Yesterday I went sailing at Friesland. We strolled along in the canals and roaming around the lake with our rented boats. Got my skin tanned in just about the right amount (will work on that later), and my Cities I’ve Visited map pinned with another favorite spot.
But today I feel sad. Not because yesterday was not fun or today is less fun. But just now I realized that I am so far from the things that I want to do. Well, maybe not all of my dreams, but some of them. I have just realized about things I wanna do forever. For instances, I like floating in the water on my back and watching the blue sky. I also like wearing less clothes, not because I want to be sexy (I don’t think sexyness judged by the way we dress), but because I feel energetic with more of my skin exposed. And right now, I’m enjoying the feeling of in love without being attached. It is so liberating.
While washing the dishes, I was thinking about all those things. Everything I love, lead to one highlight: freedom. I never understand why people wants to lean on and at the same time recognized my self as a weak figure. Been trying to put my feet in their shoes but I failed at times. I don’t know how to balance my steps, so I guess I’ll decide to fly. Or float. Or sail. Or stay. Or both.
This morning I went up to my room and empty my fridge. Found a cup of straciatella yoghurt and decided to keep it for the night. It is expired though, but as usual I don't care. Yoghurt is rotten milk anyway. Last night I packed up all the things and gave away things to everybody. It is always nice to see our stuffs become useful for someone else. I did a magic call for a friend. It turned out he was very happy for inheriting old school testament, free food, free party stuffs, and the most important is stack of origami papers. We wrapped up things with beers and chips and south East Asian little party.
The first round of packing was done.
Today I woke up in a not-so-strange room and had trouble finding my toiletries in too many cardboard boxes around me. I went to university feeling a lot sleepy, but by five managed to finish the tasks for today. Then I wrapped up things and go home, had too-sweet fried noodle and immediately fell asleep.
Looking all around me, every where are cardboard boxes and semi-packed stuffs. My room mate had a terrible hang over from last night and the smooth snore is all over the room.
I have so many stuffs and looking at the two big overloaded trash bag, I can not believe how many craps and useless things I've been keeping in my room all this time. Shoe boxes, plastic forks, water bottles, shirt I never dare to wear, two size bigger pants, paper, paper, and more papers. I feel uneasy throwing them, but once I decided to get them into the trash bag, they disappear from my life. I feel relieved.
Maybe my life is similarly like that. I have too many junks crowded in. And most of the time I wish that I can easily throw them in a trash bag. Because I believe I’m better if I focus on goals and important issues. But oh how I often curse my complicated mind. And how I wish now to efficiently packing my self.
Readers are free to mix and match the paragraphs. Just make sure you do the numbers correctly.
[1] My ex boyfriend came to my town. After four years of separation without any news exchange, the universe conspired to make us meet. Physically. He texted me all of sudden, said that he was in town. A happy surprises it was though I reluctantly replied. He a bit insisted to arrange a rendezvous and the next thing was, I sat quietly in the couch of his hotel lobby.
[2] He said I look no different than the girl he dated four years ago. I took it as an insult. I wore the same kind of ripped-off t-shirt, the same over worn denim pants and exactly the same flip flops. I amazed that I didn’t dress my self up to impress him. On the other hand, he didn’t look any different either, though I managed to lock up the words in my mouth. He was still lean and tall, with his pale skin and the quizzical light in his eyes.
[2] He said I look different and I raised one of my eyebrows. He smiled and I took it as a compliment. I was sure I did not dress up, but the plain white t-shirt was enough to impress him. I guess somewhere I forget when, I heard he likes me in white. We shook hands and I can not take my eyes off of him. He looks slightly more mature though he was still the same lean and tall that I used to date. His eyes were twinkling, still.
[3] He took me, or rather I took him to a dinner in a Chinese restaurant. He enjoyed the food so much, he managed to finish them off while I eat just enough and desperately seeking for beers. Unlucky me, no beers in this Chinese restaurant. And of course we talked. A lot to cache up but we slowly chatted about general stuffs like what are we doing, and how are the friends we had back then.
[3] He took me, or rather I took him to an Italian restaurant. He said that was the best spaghetti aglio ‘olio he ever had and I bet he hasn’t taste mine. We ordered red wine though I convinced him that wine makes me sleepy. And of course we had talked. I was a little bit chatty, blame the wine. Mostly he smiled and made funny comments.
[4] Then the big questions were popped up. Are you seeing someone now? He showed me a golden ring wrapped in his left finger and I instantly rephrase my answer. I’m seeing someone now, but it’s not a long term relationship yet. Who’s the lucky guy? You don’t want to know and he kept his mouth shut about this matter.
[4] Then the big questions popped up. Are you seeing someone now? I showed him the golden ring sweetly wrapped my finger, “I’m engaged!” as I said excitedly. A little too much. He smiled oh so wide and examined the ring. I didn’t see any rings on any of his fingers and I was too afraid to ask further. He looked deeply into my eyes and I know the night shouldn’t be bothered by the question.
[5] As soon as he finished his dinner, he took me back to his hotel, and this time he directly guided me to his room. I sat on the edge of his bed, not sure what I want to do. I forced my self to watch the tv which aired some craps as usual while he was watching me. After sometimes he sat beside me and kissed my cheek. I sit silently still then he took it as a cue to kiss another part of my body. I kissed back.
[5] We skipped the coffee and get a cab. On the backseat we sat side by side, trying hard to act casual. He hugged my shoulders and I found comfort. The taxi went directly to his hotel, and we went directly into his room. He turned on the tv and we watched a documentary about Madagascar monkey. Next, the penguin. We were so into it and I didn’t realize he stroked my hair lightly. When I turned away from the tv I met his eyes. We kissed.
[6] One thing led to another and the next thing was I sat comfortably in the back seat of the taxi. Right after I arrived home, I hit the shower.
[6] One thing led to another and the next thing was I woke up in the morning next to him. And just like that we got together again.
…
Watch things on VCRs, with me and talk about big love I think we're superstars, you say you think we are the best thing
Hanoi today, 19 May 2010. We were picked up by #vn guy and his mate who then took us for a pho dinner. Pho has always been my favorite dishes even before I went to the original country. So, having the big white fat rice noodle by sitting in kindergarten-like chairs on the sidewalk, at fairly cheap price but taste at the very best, it was simply heaven. #Vn guy offered a cup of cold tea in a plastic cup, which turned out to be black color drink tasted extremely bitter. I said thank you, but thank you. I didn’t bother to remember the name because I’m sure I’m not gonna order it again. He said the drink was good to give me a good sleep and we all laughed when I said it is not for a sleepyhead person like me.
After that he took us along 1 meter narrow alley, up to the fourth floor of a decent coffee shop then enjoy the scenery from above. Something that is not written in any of the guide books. The view was amazing, Hoan Kiem lake from above along with its colorful ball-shaped lamps, the giant clock on the post office building which Vietnamese refer as their Big Ben, the old colonial buildings around us, and the illumination light from motorcycles traffic below. All of them, plus the silhouette of the young couple who made out obviously in front of us. Right. But we let it be something funny and as usual laughed it out loud.
The coffee kicks strong, and so was he. Not literally, but strong enough to fly me back thousand miles and exactly one year a go, to the days we noticed each other for the first time. Days when we were riding our bikes side by side and fooled around, crowding in our activities with sports, pictures hunting or just simply standing on my balcony. He smoked cigarette religiously while I was doing most of the talking.
Just like general of the Vietnamese, no offense, his English is not perfect. That’s why most of the time I was the talk-active being and he speaks with his eyes. I tried to read his body language, but I guess Vietnamese wasn’t built with extra expressions. With these limitations, I dared my self to read signs from his eyes.
From my eyes, #vn guy is a symbol of Asian simplicity, utterly humble yet profoundly stands on his beliefs and very well matured by his role as a father. He looks quiet and seems to think a lot. Even he has this funny tone of saying “No,” as if he thinks ten times before saying the objection. Very rare he explicitly tells a tale of his life though once it was revealed, I guess it is something to be proud of. After one year of separation, I took a look at him. Nothing changed. He is still the same decent and modest man who stole a piece of my heart. This time, I generously gave another piece.
He showed us around his over populated town. It stroke me that I wasn’t alone with him here, obviously there are more than 6.5 people in Hanoi and I silently assumed that the amount of motorcycles is at least half of it. The houses were built on small patched of land with many storey due to the awfully high rate of the land price, the third most expensive rate after New York and Tokyo. Then I silently assumed that he must have been working hard for a piece of land in outskirt of the town.
I confessed that I love the city. There’s something about the lively city. Hanoi is far from systematic and well-organized city, but it has its own charms. The freely flagging yellow communist logo on red background, bubbling streets, cozy lake and high pitch noises from motorcycle horns are parts of its signature. As an addition, the gastronomic experience is south-east asia culinairy at its best and the coffee is black, thick, bitter and kicks strong. Three sips of it are enough to made me high and all smiley. And this October, Hanoi will celebrate its 1000 anniversary and we enjoyed the festive atmosphere. Hanoi looks that old, but contented with its high spirits vibrant.
As the night was slowly vanishing at very late, I confessed that I love the city and was happy.
But I didn’t confess that it was possibly him who made the difference.
I silently assume that he read it from the light of my eyes.
Fine. Hate me. I don’t deserve any of your sympathy, I am an evil with human being identity. Disgust my self inside and out. My fake teeth, my crisp laughter, the way I love stuffed animals, and everything you can’t stand of. I know you dislikes all of my attached adjectives; selfish, single-minded, stranger’s lover, childish, spontaneous, thoughtless, wicked, dangerous flirtatious, heavy procrastinator, sleepyhead to the bone and all that. Call me bitch, hideous, anything. Spit out your nasty words and bad mouth me. Hate me, anyway you want to, it won’t be wrong.
Blame me. For I have destroyed your future, your hope, your dream house, and everything. For Ive been letting my heart hanging out all this time, it was too easy to be ripped out. I’m reckless, and you know I am far from flawless, I don’t belong to your world of perfect simetry. You think you have done everything you could and meanwhile I went anywhere I like and did nothing, so blame me. Slap my face and leave me feeling proud because I don’t have the rights for complain it. Forget the weatherman and let me carry all the guilt upon my shoulder.
Fine. Hate me. Do everything you want to ease yourself. But you can not control me, as you know I am numb. Again, reckless. Maybe, heartless.
You might have been skipped the movie, but I watched it 3 times already just to heart Summer.
My favorite part was: Summer: We've been like Sid and Nancy for months now. Tom: Summer, Sid stabbed Nancy, seven times with a kitchen knife, I mean we have some disagreements but I hardly think I'm Sid Vicious. Summer: No I'm Sid.
So I back in this old place again, the place where I’ve spent more than hundred thousand nights. It feels so good now, like a simple reunion. I wish I have a decent table for doing computer or paper works, but the desk have moved since ten years ago because it only collected dust. As a replacement, more and more shelves were inserted here. The book collection is obviously growing and I feel happy thinking of it.
I re-read again my favorite books. A bit of guilty feeling is creeping inside since I know that there are still stacks of books that I haven’t finished reading. But then I can’t help it. I long to be glued to a book, and with too many books published these days, it is hard to find one that sticks to hands.
Today I decided to turn again the pages of Summer Sister by Judy Blume. And yes, in sitting of 3 hours, I have re-read one third of it. I stop now, I was trying to catch my breath when Vix, the main character of the book, is having her seventeenth birthday bash. She celebrated it in the beach, along with Caitlin, her bestfriend, or so-called summer sister, and their boyfriends. Warning, spoiler.
They were young, free, reckless and glowing. I can feel the sensation of skin against skin and the overflowing of sunshine. The heart that might skip a beat and the intention to go all the way, without hesitation. Ah, when did I have that kind of sensation? Was it a long time a go? Do I still remember? I went dizzy.
But then I remember the feeling I have had when I was reading this part for the first time. Although I was not a teenager, but I was so envied by the adventures. I remember, I made a mental note not to grow old very soon and gulp the sensation again.
This time I also made a mental note, clearly written with a mixed opinion from my brain, that this is only a young adult fiction. This only happens in young adult life or fiction. Might be strange, might be overwhelming, but this time let me go for a real thing.
"...youre taking toffee with your vicodin
something sweet to forget about him..."
I flied over thousand miles and skipped spring. I said goodbye to less than 5 degrees temperature with cool breeze and trace of snow then just daydreaming about blooming magnolia. Where I am now, it is 100% summer with over 30 degrees and sticky air. As an addition, sometimes during the day, rain falls like the earth is having shower to wash away the dirtiest dirt. Great, summer rain. No, it’s not summer rain, it’s just rain, typical tropical rain.
That sort of rain reminds me of summer rain last year. Ah, that was truly a summer rain. Big raindrops, a bit cold and lasted all day. I enjoyed it from the big windows of my room, watching the water poured quickly, a bit disappointed because I had to cancelled a lot of my plans. Though I had trustable umbrella, raincoat and waterproof boots, but some of the activities have to be let go.
Strangely somehow, I cherished it, the rainy summer days. And if I was too tired to go anywhere I silently wish it was raining. I made a cup of hot chocolate, add few baileys and tuned in to my ‘rain’ play list. The list contains ‘Rainy days and Mondays’ of Carpenters, ‘When I’m thinking about you’ of the Sundays, ‘Gravity’ of Bic Runga, randomly jazzy tunes I downloaded, and many more. Seduced by the chilly weather, the stomach always is more active. Luckily, the excellent chef was next door. He managed to serve suitable food for rainy days, like steamboat, green curry paste, and various soups that I don’t know the name but remember the yummy taste very well.
It’s funny how I remember summer days by the pouring rain. Of course I tried not too waste the chance to have fun under the sun. Many times during week days we went to the outdoor swimming pool and jumped around using the trampoline or had picnics in the park. In week ends we had barbeque parties by the lake and played in the water. I had a two days escapade and collapsed because it was steaming hot in the east Europe. And my favorite part is, sailing in the snaky rivers of Sneek. Oh, what a summer!
But still it’s funny how now I reminisce summer by rainy days where I did nothing but doing activities in my room. I guess it is the nature of me, don’t you think so? Despite all the excitement, I usually remember the most tough times and how I survive them, staying alive, healthy and happy. Sometimes it is hellish or depressing, and sometimes the constant boredom what kills me. But Hole said Live Through This and I believe that. Often the not-so-good moments become the bad memories sector of my brain and are erased unconsciously. Then, of course, the great thing stays, just like antibody. A remedy inside of me, give me verve and strength to carry on. To live through any moments, no matter worse or unbearable. Because there is sunshine after the rain, or even the rain it self is such a beautiful moment of our life.
