2014: Let It Go, Interstellar and other lesson learned

2014 for me was a bit stagnant, in a good way. Nothing was really exciting and I didn’t hit the bottom. I stumbled, like most of us did, but the fall was not bad. It was a consistent float in the cloud of contentment. And as it is difficult to tell it chronologically, let me break it down by departments.

Place most visited: New York
I didn’t go abroad at all, my passport pages are blank and boring. This was somehow unlike me who always itch to hop on a journey. But on the other side, I sent several visa invitations for lovelies to set foot on the big apple. And seeing their smiles when they awed Manhattan skyline from my rooftop was beyond my jawbreaking moment of staring at South Rim of Grand Canyon. We strolled happily on the dirty sidewalks of the city, taking pictures of them mostly with me as a cameo. This city is still so much greatness, so much to offer. So many good people are living here. And this is always the side of the city that I want to share with the visitors.

Hottest exercise: Running
And of course I hold on to it, gripping hard. In one of my late afternoon jogging trips, I gazed into the Williamsburg Bridge ahead of me and curse: stay. And I continue miles after miles moving with my running shoes, even after the temperature dropped to 5 centigrade. This constant movement gives me energy to keep me going, keep me floating. I joined my first fun race in 2015, only to find out that I am in a competition with no one but myself. And to further confirm that I could not live without music as Shuffle by Bombay Bicycle Club has been played more than 137 times along with my jogging.

Most played music: Let It Go
While the most song played by my Spotify is Shuffle, the rest of the world might be earwormed by Let It Go the Frozen soundtrack. I didn’t catch the virus, but I must say, let it go is one my greatest lesson of 2014. This also I’ve seen in so many people life in 2014. The moment when they let go of something, that was also the moment they gained it back, in higher level of awesomeness. And this was true to me.

Most interesting movie: Interstellar (no worries, no spoiler)
Let It Go the song has nothing to do with Interstellar, but it surely reflects in one of the scenes and how the movie ends. It was a bit awkward to my liking but happy ending in short. And I felt like like Matthew Mcconaughey when I finally let go of my dream job, only to find the better one was already reserved under my name. Don’t worry too much about the future, because of what you have in mind is sometimes a crack version of what universe will grant you next.

Most interesting read: Be Nobody
And when you do it for the greater reason, greater cause, it will come back to you multiplied by tons. Reading Be Nobody is the antithesis of our striving to success. Of all the time I have been implanted by the doctrine to be somebody, this time I stepped back and flipped it the other way around. And it feels good. It feels good to convince my self again and again: this time, do it to make other people happy. Or maybe, it was actually feels good because after years of no significant amount of good reads, 2014 was the year when I finished more than ten books.

All in all, I’m still learning to be a better person by nurturing love and kindness, which is always challenging in a fast-phase of big city. But in general, it was not as painful as before. It is actually starting to bloom. I’m thankful for every people around me, and I’m also glad that I had some times by my self. Can’t compare which one was best, days in San Diego just by my self, or summer getaway with boyfie in Portland, Maine. I don’t know which one I like the most, partying on my rooftop or days enjoying Lower East Side alone. I guess each day I grow younger, finding every inch of this earth is my playground. And year in review is not suitable anymore, as moments are sometimes intangible, the pleasure extends beyond time and space. What I gained in 2014, I will carry it with me throughout the coming years. And what I lost in 2014, they are making room for better things, intentionally playing parts in a possibly better 2015.

Neverthelessly, have a great new year. I wish you love and kindness, not only from people around you, but more from you to the rest of the world. I wish you meet a lot of strangers, only to find yourself with greater friends at the end of the year. I wish you travel more, only to find a better home or a better home is where your kitchen already is now. I wish you’d lost a lot in 2014, only to find that 2015 has much better things to experienced with.

And I hope by the end of 2014, you'd already watched Boyhood, danced to D’Angelo new album and read Eleanor and Park. If not, you know what to put in your 2015 resolution by now, because those were also my highlights of 2014.

Relationship

I had a vivid dream. A dream that was so lucid, I could trace the wrinkles in his face when he smiled. I could feel he was standing tall that I have to look up everytime we conversed. Like many other dreams, most of them didn't make sense. I met him at the attic of my home in my hometown, he had a project in town and spent days at my attic, sketching and writing stories. Of course this was not real, he does not sketch nor write. He takes pictures and he hikes. And that's what I like about him.

Then the memories floated in. There were too many little moments we spent together without me realizing that he was the adventure I wanna be with. In the earlier days, we had an impromptu meet-up by the beach. We remember this to every details. It was me who convinced him that I had the best tea and he must try it. He picked me up after work then sat down on the bench by the beach. I took out the tea bag out of my backpack and put it on top of the picnic bench. Right then we realized how silly it was, there was no hot water around. Always full of ideas, he knocked on the door of one of the kiosk. Luckily the owner lady gave us hot water for free, but she told us that it was not safe to hang out on the beach after dark. We gulped down our tea in hurry and took off from the beach with our burned tongues. We rode back to the city, laughing out loud. When it was a quiet ride, I rested my cheek on his back and resisted my arms from holding his waist. The night softly fell as I was contented that we decided to took the ride. I guess that was the beginning.
And there were thousands of those moments afterwards. Countless of cracking down jokes as the sun went down. Beaches after beaches, also more hikes. He always took me to unexpected places. The waterfall, a local museum which I didn’t know exist, and an unknown open space with fields of tares. Once, he took me to hike and meet his friends who were working on rock climbing path. As I was carefully stepping up to some rocks, the rain fell. Gentle rain in tiny drops, hit the earth almost like a melody. We quietly sat down next to each other. I was fine, I was dry, I had the solid roof above me. The end of the day was so beautiful and when he pat my head, I almost slapped him for creating a too romantic scene that I couldn’t handle.
We didn't date or whispering sweet words into ears. We laughed at each other too much, calling each other nick names. Too many late nights we spent together without even thinking that we could watch the morning rise instead of calling it a night. And never we talked about feelings. Who needs another feelings when we were the happiest in our moments together. Recently I read Osho books about love and aloneness, and one of the chapter talked about to love is to relate, and it is beyond relationship. How often do we want to relate with the person next to us? Is it a struggle or hard work? While with some people, it was fairly easy. Some people just connect in a snap and they pick up the spark where they left of. I remember that night we walked down my favorite path under local cherry blossoms in full bloom. It was like a movie scene, only this one was with a scent.

One night we talked for hours over street food dinner. I vaguely remember that it was after one of our sunset moments. We sat next to each other, staring into the busy street. I didn’t finish my fried rice, and somehow we had a prolongued talks about each lover. Never crossed in our mind, that lovers shouldn’t be about distance. Lovers should be about who we are with each night. That night was young, but we were tired. I tapped his caving helmet as a sign.

The dream left a sad, deep and lonely feeling. I didn’t get up for hours, laying on my bed recalling things. Maybe it was me who wish there were more. More of us, more of days spent together. But we never had a farewell, not a single promise we made. We were too busy enjoying the weather, never even thought that we could have been soo good together. But today, I’m happy that we never crossed that boundary. I’m forever glad that one time, I wasn’t reckless. It was not a quite steamy love story, but this time I did it right.

I finally grabbed my cell and quickly drafting him a message. It was 630 days since we last talked. I miss you, Jack.

We can work it out

This is why we danced to “We Can Work It Out” in the kitchen.

Because life, more often than not, would surprise you in a funny way. Of your dreams come true, or of  your day turn sour. This might be written in the star, but also might fall out of nowhere.

That after today, my life will not be the same again, it is time for another chapter in life, I believe. Like lessons in books or chapter in a play, each chapter has different difficulties and scenes. Each you want to absorb, pass or ponder upon. But each lesson in life, it has the purpose to upgrade your self.

Spring forward

Last night I had a blast day. Spring finally is in bloom in the city and we’ve been delirious with the freshness. I stepped in to my apartment after an exhausting-but-well-deserved walking up the stairs. I took off my trench coat and hang it on the hallway entrance and whisper, “I have a good life.” My friend said she loves trench coat because trench coat means good weather. Can’t agree more.
Wait, what did I say previously? I have a good life.
Where did it come from?

It makes me wondering. During the week, how many times do you go home and utter to the people at home or to your cat that you had a good day? How many times you go to bed with a smile?
I must say, all through spring :)

Favorite person in your favorite life

Recently, I have been digesting quite a few readings of this bohemian hip called minimalism. Alright, it is not exactly that hippy. But I kinda like the idea, so I bought more books on the topic and gobbled it down.
One of the writings tickled me, as the author mentioned that all of his clothes are his favorite clothes. I looked at my outfit today. The toms shoes and fake leather jacket, they are by far one of my spring favorite clothing items. And all of my striped t-shirts are indeed my favorite tees, they can easily live up the vibe and never ever goes out of style. I love this cheap $5 stretch skirt, which I grabbed spontaneously by the cashier of HnM.
I am the version of my favorite person today. But this favorite thing goes beyond clothes, supposedly. I’m thinking of the choices I’ve been landed on. And the next time I sat on the bar beside someone, I’d love to pop up the question, is your life your favorite life? Are you the version of your favorite person?

This is it.

Sometimes I wonder why you and me never had an ending.
Once I scribbled on my notebook the way I feel about you, and it might be it. With you, it always feels like the first time again. The same heartbeat, excitement and adrenaline rush. It feels like falling in love all over again. And it doesn’t matter it is with the same person, because the feeling is somehow renewed. Recharged. Refreshed. It feels like being young and seeing someone from the opposite sex with adolescent eyes or the very first time.
It was always the same eyes that couldn’t take off of each other’s. It was always the same arms that hungry for more hugs. Same lips, same words uttered explicitly on how we missed each other. Same kisses, that I now understand why people make clips of the world slowly spins and the couples dangling few inches, hands and lips are intertwined.
Sometimes I wonder how people falls in love, and do they fall in love like this? Like, this sudden, this deep but also uplifting at the same time. Because everytime my eyes meet your eyes, I can feel the ground was shaking, and I no longer set my feet on earth. But instead of falling deep into the instant trench, I feel like floating. I feel light, as less as helium in 99 red balloons.
When the feeling is too big and overwhelming, I lied awake on my bed and think this is it. This it what people feels when they are in love then go write some songs. But some other times, I feel this couldn’t be it. This feeling is so sacred, so intimate, I can’t imagine other people feels the same way like I do.
Maybe that's why we never had a twisted ending. It never ends, and if it is finished I always rewind. I never get bored rerun the scenes and replay the tones, every smiles and every touches. I don't want an ending, I want an everlasting tale that I can tell my grandchildren how this granny once was never old. They will listen in an awe and wonder how could it have been.
And I do to. Few times I stared at the gently falling rain, while imagining things. For instances, all these feelings might have not exist if that day we had dinner and I decided to go home without you. Some other times, I imagined we had dinner and I decided to stay the night but in a different scenes that you wouldn't have to wear the ring. Many times I wonder, a play where we were both young and free. Free as people without baggage, without boundaries and without society pressured us in. Would I be able to feel this strong? Or is it because of our limitations that you managed to drive me wild?
But these questions were disappeared into thin air. I let you show up with surprises and I'd take it as you win. Also I set the time free whenever you give up and decided to be by your self again. I never ever ever complain whenever our lips are apart. The sadness of absence even could not take away the happiness of your presence.
Because as I mentioned, it never reached the edge. No matter we are continents apart or nautical miles away, it was always the same gravity that pulls me towards you. The same tingles that works on my nerve ends. The same you, the same screen. The same old Beatles rarities that we listen to back to back in one weekend.
This is why there is no us in the final chapter. The world will keep on turning, and we never stop running. This series will eventually run out of its course. I can picture myself handing you the keyboard and let you write the closing. You’d probably shake your head and refuse to name our story in any form of screenplay. Why not, baby, why can’t we choose one of the plots? Then I’d shrug, compile guts and type some words or two. Something like a cheesy note with a twisted ending.

Something like this. And this is it.