Illusion of the day

Of all things I learn through the midst of my life recently, I noticed that happiness is an illusion. It’s a mind trick.
Have you ever feel everything is warm and the sun is gorgeous and there’s nothing you’d rather be than the street you stroll each morning you get out of the house? I secretly think, it is something like that. But it turned out, happiness is not a sum of sunshine and good weather and the smell of magnolia.
Maybe it’s in the sun, or it’s in the snow. Maybe it’s in the spring and a little bit in the fall. Maybe it’s the time you open your eyes in the morning after a recharging straight 9-hours sleep. But maybe it’s in the morning you have hangover and drag yourself out of your bed, but nevertheless you had a nice conversation the night before.
Maybe it’s in the greenest green tea frappucino you ever have ordered.
And it’s possible that happiness sprinkles you in the middle of sun salutation. It also slips in you while you sit quietly in the class with a fascinating topic that you feel like you want to do it for the rest of your life. And it could be the read between the lines after pages of good reading in Saturday morning.
I suspect, it was also happiness when I spent hours in a little cafe in the corner, and that was not because of the kick-ass tiramisu, but rather caused by a warm conversation with the owner. But as I finished the cake, and went home did the happiness evaporate? I hold on to the feeling by imagining each sensation happened in my mouth during the digestion process.
And what else do you want to feel? Contentment and relieve? Practicing compassion and kindness?  I smile to myself, because I also want to be in love. And I don’t mind to do it in a cheesiest possible way. But, how big does it add to the sum of all equation of happiness? A half heart and less brain?
And I can go on and on listing all of things that trigger that warm and fuzzy feeling. But I must stop here to remind you again. It’s all a mind trick.  Let’s face it, life is a series of disasters . Nobody ever tell you that it’s a straight road ahead without bumps and turns and always good weather. But you’ll get there somehow. Maybe you will arrive bruised and wounded, along with smile and tears. But it’s actually more up to you to decide what to feel.
And of all the things you want to feel  along the journey, don’t you just wanna be happy?

So maybe, after all, I’ll be fine and dandy. And happy.

Best read while listening to: Hard Candy Christmas - Tracey Thorn, which originally was written by Dolly Parton. Here.

Next Monday

Because it’s Monday and I only functions as good as a half brain. 
I woke up in Monday morning with the line ‘Who’s next, who’s next...” lingering in my head. I made a pledge to listen to the rest of the song by the time I get to the office. It is Oh, the Divorces!, a so much mellow song that often makes me want to stop the world just to let the feeling flow.
I didn’t remember whose song it is, so I checked on spotify. It is a part of Emma Morley mixtape, of course.
Apparently, Tracey Thorn wrote the song as a part of her solo project album. And who the hell is Tracey Thorn? She’s a half of Everything but the Girl. I hope the name rings a bell. Missing? No?
Anyway. The rest of  the gloomy Monday has been perfectly lulled by Tracey Thorn’s songs. My heart skips a beat when the Night and Day rolled. This is very beautiful.

I wonder, why Monday frequently turns on the mellow tone? Is Monday is jealous of Sunday? Sunday is easy, wanted and difficult to part.  European Sunday is less exciting but it lives a contentment to begin the week with. Party on or sleeping in, doesn’t really matter.
Last Sunday, I ended it with walking home from Otto’s bar, hand in hand with a dear friend while talking about moving on to Hawaii next year. It was a fine spring night, the first night I went out in shorts during the year. My friend walked in a funny gesture, because his boots were too tight. I told him, it’s boots-off from now on.  But he is a blues frontman, he needs boots to complete the performance.

Previously, I danced to his songs in happiness. I took a Japanese girl by the hand and we awkwardly wiggled in our shy Asian way. I goofed around and then took a rest in a sitting corner with one of  my dance partners. A bottle of free beer in hands while we were talking about life and what to do next. No, I didn’t hooked up nor fell in love nor infatuated nor went somewhere instead of home. My dear friend finally joined me with his guitar in tow and I kissed his cheek. Later in the night, a guy cornered me with a question followed by a dissappointed look “Why did you hit me?” when I said that I was going home.  I giggled and dragged the guitar with me.

So yeah, I wrapped up Sunday with a mixed feeling in my heart. A warmth sensation that I walked by someone that I wanna be with. Is this how people feel when they talk about compassion? What about love? The spring air was such a delight and I know that life is getting very good. But, I guess I broke another heart that night. Not sure it was that guy’s or mine. 

Who’s next?
Who’s next?
Always the ones
That you least expect
- Tracey Thorn

Forgiveness

That every single moment in our life left emotional bruises or maybe scars in our cells. They eventually are healed and invisible, but you can feel they exist. And you think you have shaken them off, washed the wound and moved on with life. But sometimes the tiny particles remains and you have been dragging the guilt all around.
I have never realized this until I unconsciously checked my facebook timeline. He has just changed his cover photo. I don’t remember what the picture it used to be, but now his page has this banner where in the picture he was playing in an endless puddle of mud with a piece of board. Looking all playful and cute.
Then my brain suddenly worked in a speed mode. My cells yearn and I have this vivid memory of me and him again. I wasn’t there bracing the mud with him. That day I believe I was busy climbing mountain with my bulky differential GPS and we were miles away. During those times, we also had a burden in connection. My cellphone worked on roaming so I had limited a call reception and of course clumsy him, his cellphone fell of the muddy water. But that time, we were together.
Even almost three years since our moment has passed, the feelings remains. It seems like the muscles of my heart vibrated. Affection, attachment, longing, sharing, our mutual fondness to each other and many more. All these sweetness eventually were tangled in distance, confusion, rejection, hurts and a world apart. We ended up in a different path.
I always thought that it will be best to keep the memory alive. Sure. And I can live on with these things, because like it or not, they are a part of me and shaped who I am today. Of course I am proudly shout I have over him. Over over over him. I have fallen in and out love many times after afterward, and if you ask me would I want him back? I would utter NO without thinking twice.
But why do the feelings linger? Why does the hurt still hurts, and the sweetness makes me smile? Can I keep my self neutral or ratherly flat towards him? I am a girl with many emotions, let me be alive with my past. No?
I let go a heavy sigh. I guess, no matter how strong I am or at least I want to be, I need to do something about my past. Something brainwash and the like, remember Lacuna.inc? The universe conspire me to practice forgiveness and I am fumbling back and forth on this. What should I do to forgive him? I thought I already did.
I checked on his facebook banner once again. He or whoever wants to join, can play forever in a puddle of mud. Because though it is dirty, it is still fun anyway. But I guess not me, and  it is not because I don’t like playing with dirt. But this time, I’m gonna grab my scrub body wash and striped towel then take a long deep thoroughly hot shower instead.

counting the days

This is what winter is all about.

“Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.”  ~Rumi

Lamsenia (again)

I wrote too much about Lamsenia in this blog. Because, Lamsenia has always been my sanctuary. After I left Banda Aceh, couple of times I had this dream about Lamsenia. It often slips between my sleeps whenever I feel like diving into the lowest point of life. I rarely had the dream these recent days, but I guess I don’t mind to have a screening in my head in the near future.

I don’t remember all my dreams about Lamsenia precisely, but there was one that I remember the details. This one appeared during a tough time of my master thesis in Netherlands. It was winter.
As usual, the dream started out quiet and slow. The early scene was dark, then after a while there was a dim light. The dominant color was greenish, very similar with the actual Lamsenia. Through out the dream, Lamsenia was captured with a grey vignette and a thick silence in the background.
I guess it was early morning of Lamsenia, I was in my overworn red t-shirt with Palm Beach written across chest. I broke the silence while running towards the creek of Sarah river, shouting “Abaaaahhhh!” in high pitch voice and high in endorphin.
Of course, Abah was there, sitting quietly on the edge of a giant rock. Looking cool in his scarf and shorts. He looked at me and smile. We are always happy to see each other, for no reason at all. I sat beside him and interrupted his fishing session. We chatted a little and cracked together with inside jokes immersed in local dialect. He was a piece of home in this northest part of Sumatra island.

Spontaneously I jumped into the water. A failed attempt to create a massive splash but I plunged into the lake happily. The water felt a bit cold, sunrise has not shared enough heat yet. But I felt nothing but warm, and content. I did several duck dives until tired, then decided to do my favorite activity ever: swimming on my back. I swam backward while staring at the sky, the beautiful rocks and a thin smile of Abah. I swam in circle ‘till I had nothing to think about, to fear and nothing was important but me soaking in the serenity of nature.
I heard Abah called me, he finally catched some fish. I was all hungry and jumped out of the water following him to prepare grilled fish. In the dream, I watched the girl in wet red t-shirt climbed on the rock then walked jumpily beside Abah. Both had glowing smiles and illuminated faces by the golden ray of morning sun.

I woke up with a strange feeling in my heart. It felt like I had gone through a deep meditation as if I was trying to reach a bliss that buried under my skin. A spot inside that contains a positive vibrant energy. A gentle reminder, that I know life has been tough, but this lucid dream of Lamsenia always manages to convince me that everything is gonna be alright.

not-so-fun part of nyc life

this got nothing to do with nyc, but this happens in nyc.

Somehow I miss the secure feeling of living in Kebon Sirih. How I love my fave spot, my corner and every inch of my room. My room to grow. I miss the time when I can always depend on Tanti and Niken and whatever we’re going to do in the house.
I miss those time when I have no burden on my shoulders, nothing but simply enjoying, exploring the city. Why oh why, recently life seems to be harsh at me. It seems that every turns bring surprise. Not always a terrible one. But not always the good one.
I miss the time when I used to sit or walk or sleep beside Niken. Because with her present, there’s always this serenity in the air. That I know there’s a sincere person who will always lend her helpful hands without hesitation and nothing to expect in return.
I miss the time when I can hide behind Lioni, knowing that her big body and bold personality protect me really well. That she always speaks the truth, bitch-slaps us in the face for our own good. That is the fact that she has huge heart and only wants the best thing happens to us.
I miss the time whenever I can drag Mindang to do anything, and anything we did was alway fun, with laughters as rewards. That this world is so much fun to explore, and there’s always happiness in every corner we seek.
Hhh... I miss the time whenever the four, or rather ten of us are together. That I know I have all the best people on earth to complete my life. That I know we can always count on each other, have a good time together and face the world not so alone.

Over the Atlantic

It feels so comfy and familiar, curling up in a window-seat. The stewardess has turned off the light inside the plane, and it is so warm under the blanket, with in-flight entertainment on and of course I’m holding Woofy tight.
I am so blessed with the world to see and a job that does it for me. I guess most of my jobs have been built in that way. Three months then Maputo, six months then Nairobi, and five months then Honiara. Places that people would not pin them as holiday destinations at the first place. But yeah, the world is too big to be captured by pages of traveling guide book. Tourism is just one of many ways for appreciating the earth.

And of course there is  my babe on the other line. Someone I love so dearly, I never thought I would find. And doesn't matter the distance, the feeling is constantly at the same level. And we have been built that way, living our mellodramatic life with physical distances between us. But how we love to beat them with any kind of transportation. Yes, our relationship has a lot of carbon print, we are no green at all.
The time I met her last year, it was short. Shorter than I expected, and from time to time I regret it much too much. We made a gorgeous plan, oh we did. Days of relaxing by the beach, in one of the remarkable decent hotel at the south of West Java. I can imagine that we would sit on the porch, looking at the Indian ocean and would feel so contented to have the moment. I'd be sipping my beer, and we would be in our favorite shorts and sleeveless t-shirts. We are sure no models though deep inside we believe we are, and we would pose for the kind of pictures you have seen in summer version of teen magazine.
But that day never comes.

We had tried so very hard to minimize the distance, beating all the miles. Eventually we were in the same country and have our bikinis ready, but God knows why we couldn't meet. I had a quite big change of life in coming months, and once we are in each of our hometown, many things get in the way.
I remember sitting quietly in my room and imagining to ring her up and laugh on whatever, just like we always do. But I can't push the green button, I felt terrible for ruining our best laid plans. In fact, I miss her so much, I couldn't bear the feeling of not knowing when we'll meet again. I was about to fly again to another continent and it seems beyond imagination.
But as we stroll days, constantly yearning i miss you over the transatlantic connection, we didn't realize that we are this close to meet each other. My tickets are booked and her tickets followed. I'm crossing my fingers tight, hoping this will be another adventure with her. We've been in a long distance relationship and loathed with the fragile feeling that it all became overrated.
But I'm here now, over the ocean and after the business is done, we're going to giggle over whatever. We’re going to talk about our life, dreams, or simply walk down the street facing the sweet reality. We're going to show off that the world is never too big and there is no such thing as we're too stranded from each other.
This kind of moment remind me of life sometimes is sort of.. kind. Nothing is too surreal, and nothing is too bitter, because there will be moments of happiness slip in in many ways. And nothing will ever come true if you keep saying 'Oh it's so far!' because life is a journey always worth-taking.