Spring forward

Last night I had a blast day. Spring finally is in bloom in the city and we’ve been delirious with the freshness. I stepped in to my apartment after an exhausting-but-well-deserved walking up the stairs. I took off my trench coat and hang it on the hallway entrance and whisper, “I have a good life.” My friend said she loves trench coat because trench coat means good weather. Can’t agree more.
Wait, what did I say previously? I have a good life.
Where did it come from?

It makes me wondering. During the week, how many times do you go home and utter to the people at home or to your cat that you had a good day? How many times you go to bed with a smile?
I must say, all through spring :)

Favorite person in your favorite life

Recently, I have been digesting quite a few readings of this bohemian hip called minimalism. Alright, it is not exactly that hippy. But I kinda like the idea, so I bought more books on the topic and gobbled it down.
One of the writings tickled me, as the author mentioned that all of his clothes are his favorite clothes. I looked at my outfit today. The toms shoes and fake leather jacket, they are by far one of my spring favorite clothing items. And all of my striped t-shirts are indeed my favorite tees, they can easily live up the vibe and never ever goes out of style. I love this cheap $5 stretch skirt, which I grabbed spontaneously by the cashier of HnM.
I am the version of my favorite person today. But this favorite thing goes beyond clothes, supposedly. I’m thinking of the choices I’ve been landed on. And the next time I sat on the bar beside someone, I’d love to pop up the question, is your life your favorite life? Are you the version of your favorite person?

This is it.

Sometimes I wonder why you and me never had an ending.
Once I scribbled on my notebook the way I feel about you, and it might be it. With you, it always feels like the first time again. The same heartbeat, excitement and adrenaline rush. It feels like falling in love all over again. And it doesn’t matter it is with the same person, because the feeling is somehow renewed. Recharged. Refreshed. It feels like being young and seeing someone from the opposite sex with adolescent eyes or the very first time.
It was always the same eyes that couldn’t take off of each other’s. It was always the same arms that hungry for more hugs. Same lips, same words uttered explicitly on how we missed each other. Same kisses, that I now understand why people make clips of the world slowly spins and the couples dangling few inches, hands and lips are intertwined.
Sometimes I wonder how people falls in love, and do they fall in love like this? Like, this sudden, this deep but also uplifting at the same time. Because everytime my eyes meet your eyes, I can feel the ground was shaking, and I no longer set my feet on earth. But instead of falling deep into the instant trench, I feel like floating. I feel light, as less as helium in 99 red balloons.
When the feeling is too big and overwhelming, I lied awake on my bed and think this is it. This it what people feels when they are in love then go write some songs. But some other times, I feel this couldn’t be it. This feeling is so sacred, so intimate, I can’t imagine other people feels the same way like I do.
Maybe that's why we never had a twisted ending. It never ends, and if it is finished I always rewind. I never get bored rerun the scenes and replay the tones, every smiles and every touches. I don't want an ending, I want an everlasting tale that I can tell my grandchildren how this granny once was never old. They will listen in an awe and wonder how could it have been.
And I do to. Few times I stared at the gently falling rain, while imagining things. For instances, all these feelings might have not exist if that day we had dinner and I decided to go home without you. Some other times, I imagined we had dinner and I decided to stay the night but in a different scenes that you wouldn't have to wear the ring. Many times I wonder, a play where we were both young and free. Free as people without baggage, without boundaries and without society pressured us in. Would I be able to feel this strong? Or is it because of our limitations that you managed to drive me wild?
But these questions were disappeared into thin air. I let you show up with surprises and I'd take it as you win. Also I set the time free whenever you give up and decided to be by your self again. I never ever ever complain whenever our lips are apart. The sadness of absence even could not take away the happiness of your presence.
Because as I mentioned, it never reached the edge. No matter we are continents apart or nautical miles away, it was always the same gravity that pulls me towards you. The same tingles that works on my nerve ends. The same you, the same screen. The same old Beatles rarities that we listen to back to back in one weekend.
This is why there is no us in the final chapter. The world will keep on turning, and we never stop running. This series will eventually run out of its course. I can picture myself handing you the keyboard and let you write the closing. You’d probably shake your head and refuse to name our story in any form of screenplay. Why not, baby, why can’t we choose one of the plots? Then I’d shrug, compile guts and type some words or two. Something like a cheesy note with a twisted ending.

Something like this. And this is it.

2013: A full spectrum of rainbow

In 2013, my biggest lesson-learn is, life is not always a ban of rainbow.
And unsurprisingly, it has always been like that the year before. Or the year before. Or the year before. It has been like that for all the time.

I might not have the remarkable new year’s eve party. In addition that I did not have someone to exchange kisses with when the Times Square ball dropped and everyone cheered. It felt like another week-end in the neighbourhood and I ended up in the dive club with crappy music. The only thing to celebrate was, I was there with friends. Also, I survived another year and hopeful for the upcoming year.
I pledge for AWESOME 2013 as my punch-line, yet the year started shakily. I might not cope with winter very well for feeling extremely cold in the middle of snowball fight in Central Park. The light vanished quickly, and I hurried to the nearest cafe for emotional support of a cup of Irish coffee. I didn’t manage to brave the cold this time, but the warmth is something to be thankful afterward.
I might not succeed my mission in emergency response with flying marks. I felt tired of working for something I was not fond of and for no logical reason in the background. My product catalogue contains none and I went home empty handed. But home, is always the place where I am loved unconditionally. Here are people who hug me, laugh with me and told me that I was the best person in the world to be with. And it does not matter whether I am cute or awesome or ordinary.
Cherry Groove was one of the remarkable destinations of 2013. The Atlantic Ocean breeze, the never ending boardwalk and oh the deer! Those deer marched into the sunset, how pretty! It was a perfect mellow trip for a birthday getaway. The next day all the cozy hotel rooms were fully booked and I had nowhere to go but going back to the city. I pouted while lying on a rainbow deck, hesitant to jump into the next ferry. But, the city is my home now, and is there anything that I don’t like about it? Nope!
That I might not ended up in 2013 with the person I fell in love with in 2012. I burst into tears, and cursed John Mayer for his line: when you’re dreaming with a broken heart, waking up is the hardest part. And for once, everything was blurry. What was the point living in the greatest city of the world if I don’t live it with you? What’s the point of being wonderful? Oh sappy story of 2013, don’t tell me that you didn’t have that ;)

But they say it was the crack that lets the light in. Every slips and stumbles were merely reasons to get up. Every tears and weep worth the smile afterward. And I bravely take it as a chance to experience the full spectrum of human emotions. Surprisingly, I felt better.

And here I am at the edge of 2013. And was the best way to experience the bumpy year? To bear life with happiness. After all, it’s my favourite human emotions.



But I now know a place with rainbows scattered all around :)

Mom, you go ahead let your hair down..

And then my iPod which in shuffle mode played 'Girl, put your records on, tell me your favorite song..'. I feel like turning the volume out loud and singing with all my heart. Because, saphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams. You go ahead let your hair down.’

This is one of songs who poked and trigered big effect on me, gave me enormous power I didn't know I had before. This song made me holding on with smile, with firm steps and with positive vibe. And at times like this, I want to pinned the youtube video down on my facebook wall and tag my Mom along. Or maybe send the MP3 song via e-mail to her. Or ask my brother to play the song inside the car during their ride home.

But, Mom doesn't do youtube, and doesn't have a proper MP3 player. Hers already broke a long time ago, erasing all of her Siti Nurhaliza's songs.

And more ever, Mom might not get the lyrics, which for me are the most prominent part of the song. Wouldn’t be funny if I translate it with my limited language conversion skill. At time like this, I’m running out of clues of what to do to share strength. I suspect if I had any left. But really, all I want is to hug Mom and despite of the cliche everything has reasons, I would sing out loud to her ears “Mom, you’re gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.”

This summer. This year.

I miss reading people personal stories. Dear bloggers, why did you quit? *sigh*
Life is too quiet for a summer, but nevertheless I think this year will be marked by my state of happiness. In many previous years I was unconsciously in the midst of it but in a constant seek. Now that I know it is there, I am swimming in the sea of joy. That was kinda chessy and exaggerating , yeah I know. But feeling is something that I can’t manipulate. I can make it go, though.

Looking back to December 2007, the conversation I had with a beautiful friend lingered. She shook my shoulders “You are settling in!” while I was feeling miserable. Then off I go to around the world adventure.

And after all years and continents I stepped on, has this adventure ever ended? Never. But don’t look at me as an all-time girl-with-backpack type. As much as I think it looks cool to have outdoorsy carrier behind your back,  I pay respect to my shoulder, my body and soul by offering them more sleep. Dear heart, don’t you like extra hours of snuggling?
So yeah, summer is thrilling, and New York is endless fun. This world is still too wide and time is too short. And I don’t mind packing up for a trip to Addis or cooking another chicken white curry.

Grumpy Kid

It was just another morning I was caught up in a long arguments in the messenger groups. We were a bunch of kids who used to sit in the same class for three consecutive years. Now, we have part as singers, researchers, moms, teachers, and life traveler.
I escaped the conversation because it was unbearable. Nothing was really serious anyway, it was just the boy kid around sending pictures of sexy girls with big boobs. But it hurts my feeling for reason I don’t know why. I shot down nasty words, and told them that they have degraded women by making them as sex objects and joke around about it. None of the girls protested while I was pretty sure if the conversation would have done in real person, I could scream out loud in high pitch voices.
 I was also scared of my self. This little girl who used to be pretty laid back and hide her words, suddenly was too vocal. Too loud. I ditched the phone into my handbag and decided to pedal my bike in a rush.
And during the ride I thought about a lot of things. About my friend who mostly now are married with kids. About how gorgeous the summer day is and one can only appreciate it after enduring the winter. About New York life that is insanely interesting. About families back in Indonesia and what matter the most to them. Then I was lost in the midst of my own thoughts.
 I thought I have learn a lot to be a better person and I think this morning I failed at best. Where is the girl who’s understanding, in tolerance and wittily smart? Who is this loud female creatures screaming out to boys and told them how to behave? Why didn’t I just laugh out loud with the others? Don’t you love innuendo and lame sex jokes?
 Apparently, getting in touch with long lost friends doesn’t always recall the feeling of a homecoming queen. For sure, I’m not the same anymore. I changed, maybe a little too much. I just can’t deal with this society who’s nosy and asks too many too personal questions. I got irritated by this guy always fishes out with bias questions, do you do sport before bed? I know he was trying to sound funny and triggered laughters from others, while in my opinion he just crossed my boundaries.


The red light flashed and I stopped by the 34th Street junction and smells a coffee lingers in the air. What’s the matter with you and the world? Who’s right and what’s wrong with the other one? I thought that life was getting very good, and probably people are just jealous, no?
I took a right and forget that I have to go straight, decided to stop by at he cafe.

Maybe it is not me or them. Maybe, it is just the kind of morning before caffeine.