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Your reason for living is your reason for leaving

This is a recycle piece that I wrote for my best buddy project: 52wednesday of Lioni Beatrix. Check the blog out, it's a nice participatory project where you will find that you are not alone.


It’s been months. I confessed that I’m fine, slowly getting there. Getting to the zone where there is only me, and never you. And I thought I was doing it great. But out of the blue, I woke up to a disturbing dream. Of course, it was always about you, and never about me. The dream crept in between the morning haze and the weight of my eyelids. And the weight of you on my shoulders which I realized never had been lifted.
In the dream, it was early in the morning. The autumn sky was grey and the air was a bit chilly. But under the duvet, I can feel the warmth of your skin and the crispy sound of the bedsheet. I woke up next to you, in my blue halter neck t-shirt on and you were in your blue short. We were too sleepy to open our eyes, but I noticed that I was content. Was too happy that I woke u…

White Lies

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Back then I used to make banana-strawberry smoothies for breakfast and stored them in his big tall Grolsch glass. He put them in the balcony since it was colder there than in the fridge. We started to move out things from the fridge to the balcony. Chickens, fruits, veggies, my straciatella yoghurt, and mostly beers. The room did not become more spacious, but we enjoyed having the big freezer outside. Once in a while we opened the door just to feel the chillin’ breeze. I wrapped my self tighter in my red fleece blanket and yelled out half-laughing ‘Close the door, you’re killling me!’ He was reaching out for a chicken which is too far and the balcony floor was slippery . Shortly he fell flat on his butt. I laughed out loud completely and let my body slip out of the red fleece blanket. We always stayed until late. Until too late. I love the quiet of the night while watching the falling snow. It was such a bliss to see my tiny world covered in a white blanket. All white and nothing else.…

This time again

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So, this time again. We met again. It’s been several years. As usual, you popped up in front me, out of nowhere. Then we made an appoinment somewhere in the middle of our hectic life. We’re aging. You with your mohawk-wannabe haircut and me with my unusual long hair temporary permed. I poked your beer belly and you politely mentioned that mine is nothing compared to yours. I don’t mind. Of course we managed to be alone. Just the two of us, embracing what can be done in such a short time. I inhaled your pheromones like crazy and noticed that you can’t take your eyes off of me. We confessed that it’s wonderful to see each other again. I must say I’m happy, in a very precious way I can imagine. It is still the first two months of the year and I didn’t expect to be with you this soon. We’ve been moving in a subtle way, careful and reckless at the same time. Realizing that we are not teenager again, and this is not young adult fiction scenes we’re playing parts in. But I must say I am happy, an…

Man in mission

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Imagine each line pop up in your e-mail according to the dates.You are on board now in a new mission. Starting now.
01/07/09 Mission #1: Enroll to an Dutch institute called ITC under the major of Applied Earth Sciences.
14/09/09 Mission #2: Hang around in the lobby of your dormitory. Wear your short, pretend it’s not that cold.
19/09/09 Mission #3: Pay attention to the lectures, you need to study hard at the very beginning.
23/09/09Mission #4: Find target. A girl named Dita. Small, middle length hair, turqoise blue blackpack with a bumblebee transformer keychain. She’s enrolled in a former badge than you. 
24/09/09 Mission #5: During coffee break time, sit with the target, sip your coffee religiously. Give compliment on her bumblebee keychain.
05/10/09 Mission #6: Attend the party at the dorm lounge, bring your DSLR camera. Spot target, stand nearby, show off your photography talent a bit. Offer her a bottle of Grolsch, then, ask her to dance with you.
07/10/09 Mission #7: Send one of the be…

Comparative Study on 2010

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Cimaja, 1st January 2011
Right. The new year day.

Last year, on the new year eve, right in the 6th floor of a dorm room in insignificant town called Karsluhe, I managed to compose a long summary note of 2009. Some people commented that the note was earthy, positive and beautiful. Thank you, for the compliments. This year, seriously, I don’t know what to write in terms of quality. But I have to force my self anyway, new year’s not only good for throwing fireworks, it’s also a good point to do some rewind.

Okay right, 2010. What’s on 2010? It’s kinda hard to make a review of 2010 without comparing it with 2009. If I haven’t live my life the way I was in 2009, maybe I would say 2010 was just another year, full with ups and downs, tide and ebb. People fell in and out of love, moved in and out of town or hang on. But in 2010 I doubted everything that life has offered me. Beforehand, I have had the year full of hard works vs. parties, grounded doing homework vs. intense traveling during ho…