 Mission #5: During coffee break time, sit with the target, sip your coffee religiously. Give compliment on her bumblebee keychain.
05/10/09 Mission #6: Attend the party at the dorm lounge, bring your DSLR camera. Spot target, stand nearby, show off your photography talent a bit. Offer her a bottle of Grolsch, then, ask her to dance with you.
07/10/09 Mission #7: Send one of the best pictures of her to her official e-mail.
08/10/09 Mission #8: She wants to copy the whole pictures, make an appointment, let her come to your room. At the very last minute, tell her you are busy and drop by at her room.
12/11/09 Mission #9: Organize an autumn photo hunting with her and her bestfriends.
14/11/09 Mission #10: Repeat Mission #7 and #8. Say yes when she invites you to drink tea at the end of the day.
17/11/09 Mission #11: Cook fried rice and do the eggs in sunny side up, invite her to dinner.
23/11/09 Mission #12: Sit with her during coffee break, ask her about earthquake and feel amazed.
03/11/09 Mission #13: Ask her to help you on your individual project about earthquake damage assessment.
05/11/09 Mission #14: Repeat Mission #11, but cook something traditional and vegetarian.
08/11/09 Mission #15: Cook her dinner more frequently.
21/11/09 Mission #16: Attend the christmas party, celebrate your individual project remarkable mark. Offer her bottles of Grolsch. Dance with her, stay all night with her. Don’t let her go home alone. Kiss her.
23/11/09 Mission #17: Organize a ski christmas holiday at Alpen with her. Have fun with the snow and always warm her.
01/01/10 Mission #18: Spend everyday with her – onward.
02/01/10 Mission #19: Spend everynight with her - onward.
17/01/10 Mission #20: Ask her to go to Paul MacCartney concert. Hug her tight during “Calico’s Sky”
20/01/10 Mission #21: Bear with her mood swing. Thesis’s been giving her a lot of pressure.
01/02/10 Mission #22: Always attend her presentation and give compliments.
02/02/10 Mission #23: Help her on the writing but don’t over critize her.
03/02/10 Mission #24: Be her shoulder to cry on
04/02/10 Mission #25: Do the weekly swimming at Aquadrome with her.
01/03/10 Mission #26: Repeat Mission #
2405/03/10 Mission #27: Celebrate an intimate graduation party for her. Feel happy but at one point look her in the eye and seriously utter “I’ll miss you.”
07/03/10 Mission #28: Help her on packing. Sweep off her so-called origami artwork and tell her you’ll keep them.
09/03/10 Mission #29: Organize a trip to Prague with her, feel like you don’t want to let her go.
01/04/10 Mission #29: Drop her at the airport. Hug her tight and kiss her short.
02/04/10 Mission #30: Text her everyday. Call her every other day. All about the lonely days in NL and how you miss her desperately.
05/04/10 Mission #31: Send her picture of cherry blossom. Write about love artistically.
01/05/10 Mission #31: Send her e-mail everyweek. Write about missing her artistically.
02/05/10 Mission #32: Encourage her to adjust with her new environment.
17/05/10 Mission #33: Reduce the call frequency.
18/05/10 Mission #34: Occasionally write blog about LDR sucks.
07/06/10 Mission #35: Tell her that summer is not fun to be spent alone.12/06/10 
Mission #36: Tell her that you are busy with group assignment.
19/07/10 Mission #37: Ask her opinion about your thesis topic options.23/07/10 Mission #38: Tell her you are busy with thesis proposal.
18/08/10 Mission #38: Drop a line that there was a new student who remind you of her
20/08/10 Mission #39: Organize a meeting point halfway. According to your thesis fieldwork, it is Vietnam.
08/09/10 Mission #40: Enjoy the sunset at Halong Bay with her.
10/09/10 Mission #41: Be very quiet at your last day in Vietnam.
01/10/10 Mission #42: Reduce the long distance call further.
21/10/10 Mission #43: Post a picture of you and a girl in the party.
01/11/10 Mission #44: Stop sharing. But tell her you miss her.
03/11/10 Mission #45: Occasionally leave the phone unanswered when you see her name beeping on your mobile.
30/12/10 Last mission: Let a girl answer her call with strong chinesse accent with this line: “You can not speak to him anymore. I am his girlfriend now.”
Congratulations, your mission is accomplished.


Regards,
International Agency of Heartbreakers

Comparative Study on 2010

Cimaja, 1st January 2011
Right. The new year day.

Last year, on the new year eve, right in the 6th floor of a dorm room in insignificant town called Karsluhe, I managed to compose a long summary note of 2009. Some people commented that the note was earthy, positive and beautiful. Thank you, for the compliments. This year, seriously, I don’t know what to write in terms of quality. But I have to force my self anyway, new year’s not only good for throwing fireworks, it’s also a good point to do some rewind.

Okay right, 2010. What’s on 2010? It’s kinda hard to make a review of 2010 without comparing it with 2009. If I haven’t live my life the way I was in 2009, maybe I would say 2010 was just another year, full with ups and downs, tide and ebb. People fell in and out of love, moved in and out of town or hang on. But in 2010 I doubted everything that life has offered me. Beforehand, I have had the year full of hard works vs. parties, grounded doing homework vs. intense traveling during holiday, breaking up vs. making up, and all that. Then it’s not overrated to say that for the upcoming year, I want the best in life as I don’t opt for mediocre one. But hey ladies, you better be watch out for over expectations.

Immediately after I finished my student life and a little trip where I fell in love with Ghent in the early 2010, I returned home and ready to face the world with such energy. Then what’s next? Nothing but a stagnant life led to a constant boredom. I’m ready to take a big leap, move somewhere far, being in an emergency, but hey chill out girl. Let’s just stay home, eat home made food and have plenty of sleep. Go get yourself a husband or wife then you can enjoy life even more. Or might be a house and a fancy car. And right there, I fell apart. I miss my 2009.

I said that 2009 was the year of learning, then supposedly in the year of 2010 I get the degree with flying marks and live happily ever after. Get a decent job that pays me well, or get married as an option. But life is designed with surprisingly twisted ending and so in 2010 I ended up with so many questions about life.

Why didn’t Billy Corgan play Cherub Rock for encore? Why on earth that I am home but can’t do what I want to do? Why the South-East Asian backpacking trip only last 3 weeks while it should have been 3 months!? Why UNEP of Kenya didn’t send me any news after the interview? Why, I declared my self as a super-tropical girl but then I miss the snow? Why Jakarta sucks but surprisingly I feel home in it? Why do I love Ron Weasley? Why do people go crazy Red and White over football and I was mooned over One Day? Why do people break people’s heart? Why aren’t you here with me tonight?

I wish there were some kind of life professor who I can turn to each time these questions pop up in my head. Or at least (s)he can give me a list of references which I can refer to. Or download and save it in my gadget, then feel save with having it though never read it anyway. Oh pardon, this scholar’s habit in me.

So I strolled days of the year, wondered and sometimes frown. Thinking back 2010, I was reunited again with people in my inner circle. Family, ten of us, the girls, elementary school mates, high-school buddies, ex-boyfriends, ex co-workers and people that have been wondering, where in the world am I? Crossing path again with them chained me up to the ground. Sharing laughter with them didn’t directly solve my problem, but surely charged me up bit by bit and realize that we are human after all. Human being that sometimes wants to do so much but God limits and in the end we can just sit back and enjoy the show.

The questions left unanswered, but as the year approached to an end I’m trying to walk the walk with chin up. I decided to have faith on my self and the life ahead in 2011. I believe in a good will. Additionally, good things which always turn to an end are indeed making an enter way to another good things. And as New Radicals said, someday we’ll know, someday I’ll know the answer of these questions with or without having to take PhD course.

And for those of you whose hearts have been badly broken and beaten up in 2010, don’t worry. I’ve been there, in and out, back and forth and I have learnt that heart grows. Even bigger, even stronger.
Welcome to the year 2011.

Note: The picture above was sunset at Halong Bay, not Cimaja. Hanoi trips was one of the few best moments of 2010.