Find Me Here

I rarely talked about this, but I am so freakin’ obssesed with Call Me By Your Name. This one movie made me went down the rabbit hole of many things, and Timothy Chalamet was only the top of the iceberg. I think the whole package of CMBYN was masterpiece in many levels. Yes the outstanding performance of my dear Timothy, the whole mood of summer in Italian sleepy town and fantastic screenplay adapted from a great book. Thanks for Luca Guadiamo for that.

And the soundtrack that up to these days, are still frequently played whenever I need to focus.

And the book, I’m surprised that the book was not trending on booktok, because in the book we can be intimate with Elio. His fear and doubt, his excitement! It was all the feelings! It was almost the perfect queer lit and even has more stories of Elio Elio. Although, after reading Giovanni’s Room I can’t help to notice the similarity.

Few months before pandemic, I was lucky enough to attend the book sequel launch with a book talk by no less than Andre Aciman himself. Yes I gotta talk to him and of course I asked a silly questions, “What’s the name of the dog in the train scene?” And he answered, rather annoyed, of that was not the thing he focused on.

Because of course in the talk, one take away that I learn from this whole obsession and how great Andre Aciman is, he really likes to explore feelings or situation or circumstances that can not be precisely defined. And that idea has been lingering in my head so long that I feel the urge to write down in this blog again. It is so very relatable with me and the way I’ve been approaching writing in this blog. Not that I’m self-proclaiming my self as a great writer as Aciman, but let me say, it is an aspiration. This place is never been about my self, my activities and will never be about travel itineraries or skin care products. My favorite thing about writing here is when I can ramble for a while, sometimes down to the very details. In the end I feel very satisfied when I can explore a place, or a person (mostly is about this! Ha!) or a situation where or when the nuances are carefully laid out. It is really about the feelings.

I’ve been tinkering for a while whether or not I would like to invest my time again in this space. My other place is great, by being direct and open, it has led me to beautiful friendship and opportunities that I have never thought before. But I guess there is a novelty of being a bit indirect and limitation often sparks creativity. And I kinda enjoy Sunday early night with my words. I’m still scared of commiting to anything, but for the time being, I think you can find me here.

Of course, I am no Andre Aciman and I will focus of the dogs’ names.

Park (of Eleanor and Park)

I was not feeling very well couple months back and decided to read some comfort books. I scrolled through my kindle library, and decided to reread Eleanor and Park, my all time favorite young-adult romance.

I finished it in couple of days, I re-savored all the feelings, oh first love, first kiss and first everything… Sometimes I wish those feelings are not exclusively reserved for the young and reckless kind. This time around, I also understand more and more the social injustice issues in this book: poverty, domestic abuse, peer pressure, racial issues, and so on. And in the end, the second re-reading validated me that Eleanor and Park still deserves the five stars in my heart.

Additionally, what stroke me the most was how I understand my self more by meeting Park in this book. Of course I fell in love with this boy who always wore band t-shirt and created mix-tape (!!) with all his heart. Because in my teenage year, that was me! Not that I think Eleanor didn’t deserve Park - they were teenagers in love, so let them live that world.

But this is about me, and I feel seen with Park character.

It started when I was thirteen, I guess. I was an adolescent girl with limited social activities and all the time at my hands. Fashion, make-up, and most of features in Seventeen or Young & Modern were not interesting to me. I mostly spent all my time in the world with listening solely to Oz Radio, devouring all pages of Hai magazine and watching too much MTV (also [V] channel). I had a thud in my heart when I discovered Oasis. Jon Bon Jovi was my biggest crush, and not so long after that, Eddie Vedder took the place. I spent my after school hours imagining band life, musicians daily pursuits and other rock n roll scenes. Would it be nice to be in a room with Damon Albarn and listen to his thoughts? LA must be awesome, I would be frequenting all Guns n Roses gigs.

All this time, I had no one to converse with about all these stars. My closest circle consisted of girls, and despite that I really enjoyed spending time with them, sharing secrets about our crushes during sleepover and whatnot, no one seems to understand my obsession with music and musicians down to the finest details. No one seems to get that discovering Crush with Eyeliner video was a brain-f*cked.

No wonder, when I finally met a classmate who recited Yellowledbetter and can talked forever about what a brilliant song Married with Children was, I had this strange feeling in my heart. Unlike Park, he was a popular boy in school and had exes in tow! Argh, I was secretly in love an in denial, but would spend hours conversing about what we have seen on MTV last night. He was the one who gets it when I discreetly showed him my brand new Hard Rock Cafe Michael Stipe edition when I was passing by. We both, of course, had a long argument about who loves Michael Stipe more.

Now readers, this is a story about Park and me, not about how I had my heart badly broken. I moved school - not because I was broken hearted, mind you, it was just about time to choose a new high school - it took another lonely two years until I found someone who speaks about Ten album with sparkling eyes. This time it was an awesome girl, and we’ve been best friends ever since. We had falling out and making up, but safely to say, no hearts were destroyed, and our relationship has grown so much beyond punk and hardcore scenes.

And still after all those years, meeting Park in Eleanor and Park, was a revelation of what it feels like to meet someone who speaks your language. And for that, I will always hug this book whenever I see it in a book store.

And readers, I wish you meet that kind or person, many many times in your life, and never stay out of touch.

The devastating feeling of accidentally shrunk sweater

I just got home from a short day trip form Amsterdam and casually sorting my laundry out of the washer. I have one hour till the clock hit midnight and might as well finish this core, I thought. Then there, in the middle of jumbled damp clothes, I saw it: my favorite rainbow sweater is now 5 size smaller. And my heart was in million pieces.

I know this is a laughable first-world country problem. Jesse keeps on repeating “It’s just a sweater!” And I couldn’t manage to feel other than sad. Sad is underrated. It is devastating to be exact. I can’t shake it off and decided to wallow for a while.

Back in the beginning of winter, I decided to pamper myself with something nice and cozy that would get me a tad excited about cold weather. I’ve always wanted a stripes sweater in rainbow color and the stars aligned, my favorite clothing brand sold that online. It was a little more than my budget and I took few days of contemplation. But one morning I got up, sleepily checked e-mail and I bought that in a wimp. I cursed myself for couple of days, why did I splurged when I supposed to be saving. But when the sweater arrived, I couldn’t be happier.

In the spirit of spark joy from our beloved Marie Kondo, I realized that was the feeling when you own a piece that you really love and proud of. A piece that was well-designed and in high-quality (albeit the mass production from China) that embodied your value and vibes. It’s just your forever thing. And mine was this bright colorful sweater that I got compliments for every so often. With this, I can conquer the world. At that time, I swear I don’t need to buy another sweater. (Fast forward: I was wrong. Two months later I bought a classic black sweater).

And last night, I couldn’t fit into this sweater anymore, the fabric felt heavy and fuzzy and I sat there with a lot of question in my head. Of course, I turned into youtube to the rescue, did my best soaking it in conditioner, and so on.. Although I managed to pull the wool and it is now in a bigger size than when it just come off the washer, I realized that it will never be the same sweater again. I went to bed with frown and overthinking of what could have been and what I should have not done. A good portion of that involved myself questioning my the spark-joy theory versus attachment. I felt betrayed with my faith in the sweater. It supposed to bring me confidence that I sort things out in my life. But seeing it in tiny form, I’m wondering if I should have bought a cheaper version advertised by targeted ad. I maybe can shrugged it off easily.

It’s just a sweater. But this feeling is devastating, I can’t deny.

    

Sheer simplicity

Illustration by Design Love Fest

The truth is, I’m a little bit sad today with the demand of this fast world. It’s not enough that you are something, you gotta do what it takes to keep you in the market. It’s not enough that you produce good stuffs, you gotta keep up with the marketing to keep rolling. When you are beautiful, brilliant and radiant, everybody would want something of you. And sometimes it takes a lot to keep on giving.

I’m not naive, I know there’s business models, balancing where ends meet and other logistics. There are middleman and messengers in between. It is never as simple as farm to kitchen to table. It’s not enough that we survive with hunting and cooking skills. The world is so much more complicated now, that we have to understand spreadsheets. With the advancement of technology, shouldn’t life be simpler?

And often I wonder, is this the picture of success would be? When I was a kid, I always wanted to be an architect, innocently thought that I would be drawing, drawing and drawing. Never crossed my mind that it includes dealing with clients, building the company and making sure there’s enough coffee beans in the pantry. And that kid with assortment of pencil color, did she wonder about her salary digits? Or the type of couch she could afford?

Life is simple, or not?