Lamsenia (again)

I wrote too much about Lamsenia in this blog. Because, Lamsenia has always been my sanctuary. After I left Banda Aceh, couple of times I had this dream about Lamsenia. It often slips between my sleeps whenever I feel like diving into the lowest point of life. I rarely had the dream these recent days, but I guess I don’t mind to have a screening in my head in the near future.

I don’t remember all my dreams about Lamsenia precisely, but there was one that I remember the details. This one appeared during a tough time of my master thesis in Netherlands. It was winter.
As usual, the dream started out quiet and slow. The early scene was dark, then after a while there was a dim light. The dominant color was greenish, very similar with the actual Lamsenia. Through out the dream, Lamsenia was captured with a grey vignette and a thick silence in the background.
I guess it was early morning of Lamsenia, I was in my overworn red t-shirt with Palm Beach written across chest. I broke the silence while running towards the creek of Sarah river, shouting “Abaaaahhhh!” in high pitch voice and high in endorphin.
Of course, Abah was there, sitting quietly on the edge of a giant rock. Looking cool in his scarf and shorts. He looked at me and smile. We are always happy to see each other, for no reason at all. I sat beside him and interrupted his fishing session. We chatted a little and cracked together with inside jokes immersed in local dialect. He was a piece of home in this northest part of Sumatra island.

Spontaneously I jumped into the water. A failed attempt to create a massive splash but I plunged into the lake happily. The water felt a bit cold, sunrise has not shared enough heat yet. But I felt nothing but warm, and content. I did several duck dives until tired, then decided to do my favorite activity ever: swimming on my back. I swam backward while staring at the sky, the beautiful rocks and a thin smile of Abah. I swam in circle ‘till I had nothing to think about, to fear and nothing was important but me soaking in the serenity of nature.
I heard Abah called me, he finally catched some fish. I was all hungry and jumped out of the water following him to prepare grilled fish. In the dream, I watched the girl in wet red t-shirt climbed on the rock then walked jumpily beside Abah. Both had glowing smiles and illuminated faces by the golden ray of morning sun.

I woke up with a strange feeling in my heart. It felt like I had gone through a deep meditation as if I was trying to reach a bliss that buried under my skin. A spot inside that contains a positive vibrant energy. A gentle reminder, that I know life has been tough, but this lucid dream of Lamsenia always manages to convince me that everything is gonna be alright.

not-so-fun part of nyc life

this got nothing to do with nyc, but this happens in nyc.

Somehow I miss the secure feeling of living in Kebon Sirih. How I love my fave spot, my corner and every inch of my room. My room to grow. I miss the time when I can always depend on Tanti and Niken and whatever we’re going to do in the house.
I miss those time when I have no burden on my shoulders, nothing but simply enjoying, exploring the city. Why oh why, recently life seems to be harsh at me. It seems that every turns bring surprise. Not always a terrible one. But not always the good one.
I miss the time when I used to sit or walk or sleep beside Niken. Because with her present, there’s always this serenity in the air. That I know there’s a sincere person who will always lend her helpful hands without hesitation and nothing to expect in return.
I miss the time when I can hide behind Lioni, knowing that her big body and bold personality protect me really well. That she always speaks the truth, bitch-slaps us in the face for our own good. That is the fact that she has huge heart and only wants the best thing happens to us.
I miss the time whenever I can drag Mindang to do anything, and anything we did was alway fun, with laughters as rewards. That this world is so much fun to explore, and there’s always happiness in every corner we seek.
Hhh... I miss the time whenever the four, or rather ten of us are together. That I know I have all the best people on earth to complete my life. That I know we can always count on each other, have a good time together and face the world not so alone.

Over the Atlantic

It feels so comfy and familiar, curling up in a window-seat. The stewardess has turned off the light inside the plane, and it is so warm under the blanket, with in-flight entertainment on and of course I’m holding Woofy tight.
I am so blessed with the world to see and a job that does it for me. I guess most of my jobs have been built in that way. Three months then Maputo, six months then Nairobi, and five months then Honiara. Places that people would not pin them as holiday destinations at the first place. But yeah, the world is too big to be captured by pages of traveling guide book. Tourism is just one of many ways for appreciating the earth.

And of course there is  my babe on the other line. Someone I love so dearly, I never thought I would find. And doesn't matter the distance, the feeling is constantly at the same level. And we have been built that way, living our mellodramatic life with physical distances between us. But how we love to beat them with any kind of transportation. Yes, our relationship has a lot of carbon print, we are no green at all.
The time I met her last year, it was short. Shorter than I expected, and from time to time I regret it much too much. We made a gorgeous plan, oh we did. Days of relaxing by the beach, in one of the remarkable decent hotel at the south of West Java. I can imagine that we would sit on the porch, looking at the Indian ocean and would feel so contented to have the moment. I'd be sipping my beer, and we would be in our favorite shorts and sleeveless t-shirts. We are sure no models though deep inside we believe we are, and we would pose for the kind of pictures you have seen in summer version of teen magazine.
But that day never comes.

We had tried so very hard to minimize the distance, beating all the miles. Eventually we were in the same country and have our bikinis ready, but God knows why we couldn't meet. I had a quite big change of life in coming months, and once we are in each of our hometown, many things get in the way.
I remember sitting quietly in my room and imagining to ring her up and laugh on whatever, just like we always do. But I can't push the green button, I felt terrible for ruining our best laid plans. In fact, I miss her so much, I couldn't bear the feeling of not knowing when we'll meet again. I was about to fly again to another continent and it seems beyond imagination.
But as we stroll days, constantly yearning i miss you over the transatlantic connection, we didn't realize that we are this close to meet each other. My tickets are booked and her tickets followed. I'm crossing my fingers tight, hoping this will be another adventure with her. We've been in a long distance relationship and loathed with the fragile feeling that it all became overrated.
But I'm here now, over the ocean and after the business is done, we're going to giggle over whatever. We’re going to talk about our life, dreams, or simply walk down the street facing the sweet reality. We're going to show off that the world is never too big and there is no such thing as we're too stranded from each other.
This kind of moment remind me of life sometimes is sort of.. kind. Nothing is too surreal, and nothing is too bitter, because there will be moments of happiness slip in in many ways. And nothing will ever come true if you keep saying 'Oh it's so far!' because life is a journey always worth-taking.

Procrasination Nation

Some days, most of them are the winter days, I find my self tied up to the crib. There's nothing I wanna do except being lazy in my room, or living room, or bubble bathing or cook my self a decent dinner. Of course, I can easily hop to the Irish pub next door who frequently features nice live music, or walk down the avenue to our favorite saint bar with a kick-ass playlist. And I can always knock on R's doors and hang-out with the roomies while strumming guitar and pat the cat. And there's an option of enjoying indie flix two-blocks away and be happy that I manage to get very cultural with my choice of movie. Or anything else because I happen to stay at the hippest area of the great empire. Or do the laundry as I'm in the state of lacking clean undies to wear.
But despite of those, I curl in the corner of my couch, flicking through Spotify playlist and think about you a little too much. I grab my cells, typed 'I miss you' and never get the courage to press the green Send button.

deprived

Tossing and turning. Last night I found my eyes stay open. This happens once in a blue moon. I knew that the next morning I don’t have to wake up early, but still I was sleep deprived.

I ducked my self under the duvet. It was one of the chilly autumn night, and I’m glad that I dressed less but I felt the warmth. You found me moved an inch and drag your body to mine a little more. I smiled to find your fingers around my tummy and your lips on the crook of my neck. I tried to make up story in my head, something similar like this, then I managed to dooze off a while.

Maybe it was 10 minutes, my eyes were closed but my brain was alert. I slept on my tummy and buried my self on the pillow. You were disturbed and caressed my bare back. It felt like a light feather and I enjoyed the tingles. But still, it didn’t act like a sleeping pill.

I secretly grabbed my iPod and tried to converse my best friend on the other end. But the messenger made a pop sound that even though I turned down the volume in the minimum level, I was still afraid that it would wake you up. I tried to play a stupid game instead, but it was not fun without the sound effect. A major doubt.

But I didn’t want to play mini games. I wanted to sleep and dream and snore and forget a while about the week. It’s been too interesting time with many things happened and I need to conserve my energy. Instead, I felt nothing but tired and seemingly excited.

Tossing and turning. I positioned my self facing you and stared at your features. The smooth line of your thin lips and your lean nose. Your white cheeks were a bit red-ish with a sight of blushed. Glared at your closed eyes then realized, those must be the reason I can’t sleep a wink. Because seeing those cutest pair of eyes, first thing in the morning, it must be such a bliss.

Roti Kirey Lullaby

These days. These days are not easy at all, at least according to my not-so-well documented life. Far from family, and have to snap decisions in short time, I feel like my head wants to explode. I somehow suspect it already did a while a go. I feel alone, not in a sense that I don't have people around me. But yes, I feel like leaning against the wall or someone else's shoulder. I remember when things are a bit easier, and everybody seems happy with whatever they have in hands. And we will continue pursuing each dreams and imagining rainbows. I know, this thou will pass. But I couldn't believe that I've been in this situation for weeks.

Things have been a bit difficult for us. But I don't dare complaining because it seems like I have no room in life for it. I stroll on days, and week-ends with each night I pray that tomorrow the good news will pop.

I want my Dad. And this time I want my Mom. Never in my life I want them so near. I want to be with them through every smiles and tears. That in the end, Dad will take us to a nice restaurant, and treat us the most expensive meal. And with the happy ending, we share a bottle of beer.

That I know, we will be just fine.

star truck

I have this thing with rock n roll and people associated with it. I’d rather stereotyping me as a geek whose career involves a lot of math and technical operation, so I don’t encounter a rock star on a daily basis. And I get so shy among them, knowing this type of creatures know how to play instruments, how to write song and how to hypnotize the audience. Mostly I stay quiet because I don’t find myself all-out talking to them.
But that night, I stroke a conversation and they welcomed me back with enthusiasm. And the next thing I knew, I sat happily in the back seat, trapped between guitars and snare drums. We hopped from one bar to another, one gigs to another, and I got the privilege to enter the venue with all-access pass. Of course we had a good time, we danced and I took a lot of snapshots. But still, they are rock stars and it seems we live in a different casts.

But then there was this one night, where me and him were chillin’ out while admiring the skyscrapers view. He strummed his guitar and I hummed along in a low voice, knowing I can never compete the full-time musician. Then we talked about things in life, how travel brings inspiration and open-hearted people touch us. He mentioned the name Gordon Sumner, and of course this always lead to endless conversation how I fancy the British guy a little too much. We traced the lyrics thoroughly and how we adore the great way of his story telling. Each verses, from the Soul Cages to the Dream of the Blue Turtle, from Ten Sumoner Tales to Sacred Love. How come this guy can be so poetic and brilliant and sensitive at the same time? He wished to write more great songs, at least something close to Why Should I Cry for You. I smiled like ‘what?’ and then we kissed.

So I kissed a rock star and it feels great to have my teenage dream finally came true. Afterward I might write something moving and touchy like Sting did. Or else something crap close to this. But hell yeah, a kiss is a kiss, and a rock star is a rock star. And me, entitled to have a swoon feeling like performing in front of thousand audiences giving a standing ovation for the song I just finish.