Showing posts from 2013

2013: A full spectrum of rainbow

In 2013, my biggest lesson-learn is, life is not always a ban of rainbow.
And unsurprisingly, it has always been like that the year before. Or the year before. Or the year before. It has been like that for all the time.

I might not have the remarkable new year’s eve party. In addition that I did not have someone to exchange kisses with when the Times Square ball dropped and everyone cheered. It felt like another week-end in the neighbourhood and I ended up in the dive club with crappy music. The only thing to celebrate was, I was there with friends. Also, I survived another year and hopeful for the upcoming year.
I pledge for AWESOME 2013 as my punch-line, yet the year started shakily. I might not cope with winter very well for feeling extremely cold in the middle of snowball fight in Central Park. The light vanished quickly, and I hurried to the nearest cafe for emotional support of a cup of Irish coffee. I didn’t manage to brave the cold this time, but the warmth is something to b…

Mom, you go ahead let your hair down..

And then my iPod which in shuffle mode played 'Girl, put your records on, tell me your favorite song..'. I feel like turning the volume out loud and singing with all my heart. Because, saphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams. You go ahead let your hair down.’

This is one of songs who poked and trigered big effect on me, gave me enormous power I didn't know I had before. This song made me holding on with smile, with firm steps and with positive vibe. And at times like this, I want to pinned the youtube video down on my facebook wall and tag my Mom along. Or maybe send the MP3 song via e-mail to her. Or ask my brother to play the song inside the car during their ride home.

But, Mom doesn't do youtube, and doesn't have a proper MP3 player. Hers already broke a long time ago, erasing all of her Siti Nurhaliza's songs.

And more ever, Mom might not get the lyrics, which for me are the most prominent part of the song. Wouldn’t be funny if I translate it with…

This summer. This year.

I miss reading people personal stories. Dear bloggers, why did you quit? *sigh*
Life is too quiet for a summer, but nevertheless I think this year will be marked by my state of happiness. In many previous years I was unconsciously in the midst of it but in a constant seek. Now that I know it is there, I am swimming in the sea of joy. That was kinda chessy and exaggerating , yeah I know. But feeling is something that I can’t manipulate. I can make it go, though.

Looking back to December 2007, the conversation I had with a beautiful friend lingered. She shook my shoulders “You are settling in!” while I was feeling miserable. Then off I go to around the world adventure.

And after all years and continents I stepped on, has this adventure ever ended? Never. But don’t look at me as an all-time girl-with-backpack type. As much as I think it looks cool to have outdoorsy carrier behind your back,  I pay respect to my shoulder, my body and soul by offering them more sleep. Dear heart, don’t yo…

Grumpy Kid

It was just another morning I was caught up in a long arguments in the messenger groups. We were a bunch of kids who used to sit in the same class for three consecutive years. Now, we have part as singers, researchers, moms, teachers, and life traveler.
I escaped the conversation because it was unbearable. Nothing was really serious anyway, it was just the boy kid around sending pictures of sexy girls with big boobs. But it hurts my feeling for reason I don’t know why. I shot down nasty words, and told them that they have degraded women by making them as sex objects and joke around about it. None of the girls protested while I was pretty sure if the conversation would have done in real person, I could scream out loud in high pitch voices.
 I was also scared of my self. This little girl who used to be pretty laid back and hide her words, suddenly was too vocal. Too loud. I ditched the phone into my handbag and decided to pedal my bike in a rush.
And during the ride I thought about a l…

To the wonder

Last weekend I hung out with a girl-friend who recently did a solo back packing trip to Mexico. It sounds so exotic, adventurous and daring. A single girl with her backpack, travelled to a foreign country alone. I smiled in admiration of her. And maybe a tiny bit for myself.

Because I did few of solo backpacking trip years back. And it felt awesome. It was scary at the beginning then I get excited once I had my 20ltr backpack in tow. I would not mind to do it again and again.

Solo or not, people tend to relate me with traveling. Maybe that based on the pictures I put on social media For sure, traveling sends me the tingles, when things look new and exciting before my eyes. It awakened the muse in me, constantly poked me to write and capture the wonder.

But the truth is, I hardly travel in the last two years. I did couple of trips, but that was just a small number in comparison to what I did, let’s say in 2007. Oh the beaches I’ve gone in 2007! Not a single trip involved turquoise wate…

Illusion of the day

Of all things I learn through the midst of my life recently, I noticed that happiness is an illusion. It’s a mind trick.
Have you ever feel everything is warm and the sun is gorgeous and there’s nothing you’d rather be than the street you stroll each morning you get out of the house? I secretly think, it is something like that. But it turned out, happiness is not a sum of sunshine and good weather and the smell of magnolia.
Maybe it’s in the sun, or it’s in the snow. Maybe it’s in the spring and a little bit in the fall. Maybe it’s the time you open your eyes in the morning after a recharging straight 9-hours sleep. But maybe it’s in the morning you have hangover and drag yourself out of your bed, but nevertheless you had a nice conversation the night before.
Maybe it’s in the greenest green tea frappucino you ever have ordered.
And it’s possible that happiness sprinkles you in the middle of sun salutation. It also slips in you while you sit quietly in the class with a fascinating to…

Next Monday

Because it’s Monday and I only functions as good as a half brain. 
I woke up in Monday morning with the line ‘Who’s next, who’s next...” lingering in my head. I made a pledge to listen to the rest of the song by the time I get to the office. It is Oh, the Divorces!, a so much mellow song that often makes me want to stop the world just to let the feeling flow.
I didn’t remember whose song it is, so I checked on spotify. It is a part of Emma Morley mixtape, of course.
Apparently, Tracey Thorn wrote the song as a part of her solo project album. And who the hell is Tracey Thorn? She’s a half of Everything but the Girl. I hope the name rings a bell. Missing? No?
Anyway. The rest of  the gloomy Monday has been perfectly lulled by Tracey Thorn’s songs. My heart skips a beat when the Night and Day rolled. This is very beautiful.

I wonder, why Monday frequently turns on the mellow tone? Is Monday is jealous of Sunday? Sunday is easy, wanted and difficult to part.  European Sunday is less exciting b…


That every single moment in our life left emotional bruises or maybe scars in our cells. They eventually are healed and invisible, but you can feel they exist. And you think you have shaken them off, washed the wound and moved on with life. But sometimes the tiny particles remains and you have been dragging the guilt all around.
I have never realized this until I unconsciously checked my facebook timeline. He has just changed his cover photo. I don’t remember what the picture it used to be, but now his page has this banner where in the picture he was playing in an endless puddle of mud with a piece of board. Looking all playful and cute.
Then my brain suddenly worked in a speed mode. My cells yearn and I have this vivid memory of me and him again. I wasn’t there bracing the mud with him. That day I believe I was busy climbing mountain with my bulky differential GPS and we were miles away. During those times, we also had a burden in connection. My cellphone worked on roaming so I had …

counting the days

This is what winter is all about.

“Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.”  ~Rumi

Lamsenia (again)

I wrote too much about Lamsenia in this blog. Because, Lamsenia has always been my sanctuary. After I left Banda Aceh, couple of times I had this dream about Lamsenia. It often slips between my sleeps whenever I feel like diving into the lowest point of life. I rarely had the dream these recent days, but I guess I don’t mind to have a screening in my head in the near future.

I don’t remember all my dreams about Lamsenia precisely, but there was one that I remember the details. This one appeared during a tough time of my master thesis in Netherlands. It was winter.
As usual, the dream started out quiet and slow. The early scene was dark, then after a while there was a dim light. The dominant color was greenish, very similar with the actual Lamsenia. Through out the dream, Lamsenia was captured with a grey vignette and a thick silence in the background.
I guess it was early morning of Lamsenia, I was in my overworn red t-shirt with Palm Beach written across chest. I broke the silence w…

not-so-fun part of nyc life

this got nothing to do with nyc, but this happens in nyc.

Somehow I miss the secure feeling of living in Kebon Sirih. How I love my fave spot, my corner and every inch of my room. My room to grow. I miss the time when I can always depend on Tanti and Niken and whatever we’re going to do in the house.
I miss those time when I have no burden on my shoulders, nothing but simply enjoying, exploring the city. Why oh why, recently life seems to be harsh at me. It seems that every turns bring surprise. Not always a terrible one. But not always the good one.
I miss the time when I used to sit or walk or sleep beside Niken. Because with her present, there’s always this serenity in the air. That I know there’s a sincere person who will always lend her helpful hands without hesitation and nothing to expect in return.
I miss the time when I can hide behind Lioni, knowing that her big body and bold personality protect me really well. That she always speaks the truth, bitch-slaps us in the face for ou…