White Lies

Back then I used to make banana-strawberry smoothies for breakfast and stored them in his big tall Grolsch glass. He put them in the balcony since it was colder there than in the fridge. We started to move out things from the fridge to the balcony. Chickens, fruits, veggies, my straciatella yoghurt, and mostly beers. The room did not become more spacious, but we enjoyed having the big freezer outside. Once in a while we opened the door just to feel the chillin’ breeze. I wrapped my self tighter in my red fleece blanket and yelled out half-laughing ‘Close the door, you’re killling me!’ He was reaching out for a chicken which is too far and the balcony floor was slippery . Shortly he fell flat on his butt. I laughed out loud completely and let my body slip out of the red fleece blanket.

We always stayed until late. Until too late. I love the quiet of the night while watching the falling snow. It was such a bliss to see my tiny world covered in a white blanket. All white and nothing else. ‘Look look! It’s the snow truck, it sprinkles salt onto the street.’ Again, we went out to the balcony without our winter jackets  on and felt the winter breeze. Very much refreshing and I wish I had pink blushes on both of my cheeks. ‘I wanna be a snowtruck driver!’ He did not respond as if affraid to loose his balance if he open his mouth. ‘I think being a snowtruck driver is very humanist.’

Though the snow finally melts down and surely I am happy for extra sunshine, but I guess the memory of winter never fades away. The entire memory of him also stays, but to my preference, I would love to keep him as a part of my winter scenes.  Only.

This time again

So, this time again. We met again.

It’s been several years. As usual, you popped up in front me, out of nowhere. Then we made an appoinment somewhere in the middle of our hectic life.

We’re aging. You with your mohawk-wannabe haircut and me with my unusual long hair temporary permed. I poked your beer belly and you politely mentioned that mine is nothing compared to yours. I don’t mind.

Of course we managed to be alone. Just the two of us, embracing what can be done in such a short time. I inhaled your pheromones like crazy and noticed that you can’t take your eyes off of me.

We confessed that it’s wonderful to see each other again. I must say I’m happy, in a very precious way I can imagine. It is still the first two months of the year and I didn’t expect to be with you this soon.

We’ve been moving in a subtle way, careful and reckless at the same time. Realizing that we are not teenager again, and this is not young adult fiction scenes we’re playing parts in. But I must say I am happy, and high and bareboned crazy and everything. ‘Cause I like being with you, sharing breakfast, stroling the street with my hand in your hand, watching people and even more doing nothing with you. It’s been a great time we had, where we are a lover to each others. Personal and confidential.

And to have you in a zero distance is such a priviledge. I like the curve of your arms, the texture of your skin, the bright stars in your eyes and even more your big laughters shouted loud to my ears. And man, you don’t know how much you captivated me with the way you walk, the way you talk. I guess there’s no single thing about you that I don’t like.

But this time again, I think I prefer something to call my own.

Man in mission

Imagine each line pop up in your e-mail according to the dates.You are on board now in a new mission. Starting now.
01/07/09 Mission #1: Enroll to an Dutch institute called ITC under the major of Applied Earth Sciences.
14/09/09 Mission #2: Hang around in the lobby of your dormitory. Wear your short, pretend it’s not that cold.
19/09/09 Mission #3: Pay attention to the lectures, you need to study hard at the very beginning.
23/09/09Mission #4: Find target. A girl named Dita. Small, middle length hair, turqoise blue blackpack with a bumblebee transformer keychain. She’s enrolled in a former badge than you. 
24/09/09 Mission #5: During coffee break time, sit with the target, sip your coffee religiously. Give compliment on her bumblebee keychain.
05/10/09 Mission #6: Attend the party at the dorm lounge, bring your DSLR camera. Spot target, stand nearby, show off your photography talent a bit. Offer her a bottle of Grolsch, then, ask her to dance with you.
07/10/09 Mission #7: Send one of the best pictures of her to her official e-mail.
08/10/09 Mission #8: She wants to copy the whole pictures, make an appointment, let her come to your room. At the very last minute, tell her you are busy and drop by at her room.
12/11/09 Mission #9: Organize an autumn photo hunting with her and her bestfriends.
14/11/09 Mission #10: Repeat Mission #7 and #8. Say yes when she invites you to drink tea at the end of the day.
17/11/09 Mission #11: Cook fried rice and do the eggs in sunny side up, invite her to dinner.
23/11/09 Mission #12: Sit with her during coffee break, ask her about earthquake and feel amazed.
03/11/09 Mission #13: Ask her to help you on your individual project about earthquake damage assessment.
05/11/09 Mission #14: Repeat Mission #11, but cook something traditional and vegetarian.
08/11/09 Mission #15: Cook her dinner more frequently.
21/11/09 Mission #16: Attend the christmas party, celebrate your individual project remarkable mark. Offer her bottles of Grolsch. Dance with her, stay all night with her. Don’t let her go home alone. Kiss her.
23/11/09 Mission #17: Organize a ski christmas holiday at Alpen with her. Have fun with the snow and always warm her.
01/01/10 Mission #18: Spend everyday with her – onward.
02/01/10 Mission #19: Spend everynight with her - onward.
17/01/10 Mission #20: Ask her to go to Paul MacCartney concert. Hug her tight during “Calico’s Sky”
20/01/10 Mission #21: Bear with her mood swing. Thesis’s been giving her a lot of pressure.
01/02/10 Mission #22: Always attend her presentation and give compliments.
02/02/10 Mission #23: Help her on the writing but don’t over critize her.
03/02/10 Mission #24: Be her shoulder to cry on
04/02/10 Mission #25: Do the weekly swimming at Aquadrome with her.
01/03/10 Mission #26: Repeat Mission #
2405/03/10 Mission #27: Celebrate an intimate graduation party for her. Feel happy but at one point look her in the eye and seriously utter “I’ll miss you.”
07/03/10 Mission #28: Help her on packing. Sweep off her so-called origami artwork and tell her you’ll keep them.
09/03/10 Mission #29: Organize a trip to Prague with her, feel like you don’t want to let her go.
01/04/10 Mission #29: Drop her at the airport. Hug her tight and kiss her short.
02/04/10 Mission #30: Text her everyday. Call her every other day. All about the lonely days in NL and how you miss her desperately.
05/04/10 Mission #31: Send her picture of cherry blossom. Write about love artistically.
01/05/10 Mission #31: Send her e-mail everyweek. Write about missing her artistically.
02/05/10 Mission #32: Encourage her to adjust with her new environment.
17/05/10 Mission #33: Reduce the call frequency.
18/05/10 Mission #34: Occasionally write blog about LDR sucks.
07/06/10 Mission #35: Tell her that summer is not fun to be spent alone.12/06/10 
Mission #36: Tell her that you are busy with group assignment.
19/07/10 Mission #37: Ask her opinion about your thesis topic options.23/07/10 Mission #38: Tell her you are busy with thesis proposal.
18/08/10 Mission #38: Drop a line that there was a new student who remind you of her
20/08/10 Mission #39: Organize a meeting point halfway. According to your thesis fieldwork, it is Vietnam.
08/09/10 Mission #40: Enjoy the sunset at Halong Bay with her.
10/09/10 Mission #41: Be very quiet at your last day in Vietnam.
01/10/10 Mission #42: Reduce the long distance call further.
21/10/10 Mission #43: Post a picture of you and a girl in the party.
01/11/10 Mission #44: Stop sharing. But tell her you miss her.
03/11/10 Mission #45: Occasionally leave the phone unanswered when you see her name beeping on your mobile.
30/12/10 Last mission: Let a girl answer her call with strong chinesse accent with this line: “You can not speak to him anymore. I am his girlfriend now.”
Congratulations, your mission is accomplished.


Regards,
International Agency of Heartbreakers

Comparative Study on 2010

Cimaja, 1st January 2011
Right. The new year day.

Last year, on the new year eve, right in the 6th floor of a dorm room in insignificant town called Karsluhe, I managed to compose a long summary note of 2009. Some people commented that the note was earthy, positive and beautiful. Thank you, for the compliments. This year, seriously, I don’t know what to write in terms of quality. But I have to force my self anyway, new year’s not only good for throwing fireworks, it’s also a good point to do some rewind.

Okay right, 2010. What’s on 2010? It’s kinda hard to make a review of 2010 without comparing it with 2009. If I haven’t live my life the way I was in 2009, maybe I would say 2010 was just another year, full with ups and downs, tide and ebb. People fell in and out of love, moved in and out of town or hang on. But in 2010 I doubted everything that life has offered me. Beforehand, I have had the year full of hard works vs. parties, grounded doing homework vs. intense traveling during holiday, breaking up vs. making up, and all that. Then it’s not overrated to say that for the upcoming year, I want the best in life as I don’t opt for mediocre one. But hey ladies, you better be watch out for over expectations.

Immediately after I finished my student life and a little trip where I fell in love with Ghent in the early 2010, I returned home and ready to face the world with such energy. Then what’s next? Nothing but a stagnant life led to a constant boredom. I’m ready to take a big leap, move somewhere far, being in an emergency, but hey chill out girl. Let’s just stay home, eat home made food and have plenty of sleep. Go get yourself a husband or wife then you can enjoy life even more. Or might be a house and a fancy car. And right there, I fell apart. I miss my 2009.

I said that 2009 was the year of learning, then supposedly in the year of 2010 I get the degree with flying marks and live happily ever after. Get a decent job that pays me well, or get married as an option. But life is designed with surprisingly twisted ending and so in 2010 I ended up with so many questions about life.

Why didn’t Billy Corgan play Cherub Rock for encore? Why on earth that I am home but can’t do what I want to do? Why the South-East Asian backpacking trip only last 3 weeks while it should have been 3 months!? Why UNEP of Kenya didn’t send me any news after the interview? Why, I declared my self as a super-tropical girl but then I miss the snow? Why Jakarta sucks but surprisingly I feel home in it? Why do I love Ron Weasley? Why do people go crazy Red and White over football and I was mooned over One Day? Why do people break people’s heart? Why aren’t you here with me tonight?

I wish there were some kind of life professor who I can turn to each time these questions pop up in my head. Or at least (s)he can give me a list of references which I can refer to. Or download and save it in my gadget, then feel save with having it though never read it anyway. Oh pardon, this scholar’s habit in me.

So I strolled days of the year, wondered and sometimes frown. Thinking back 2010, I was reunited again with people in my inner circle. Family, ten of us, the girls, elementary school mates, high-school buddies, ex-boyfriends, ex co-workers and people that have been wondering, where in the world am I? Crossing path again with them chained me up to the ground. Sharing laughter with them didn’t directly solve my problem, but surely charged me up bit by bit and realize that we are human after all. Human being that sometimes wants to do so much but God limits and in the end we can just sit back and enjoy the show.

The questions left unanswered, but as the year approached to an end I’m trying to walk the walk with chin up. I decided to have faith on my self and the life ahead in 2011. I believe in a good will. Additionally, good things which always turn to an end are indeed making an enter way to another good things. And as New Radicals said, someday we’ll know, someday I’ll know the answer of these questions with or without having to take PhD course.

And for those of you whose hearts have been badly broken and beaten up in 2010, don’t worry. I’ve been there, in and out, back and forth and I have learnt that heart grows. Even bigger, even stronger.
Welcome to the year 2011.

Note: The picture above was sunset at Halong Bay, not Cimaja. Hanoi trips was one of the few best moments of 2010.

To a sunrise

I woke up at dawn this morning, unconsiously checking messages in my cellphone. Then I remember the obituary last night.

On my bed, with my eyes open and the room was still dark, I thought of you. Or more of me. Particularly when I said “I’ll make it up to you.” The promise that easier said than done, because we’re human and we always race with time.

It stroke me hard. Apparently, I don’t have all the time in the world. Then I’d rather blame this spacious world. It takes time to get me to your side. And money. And all the efforts to move this lazy bum.

I never managed to make it up to you. I didn’t try hard enough though. Part of me hesitated, are you worth the effort? Do you really want me to make it up to you?

Alone, it gets me to a deeper thinking. I do really want to make it up to you. Doesn’t matter how many times you let it down. Doesn’t matter you appear and dissappear without logic. You should be the one called by Rainbow, because rainbow doesn’t always come out after the rain. Unlike sunrise, it never fails to show after the dark night. Ah, for someone who’s been calling me the Rainbow nickname, I should beat the lazy ass.

The morning crawled in, I crawled back to bed under my fleece blanket. The noise from the nearby mosque broke in the silent. You missed the sunrise today. But I bet, where you are now is sunrise all the time.

Whose date didn't show up.

She has already woken up before her alarm rang, how rare is that. Exactly 7 o’clock the alarm beeped as she was stepping out out from the shower, followed by the smell of her conditioner all over the room. Immediately she hit the ‘off’ button. Her hair was still damp as she put on her black underwear. Most of the time she wears black underwear, but this pair is special, the lacy one but not racy. Or a lot racy, maybe she needed that way.

She browsed through her wardrobe. Feeling a bit flashy today, she put on her creme dress. It is a bit too short though, but she loves showing off her legs. Badminton does it good. And there’s nothing wrong to show off some skin, isn’t it?

She looked at herself at the mirror. Okay, what to do with the face. Nothing. She learn the hardway that guys does not need inches of make up to fall in love with. But of course, for protection and treatment, she applied daycream, sun screen and a sheer of loose powder in neutral color. Hmm, let’s do something about the eyes an lips later. Later in the day, when the time is very near.

Now, the shoes. The vinyl black medium-high wedges, or the creme flats? She tried the flats first then changed to the wedges. Then finally decided to wear the flats. Height is not her signature, so no need to try hard on this one.

She grabbed her bag on the fly then off to the office, where she hardly sat still on her seat and kept on checking on her mobile. Of course, she was too distracted to think rocket science that day. But time flies, some tasks were done and let’s just put things aside for Monday morning to begin the week with. She checked on her watch it was 6 pm already and her heart beat a bit faster.

She stopped in the toilet, bursting out make-up kits from her purse. Soft purple eyeshadows were applied, mascara was spread over her lashes and pinkish blush on were dubbed into her cheekbones. She put on her blue star earrings and took a last look. Hair was ok, everything was great, beside she couldn’t take off the smile of her face.

The Germany restaurant is their favorite dining place. She loves the creamy mushroom soup and the local brewery produced the best beers in town. She sat alone and ordered the usual menu. Accross from her table was two white men talked in enthusiast about business. She didn’t pay attention at all, mostly she swept her eyes over the room, looking for a sign of someone’s present. And of course she kept on checking on her mobile again which unfortunately seemed to be disturbingly quiet. Many times, she starred at it, just to make it ring or beep as a sign that the message is coming.

Two hours have passed. The delicious light meal was finished and the smile from her face has vanished. She was fiddling with her mobile, as if she blamed the equipment of its disfunction. She didn’t dare to lift up her head, she felt ugly and didn’t want the whole world to she her in such situation. A pretty girl eating out alone, even without a book or magazine in hands. There must be something really bad going on. Beside, one of the white men kept starring at her, she can tell that he must be feeling sorry for her.

She gulped down her beer. Gosh, how she felt like she should be really drunk right now. The world doesn’t seem to understand it’s been a long awaiting and how she has dressed up for such an occassion. Such a guy.

Finally, she wrapped up her bag, took out her purse and waved to waiters, asking for the bill. Shortly the waiter arrived and handed her a paper. Her meal expense. Then, he handed her another note, and told her giggly that the note came from that guy. He appointed one of the white men accross her table. She looked at him in surprise while the guy intensely starred at her with a confident smile. The written on the paper was: ‘+628111111 Max. You look very beautiful.’

She smiled back. Took out money from her wallet, paid the bills and wrote down on the same note: ‘Thank you. But I didn’t dress up for you.’

She walked to her flat and crashed into bed with a beaten heart. For once in life she now knows how it feels.

Note on my summer sailing camp

Enschede, 29 June 2009

Yesterday I went sailing at Friesland. We strolled along in the canals and roaming around the lake with our rented boats. Got my skin tanned in just about the right amount (will work on that later), and my Cities I’ve Visited map pinned with another favorite spot.

But today I feel sad. Not because yesterday was not fun or today is less fun. But just now I realized that I am so far from the things that I want to do. Well, maybe not all of my dreams, but some of them. I have just realized about things I wanna do forever. For instances, I like floating in the water on my back and watching the blue sky. I also like wearing less clothes, not because I want to be sexy (I don’t think sexyness judged by the way we dress), but because I feel energetic with more of my skin exposed. And right now, I’m enjoying the feeling of in love without being attached. It is so liberating.

While washing the dishes, I was thinking about all those things. Everything I love, lead to one highlight: freedom. I never understand why people wants to lean on and at the same time recognized my self as a weak figure. Been trying to put my feet in their shoes but I failed at times. I don’t know how to balance my steps, so I guess I’ll decide to fly. Or float. Or sail. Or stay. Or both.