screw me for not having remove you out of my facebook friendlist. that once in a while your name appears on my timeline, and i accidentally stumble upon your snaps of trees and flowers. no sight of your face, but i can't help smiling over your view of this world. people can take you to urban setting, but they can't take away the nature in you.
don't get me wrong, i have over you. though by judging through series of pictures and status on each facebook's wall, i can see that we are now very single. or at least i am and at least i thought you are too.and it might be that it's been a while that i haven't involved in an intense and committed relationship, i must say i miss it. i miss to be someone's other half. then for sure, the bittersweet of how things turned out in a strange way between us, it lingers on. like, how casual it was when i first knocked on your door that night. you didn't show that you were surprised to see me. but of course you were a bit shocked when i ask 'can i have tea in your room?' 'i don't have any tea' 'i bring my own tea', i still remember that look when i cupped the red mug with both hands in front of your face.
after that, things flowed naturally. there was nothing wrong with me asking you 'do you want to watch movies tonight?', and it was totally normal we set your 13" macbook as our home theater. it seemed common to watch movies that close to LCD screen and that close to each other. because of the distance, it was very casual that i cuddled in your arms for every screenings. it wasn't strange that it was only a cuddle. after the credit title rolled up, i said goodnight to you and packed my cheap speakers home. then of course, it was not extraordinary that finally on one of those nights, i ended up falling asleep in your room.
those good old days, smile at me like i always remember you were originally funny. amongst those guys down the line, you were the one who flattered me with your compliment of 'tonight you look lovely and not fat.' i might just slap you in the face, but we were too drunk to be dishonest that night, and we went home marching in each other arms.
not so often during the day, i thought of you and wonder if you would think of me too. probably, a tiny bit of your brain keep the memories always alive, and sometimes in the day you smile when you see my snaps of rocks and sands. do you miss my foolish smile, maybe? or maybe you don't. i always push the thought aside, saying that we're through.
but i guess it's natural that deep inside my healing heart, i wish you would miss me too.
the greatest coffee in the world
it's been a month and i've been continuously rambling about my craving for sanger. what's wrong with me? and what is sanger, actually?
this would classified people into 3 categories: people who doesn't get the idea what sanger is, people who knows it and love it, and people who knows sanger from the people who loves it.
and you know in which category i fall into.
so yeah, sanger is basically an acehnesse coffee mixed with condensated milk. i'm not a coffee maniac, but i do love sanger. it's just different than any other coffee i have ever tasted. i can't really point out why.
back in my banda aceh days, i usually had sanger at night, after dinner. it was not on the daily basis, but very often i sipped it with the companions of sweets and snacks. i rarely have sanger in take-away, always i finished it at the coffeeshop. and all these coffeeshop, they are everywhere in banda aceh, nothing special about them. some of them famous and have more customer. some of them are just small kiosks with two or three tables. but, people, mostly guys, do spend a lot of time here. enjoying coffee or sanger while rambling about everything. then i realize, it was them who add values to my sanger, which now i miss the most.
the truth is, i miss all those days. i'd rather blame this time of the month where i feel so weak. and to comfort my self, i fly with the time machine to the time when life was a grant. and of all times, the memories of sanger shown up. moments of my life, where everything can be almost flawless. when i almost had it all, the best coffee in the world, a family so i don't get lonely when i turn the key, how i love my job, stretch of white sandy beaches as my playground, and of course, it was where everybody knows your name. how fascinating simple life can be, even without shopping malls, cinema, bars, and fancy restaurants. instead, we sit and talk over sanger for hours.
today i had a chat with, Jack. let's just call him Jack, because that's how we call each other. he's a native banda aceh citizen and the best companion when it comes to enjoy the city. he said he missed me. and of course i immediately response with 'I MISS SANGERR!!' he laughed, and stroke me with his sentence, 'this place is not the same again, jack. it is less crowded now. and i miss having sanger beside you.' whatever that is, jack, i miss it. it hurts a little of how beautiful things can not always remain the same.
this would classified people into 3 categories: people who doesn't get the idea what sanger is, people who knows it and love it, and people who knows sanger from the people who loves it.
and you know in which category i fall into.
so yeah, sanger is basically an acehnesse coffee mixed with condensated milk. i'm not a coffee maniac, but i do love sanger. it's just different than any other coffee i have ever tasted. i can't really point out why.
back in my banda aceh days, i usually had sanger at night, after dinner. it was not on the daily basis, but very often i sipped it with the companions of sweets and snacks. i rarely have sanger in take-away, always i finished it at the coffeeshop. and all these coffeeshop, they are everywhere in banda aceh, nothing special about them. some of them famous and have more customer. some of them are just small kiosks with two or three tables. but, people, mostly guys, do spend a lot of time here. enjoying coffee or sanger while rambling about everything. then i realize, it was them who add values to my sanger, which now i miss the most.
the truth is, i miss all those days. i'd rather blame this time of the month where i feel so weak. and to comfort my self, i fly with the time machine to the time when life was a grant. and of all times, the memories of sanger shown up. moments of my life, where everything can be almost flawless. when i almost had it all, the best coffee in the world, a family so i don't get lonely when i turn the key, how i love my job, stretch of white sandy beaches as my playground, and of course, it was where everybody knows your name. how fascinating simple life can be, even without shopping malls, cinema, bars, and fancy restaurants. instead, we sit and talk over sanger for hours.today i had a chat with, Jack. let's just call him Jack, because that's how we call each other. he's a native banda aceh citizen and the best companion when it comes to enjoy the city. he said he missed me. and of course i immediately response with 'I MISS SANGERR!!' he laughed, and stroke me with his sentence, 'this place is not the same again, jack. it is less crowded now. and i miss having sanger beside you.' whatever that is, jack, i miss it. it hurts a little of how beautiful things can not always remain the same.
as time goes by, places and people place change, but memories sometimes decide to stay with the crazy precise details.
The curve of your spine
There is one certain place that I will always remember. At times whenever I don’t want to get wet because I can’t embrace the rain, or whenever the sun strikes too much. Right after I called it a day, and even more when I sing myself Lighthouse Family’s ‘Whatever Gets You Through the Day’.
I would simply curl my body against yours and I know that I am less alone in this world. And every time I do it like that, you will find my hands in yours and hold them closer to my heart.
The place is labeled as my utmost favorite corner. Whenever I feel to give up, or think that a big time positivity is overrated, or confess that I am weak and lonely, I would curl up and find you don’t share the same view. Because this place is warm, even if I show too much skin off. And for the reason that your eyes radiates and the way your flesh glows under the dim light. Even though I can’t see it, ‘cause my eyes are usually wide shut.
And I know that I would rate the place with five stars. Because no matter how jumpy or tired I am, there is always a bliss. And it doesn’t matter the next thing I do, whether I will smile, or cry, or simply say nothing since I only want to feel to be next to you. And whatever words come out of my mouth whether I curse the world or exaggeratedly praise the sun. You will response with, I love you more.
And you will say that everything is going to be alright. And even though I know it’s a lie because not all things turn out exactly the way I want to be, and this little demanding girl does not always get what she wants. But it feels so good to know that somebody also hopes for the same thing.
At all times the world is just too mean and the weather gets too harsh, I just want to curl up. Because right there, at the curve of your body, I believe it is the most comfortable zone on earth.
Your reason for living is your reason for leaving
This is a recycle piece that I wrote for my best buddy project: 52wednesday of Lioni Beatrix. Check the blog out, it's a nice participatory project where you will find that you are not alone.
It’s been months. I confessed that I’m fine, slowly getting there. Getting to the zone where there is only me, and never you. And I thought I was doing it great. But out of the blue, I woke up to a disturbing dream. Of course, it was always about you, and never about me. The dream crept in between the morning haze and the weight of my eyelids. And the weight of you on my shoulders which I realized never had been lifted.
In the dream, it was early in the morning. The autumn sky was grey and the air was a bit chilly. But under the duvet, I can feel the warmth of your skin and the crispy sound of the bedsheet. I woke up next to you, in my blue halter neck t-shirt on and you were in your blue short. We were too sleepy to open our eyes, but I noticed that I was content. Was too happy that I woke up to someone so familiar, so close. You put on your glasses and I hug you loosely. I love you so much, my heart wants to explode. Then I kissed your cheek. I guess I stayed that way for a minute or two. I can still remember the softness of your face, the cold against my lips and my cheeks. And oh, the smell of skin, a scent of baby bath soap, I inhaled a little too much. You did not moved an inch and utterly quiet, as usual.
We made out, under the dim light of the dawn. Soft butterly kisses and tingles were everywhere. We responded slowly and exhaled the air with sighs. Suddenly, you shouted at me. Your voice was high in the air, ‘We should stop this, our deadline is very near. In August we have to submit our report.’ Then I watched you getting dress in speed and off to work. I was still in my blue halter neck t-shirt with my sleepy eyes. I sit sheepishly at our full size bed, tugging my cold feet under the blanket. I stare at the door and empty space where you tied the strings of your field boots and left off. What’s wrong with you?
In the day, this is not a dream, I managed to gather some concentration and worked on some job applications. Those blohdy long forms I have to fill in with flowery words. Some questions make no sense but I need to rewrite the answers. Again and again.
Position: Project Officer. From: May 2009 – March 2010. Duty: Supporting program manager in delivering goals, taking part in community participation, and assissting monitoring and evaluation manager in collecting data. Achievements: Successfully engaged in writing the first term of project proposal, taking lead in community participation, engaged community in the program and delivered the report in timely manner. Reasons for leaving:
What was your reason for leaving? I left the white box still in blank. Empty and hollow.
It’s been months. I confessed that I’m fine, slowly getting there. Getting to the zone where there is only me, and never you. And I thought I was doing it great. But out of the blue, I woke up to a disturbing dream. Of course, it was always about you, and never about me. The dream crept in between the morning haze and the weight of my eyelids. And the weight of you on my shoulders which I realized never had been lifted.
In the dream, it was early in the morning. The autumn sky was grey and the air was a bit chilly. But under the duvet, I can feel the warmth of your skin and the crispy sound of the bedsheet. I woke up next to you, in my blue halter neck t-shirt on and you were in your blue short. We were too sleepy to open our eyes, but I noticed that I was content. Was too happy that I woke up to someone so familiar, so close. You put on your glasses and I hug you loosely. I love you so much, my heart wants to explode. Then I kissed your cheek. I guess I stayed that way for a minute or two. I can still remember the softness of your face, the cold against my lips and my cheeks. And oh, the smell of skin, a scent of baby bath soap, I inhaled a little too much. You did not moved an inch and utterly quiet, as usual.
We made out, under the dim light of the dawn. Soft butterly kisses and tingles were everywhere. We responded slowly and exhaled the air with sighs. Suddenly, you shouted at me. Your voice was high in the air, ‘We should stop this, our deadline is very near. In August we have to submit our report.’ Then I watched you getting dress in speed and off to work. I was still in my blue halter neck t-shirt with my sleepy eyes. I sit sheepishly at our full size bed, tugging my cold feet under the blanket. I stare at the door and empty space where you tied the strings of your field boots and left off. What’s wrong with you?
In the day, this is not a dream, I managed to gather some concentration and worked on some job applications. Those blohdy long forms I have to fill in with flowery words. Some questions make no sense but I need to rewrite the answers. Again and again.
Position: Project Officer. From: May 2009 – March 2010. Duty: Supporting program manager in delivering goals, taking part in community participation, and assissting monitoring and evaluation manager in collecting data. Achievements: Successfully engaged in writing the first term of project proposal, taking lead in community participation, engaged community in the program and delivered the report in timely manner. Reasons for leaving:
What was your reason for leaving? I left the white box still in blank. Empty and hollow.
White Lies
Back then I used to make banana-strawberry smoothies for breakfast and stored them in his big tall Grolsch glass. He put them in the balcony since it was colder there than in the fridge. We started to move out things from the fridge to the balcony. Chickens, fruits, veggies, my straciatella yoghurt, and mostly beers. The room did not become more spacious, but we enjoyed having the big freezer outside. Once in a while we opened the door just to feel the chillin’ breeze. I wrapped my self tighter in my red fleece blanket and yelled out half-laughing ‘Close the door, you’re killling me!’ He was reaching out for a chicken which is too far and the balcony floor was slippery . Shortly he fell flat on his butt. I laughed out loud completely and let my body slip out of the red fleece blanket.
We always stayed until late. Until too late. I love the quiet of the night while watching the falling snow. It was such a bliss to see my tiny world covered in a white blanket. All white and nothing else. ‘Look look! It’s the snow truck, it sprinkles salt onto the street.’ Again, we went out to the balcony without our winter jackets on and felt the winter breeze. Very much refreshing and I wish I had pink blushes on both of my cheeks. ‘I wanna be a snowtruck driver!’ He did not respond as if affraid to loose his balance if he open his mouth. ‘I think being a snowtruck driver is very humanist.’
Though the snow finally melts down and surely I am happy for extra sunshine, but I guess the memory of winter never fades away. The entire memory of him also stays, but to my preference, I would love to keep him as a part of my winter scenes. Only.
This time again
So, this time again. We met again.
It’s been several years. As usual, you popped up in front me, out of nowhere. Then we made an appoinment somewhere in the middle of our hectic life.
We’re aging. You with your mohawk-wannabe haircut and me with my unusual long hair temporary permed. I poked your beer belly and you politely mentioned that mine is nothing compared to yours. I don’t mind.
Of course we managed to be alone. Just the two of us, embracing what can be done in such a short time. I inhaled your pheromones like crazy and noticed that you can’t take your eyes off of me.
We confessed that it’s wonderful to see each other again. I must say I’m happy, in a very precious way I can imagine. It is still the first two months of the year and I didn’t expect to be with you this soon.
We’ve been moving in a subtle way, careful and reckless at the same time. Realizing that we are not teenager again, and this is not young adult fiction scenes we’re playing parts in. But I must say I am happy, and high and bareboned crazy and everything. ‘Cause I like being with you, sharing breakfast, stroling the street with my hand in your hand, watching people and even more doing nothing with you. It’s been a great time we had, where we are a lover to each others. Personal and confidential.
And to have you in a zero distance is such a priviledge. I like the curve of your arms, the texture of your skin, the bright stars in your eyes and even more your big laughters shouted loud to my ears. And man, you don’t know how much you captivated me with the way you walk, the way you talk. I guess there’s no single thing about you that I don’t like.
But this time again, I think I prefer something to call my own.
Man in mission
Imagine each line pop up in your e-mail according to the dates.
You are on board now in a new mission. Starting now.
01/07/09 Mission #1: Enroll to an Dutch institute called ITC under the major of Applied Earth Sciences.
14/09/09 Mission #2: Hang around in the lobby of your dormitory. Wear your short, pretend it’s not that cold.
19/09/09 Mission #3: Pay attention to the lectures, you need to study hard at the very beginning.
23/09/09Mission #4: Find target. A girl named Dita. Small, middle length hair, turqoise blue blackpack with a bumblebee transformer keychain. She’s enrolled in a former badge than you.
24/09/09 Mission #5: During coffee break time, sit with the target, sip your coffee religiously. Give compliment on her bumblebee keychain.
05/10/09 Mission #6: Attend the party at the dorm lounge, bring your DSLR camera. Spot target, stand nearby, show off your photography talent a bit. Offer her a bottle of Grolsch, then, ask her to dance with you.
07/10/09 Mission #7: Send one of the best pictures of her to her official e-mail.
08/10/09 Mission #8: She wants to copy the whole pictures, make an appointment, let her come to your room. At the very last minute, tell her you are busy and drop by at her room.
12/11/09 Mission #9: Organize an autumn photo hunting with her and her bestfriends.
14/11/09 Mission #10: Repeat Mission #7 and #8. Say yes when she invites you to drink tea at the end of the day.
17/11/09 Mission #11: Cook fried rice and do the eggs in sunny side up, invite her to dinner.
23/11/09 Mission #12: Sit with her during coffee break, ask her about earthquake and feel amazed.
03/11/09 Mission #13: Ask her to help you on your individual project about earthquake damage assessment.
05/11/09 Mission #14: Repeat Mission #11, but cook something traditional and vegetarian.
08/11/09 Mission #15: Cook her dinner more frequently.
21/11/09 Mission #16: Attend the christmas party, celebrate your individual project remarkable mark. Offer her bottles of Grolsch. Dance with her, stay all night with her. Don’t let her go home alone. Kiss her.
23/11/09 Mission #17: Organize a ski christmas holiday at Alpen with her. Have fun with the snow and always warm her.
01/01/10 Mission #18: Spend everyday with her – onward.
02/01/10 Mission #19: Spend everynight with her - onward.
17/01/10 Mission #20: Ask her to go to Paul MacCartney concert. Hug her tight during “Calico’s Sky”
20/01/10 Mission #21: Bear with her mood swing. Thesis’s been giving her a lot of pressure.
01/02/10 Mission #22: Always attend her presentation and give compliments.
02/02/10 Mission #23: Help her on the writing but don’t over critize her.
03/02/10 Mission #24: Be her shoulder to cry on
04/02/10 Mission #25: Do the weekly swimming at Aquadrome with her.
01/03/10 Mission #26: Repeat Mission #
2405/03/10 Mission #27: Celebrate an intimate graduation party for her. Feel happy but at one point look her in the eye and seriously utter “I’ll miss you.”
07/03/10 Mission #28: Help her on packing. Sweep off her so-called origami artwork and tell her you’ll keep them.
09/03/10 Mission #29: Organize a trip to Prague with her, feel like you don’t want to let her go.
01/04/10 Mission #29: Drop her at the airport. Hug her tight and kiss her short.
02/04/10 Mission #30: Text her everyday. Call her every other day. All about the lonely days in NL and how you miss her desperately.
05/04/10 Mission #31: Send her picture of cherry blossom. Write about love artistically.
01/05/10 Mission #31: Send her e-mail everyweek. Write about missing her artistically.
02/05/10 Mission #32: Encourage her to adjust with her new environment.
17/05/10 Mission #33: Reduce the call frequency.
18/05/10 Mission #34: Occasionally write blog about LDR sucks.
07/06/10 Mission #35: Tell her that summer is not fun to be spent alone.12/06/10
Mission #36: Tell her that you are busy with group assignment.
19/07/10 Mission #37: Ask her opinion about your thesis topic options.23/07/10 Mission #38: Tell her you are busy with thesis proposal.
18/08/10 Mission #38: Drop a line that there was a new student who remind you of her
20/08/10 Mission #39: Organize a meeting point halfway. According to your thesis fieldwork, it is Vietnam.
08/09/10 Mission #40: Enjoy the sunset at Halong Bay with her.
10/09/10 Mission #41: Be very quiet at your last day in Vietnam.
01/10/10 Mission #42: Reduce the long distance call further.
21/10/10 Mission #43: Post a picture of you and a girl in the party.
01/11/10 Mission #44: Stop sharing. But tell her you miss her.
03/11/10 Mission #45: Occasionally leave the phone unanswered when you see her name beeping on your mobile.
30/12/10 Last mission: Let a girl answer her call with strong chinesse accent with this line: “You can not speak to him anymore. I am his girlfriend now.”
Congratulations, your mission is accomplished.
Regards,
International Agency of Heartbreakers
You are on board now in a new mission. Starting now.01/07/09 Mission #1: Enroll to an Dutch institute called ITC under the major of Applied Earth Sciences.
14/09/09 Mission #2: Hang around in the lobby of your dormitory. Wear your short, pretend it’s not that cold.
19/09/09 Mission #3: Pay attention to the lectures, you need to study hard at the very beginning.
23/09/09Mission #4: Find target. A girl named Dita. Small, middle length hair, turqoise blue blackpack with a bumblebee transformer keychain. She’s enrolled in a former badge than you.
24/09/09 Mission #5: During coffee break time, sit with the target, sip your coffee religiously. Give compliment on her bumblebee keychain.
05/10/09 Mission #6: Attend the party at the dorm lounge, bring your DSLR camera. Spot target, stand nearby, show off your photography talent a bit. Offer her a bottle of Grolsch, then, ask her to dance with you.
07/10/09 Mission #7: Send one of the best pictures of her to her official e-mail.
08/10/09 Mission #8: She wants to copy the whole pictures, make an appointment, let her come to your room. At the very last minute, tell her you are busy and drop by at her room.
12/11/09 Mission #9: Organize an autumn photo hunting with her and her bestfriends.
14/11/09 Mission #10: Repeat Mission #7 and #8. Say yes when she invites you to drink tea at the end of the day.
17/11/09 Mission #11: Cook fried rice and do the eggs in sunny side up, invite her to dinner.
23/11/09 Mission #12: Sit with her during coffee break, ask her about earthquake and feel amazed.
03/11/09 Mission #13: Ask her to help you on your individual project about earthquake damage assessment.
05/11/09 Mission #14: Repeat Mission #11, but cook something traditional and vegetarian.
08/11/09 Mission #15: Cook her dinner more frequently.
21/11/09 Mission #16: Attend the christmas party, celebrate your individual project remarkable mark. Offer her bottles of Grolsch. Dance with her, stay all night with her. Don’t let her go home alone. Kiss her.
23/11/09 Mission #17: Organize a ski christmas holiday at Alpen with her. Have fun with the snow and always warm her.
01/01/10 Mission #18: Spend everyday with her – onward.
02/01/10 Mission #19: Spend everynight with her - onward.
17/01/10 Mission #20: Ask her to go to Paul MacCartney concert. Hug her tight during “Calico’s Sky”
20/01/10 Mission #21: Bear with her mood swing. Thesis’s been giving her a lot of pressure.
01/02/10 Mission #22: Always attend her presentation and give compliments.
02/02/10 Mission #23: Help her on the writing but don’t over critize her.
03/02/10 Mission #24: Be her shoulder to cry on
04/02/10 Mission #25: Do the weekly swimming at Aquadrome with her.
01/03/10 Mission #26: Repeat Mission #
2405/03/10 Mission #27: Celebrate an intimate graduation party for her. Feel happy but at one point look her in the eye and seriously utter “I’ll miss you.”
07/03/10 Mission #28: Help her on packing. Sweep off her so-called origami artwork and tell her you’ll keep them.
09/03/10 Mission #29: Organize a trip to Prague with her, feel like you don’t want to let her go.
01/04/10 Mission #29: Drop her at the airport. Hug her tight and kiss her short.
02/04/10 Mission #30: Text her everyday. Call her every other day. All about the lonely days in NL and how you miss her desperately.
05/04/10 Mission #31: Send her picture of cherry blossom. Write about love artistically.
01/05/10 Mission #31: Send her e-mail everyweek. Write about missing her artistically.
02/05/10 Mission #32: Encourage her to adjust with her new environment.
17/05/10 Mission #33: Reduce the call frequency.
18/05/10 Mission #34: Occasionally write blog about LDR sucks.
07/06/10 Mission #35: Tell her that summer is not fun to be spent alone.12/06/10
Mission #36: Tell her that you are busy with group assignment.
19/07/10 Mission #37: Ask her opinion about your thesis topic options.23/07/10 Mission #38: Tell her you are busy with thesis proposal.
18/08/10 Mission #38: Drop a line that there was a new student who remind you of her
20/08/10 Mission #39: Organize a meeting point halfway. According to your thesis fieldwork, it is Vietnam.
08/09/10 Mission #40: Enjoy the sunset at Halong Bay with her.
10/09/10 Mission #41: Be very quiet at your last day in Vietnam.
01/10/10 Mission #42: Reduce the long distance call further.
21/10/10 Mission #43: Post a picture of you and a girl in the party.
01/11/10 Mission #44: Stop sharing. But tell her you miss her.
03/11/10 Mission #45: Occasionally leave the phone unanswered when you see her name beeping on your mobile.
30/12/10 Last mission: Let a girl answer her call with strong chinesse accent with this line: “You can not speak to him anymore. I am his girlfriend now.”
Congratulations, your mission is accomplished.
Regards,
International Agency of Heartbreakers
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