Friday, December 30, 2011

Your reason for living is your reason for leaving

This is a recycle piece that I wrote for my best buddy project: 52wednesday of Lioni Beatrix. Check the blog out, it's a nice participatory project where you will find that you are not alone.


It’s been months. I confessed that I’m fine, slowly getting there. Getting to the zone where there is only me, and never you. And I thought I was doing it great. But out of the blue, I woke up to a disturbing dream. Of course, it was always about you, and never about me. The dream crept in between the morning haze and the weight of my eyelids. And the weight of you on my shoulders which I realized never had been lifted.
In the dream, it was early in the morning. The autumn sky was grey and the air was a bit chilly. But under the duvet, I can feel the warmth of your skin and the crispy sound of the bedsheet. I woke up next to you, in my blue halter neck t-shirt on and you were in your blue short. We were too sleepy to open our eyes, but I noticed that I was content. Was too happy that I woke up to someone so familiar, so close. You put on your glasses and I hug you loosely. I love you so much, my heart wants to explode. Then I kissed your cheek. I guess I stayed that way for a minute or two. I can still remember the softness of your face, the cold against my lips and my cheeks. And oh, the smell of skin, a scent of baby bath soap, I inhaled a little too much. You did not moved an inch and utterly quiet, as usual.


We made out, under the dim light of the dawn. Soft butterly kisses and tingles were everywhere. We responded slowly and exhaled the air with sighs.  Suddenly, you shouted at me. Your voice was high in the air, ‘We should stop this, our deadline is very near. In August we have to submit our report.’ Then I watched you getting dress in speed and off to work. I was still in my blue halter neck t-shirt with my sleepy eyes. I sit sheepishly at our full size bed, tugging my cold feet under the blanket. I stare at the door and empty space where you tied the strings of your field boots and left off. What’s wrong with you?

In the day, this is not a dream, I managed to gather some concentration and worked on some job applications. Those blohdy long forms I have to fill in with flowery words.  Some questions make no sense but I need to rewrite the answers. Again and again.
Position: Project Officer. From: May 2009 – March 2010. Duty:  Supporting program manager in delivering goals, taking part in community participation, and assissting monitoring and evaluation manager in collecting data. Achievements: Successfully engaged in writing the first term of project proposal, taking lead in community participation, engaged community in the program and delivered the report in timely manner. Reasons for leaving:

What was your reason for leaving? I left the white box still in blank. Empty and hollow.  

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